A sense of proportion

A disturbed nights sleep full of thoughts about the successful conference and then worrying thoughts about S. It kind of gets out of proportion in the dark of the night and I convince myself that all is over...still have that feeling really. I suppose it was his casual reference to Adios Gill that did it. So casual and uncaring which I guess he is really. I know and have known that I am just a bit of fun another of his juggling balls to be kept in the air but if I drop he won't bother to bend to pick me up. I am probably one of several and just convenient and fun at the moment.

I don't want to get attached to this man but find I am spiralling at the moment and feeling a bit powerless. Only yesterday I was full of confidence and bouncing along feeling good and today I feel worn out and old and back to old post Craig insecurities.

I tell myself that he doesn't know that I'm wobbling and for all he knows I am still that happy person who was full of understanding about his need to check everything was okay at home yesterday. So there is no need to worry just don't let him know these needy and so undesirable worries.

I've sent him a couple of texts the first asking if everything was okay which he replied that yeah it was just the kids playing up and then I sent another saying good I don't need to worry about him but could get back to wanting him and that we had some unfinished buisiness to attend to lol. No reply and I worry that my horrible child protection story has turned him off me for life. Maybe he feels I am tainted by association or something?
Sent another text this morning asking if he was in work or at home? I was thinking if he was at home we could continue where we left off yesterday but so far no response. :-(

I've more or less decided that to drink tonight would be a big mistake. Think of previous experience and when has alcohol made situations like this better? It hasn't. At least if it all goes pear shaped I'll be in full faculties so won't be able to blame alcohol it might also help me keep a sense of proportion which is what I really need right now.

Wish he would send me a randy sexy text though.

4.10 and he still hasn't sent me a text but Mr Tumnus has asking if he is likely to bump into me tonight. I've told him we'll be at the Railway but will have to be discrete as work colleagues are around. What he doesn't know is that Mr gorgeous velvet man will be around but Mr Tumnus can take my mind off worrying about him and also I get to see if there is any chemistry between us afterall. Quite evilly exciting eh? I've told him no promises but lets see if the connection is there. He had better be discrete as I don't want anything to upset Mr Velvet he is just a distraction tonight and a bit of fun and flattery for myself....god I cannot believe I am using people in this way....how horribly naughty and fun.

Period seems to be starting so that will definetely put paid to any shenanigans which is good and actually I don't feel like anything...got the usual funny tummy and head achy feeling. Bloody period is at least a week early which is a pain but is better to happen now than in Venice.