Monday

Its now Monday and after me sending him two text messages both fairly light and getting no replies I have to come to terms with the fact that he aint comin back for more...which is very dissapointing.

Its woken up all kinds of horrible feelings of rejection many of which were left over from Craig and I know deep inside they are not really to do with Simon as I honestly barely know him. Today I have felt very similar to the feelings I had two years ago. Desperate longing and wishing for him to contact me and wanting to get his attention whether by kindness or revenge.

I think I have been able to realise that the feelings felt were not really connected to Simon as I always knew it was just a bit of fun and thats helped me to put it into perspective. The question is though will I feel like this at the end of every relationship no matter how meaningless the relationship may be?

Today I found myself saying I don't want to feel this feelings again and getting involved with men is only going to hurt me etc but reminded myself of what a wonderful afternoon it was and that I don't have to feel hurt. If you gave me the choice between having the best sex in my life and feeling a bit down for a couple of days or not feeling down and not having the best sex I would still go for the best sex option.

The thing is that life is for living with all its pleasures and pains...adds a bit of colour to your life.

I do find I am really offended by his rudeness though. What would it have cost him to just text me that he didn't want anymore contact? Why be so mercenary about it all? Does he get some kind of a kick being unkind or is he just a moral coward that worries I'll be demanding more? I always said it was just fun and sex so he had no reason to worry.

I suppose something could have happened to him or one of his family or lost his phone or something but I suspect that its none of these and that makes me feel horribly used and yet I also used him and we mutually had a brilliant afternoon of the highest naughtiest deep down dirty sexual pleasure....so yes I'd still do it again in a flash.

Oh well on to the next. I am enjoying my new found sense of sexuality and attractiveness, even started catching the eye of a bloke in Starbucks today and I know I just know he was looking back. Does this make me cheap? Dunno but I need to do it all now got to make up for lost time, so much lost time.

Right Mr Tumnus off to cultivate you and this time I must go slower and make sure we have a post sex agreement...oh well you live and learn.