I must find a purpose. At the moment I seem to get up, go to work or work from home, finish at the earliest opportunity to do what? Cook and eat dinner, maybe watch some tv or mess around on here. At weekends I go on Fridays and get drunk so Saturdays written off and then potter about on Sunday and hey ho we are back to Monday again.
Its not that any of the things I do are unpleasant really. I have a really interesting and rewarding job which is varied and can be challenging and I meet lots of different people and work with a lovely team. I work from home or the office, I have a nice car and spend large parts of my time driving around the country side and like at present during the autumn its a pretty nice thing to do. I have two lovely sons who are now pretty much independent although as a family we help each other out and I enjoy spending time with either or both my sons.
My home is cleanish although it does need lots of work doing to it its not so bad as some I have seen.I have great friends who make me laugh and share the good and bad times with me.I'd like a loving relationship with some one and for HIM to leave but there we go we can't have everything now can we?
So why the dissatsifaction? I often feel like I am searching for something, waiting for the big adventure, or the real thing that is going to give me that moment of knowing this is what I was born for. It wasn't motherhood or marriage although on the whole I enjoyed the motherhood thing. It hasn't been work although I can be pretty good at it when I set my mind to it and it hasn't been the various hobbies I have had such as acting, pottery, bird watching, gym, yoga, or even buddhism.
The horrible nagging disatisfaction has probably led to my marriage problems and I fear my eldest son has inherited the condition as he is talking about travelling the world until he has his 'life changing moment' I fear he might never have it or alternatively it is something that is all too close to home and it passes by without us even really acknowledging it till it is too late.
Was my life changing moment having the boys and watchign them grow into wonderfully beautiful and kind men?Was it meeting my various friends or realising that the person who sometimes irritates me more than anyone is really a kind person who like me needs someone to love them?Who knows but in the meantime I'll carry on with the search and hopefully I might trip over it one day.
No comments:
Post a Comment