Sunday

So what a week!! It feels much longer than a week and dissapointing in that dispite my telling myself to behave differently this time I have made the same mistakes I always make ie rushing into a sexual relationship with someone rather than taking my time.

This week my mood has ranged from feeling passionately in love which I know to be untrue as I hardly know the guy to being slightly bored and irriatated by the whole thing.

When I think logically I know that he probably does not respect me much and to be honest I have not done anything to earn that respect. I wonder if I can pull back now and gain that respect back again and then on the other hand why do I need his respect. He was the same as me but then perhaps I don't respect him that much either except I think I do adn that is because I can see certain attributes in him that I like. Such as his ability to take charge which incidently is very sexy.

I am a bit muddled up to say the least. One side of me wants to carry on and I really hope that we will see each other again as I would love another session like last week.
The other half thinks this is all tawdry and dirty and you should stop now........so what do I do? As I ask that question in my mind I know I'll keep going for a bit even though its likely to end in tears for me. Oh what a muddled up person I am and to think I am a bloody mature woman. When do we ever grow up?

I guess the answer is partly when I feel loved and wanted which I don't at the moment. Its this strive for intimacy, comfort and being loved that keeps me searching desperately but I am unlikey to find any of these with Mr Velvet and to carryon with what I am doing is to except second best.