Stress and muddle

Still no contact and the longer it goes the more I confirm my first thoughts which were that its over. Its funny you know but even Thursday night when I got back I just had a feeling in my bones that it was over....funny how intuition tells us these things.

I've been very good and not text him. I deleted all contact details from my phone and today could not find my diary anywhere so couldn't text even if I had really wanted to. Felt good about my resolve and stuff until tonight when I sent Jayne a text and used the recent contacts detail on the phone and saw his number. Can't find a way to delete that either....so there it sits mocking me and urging me to send him just one little text.

I find I am making up texts in my head, funny ones to try to intice him or ones saying thanks and adios....not sure what to do really and surpose I am still hoping that he might text me still.

My last deadline was 80'clock when he has text so often in the past when presumably she has gone off to work but its now 8.20 and still no word. bastard.

Its the bloody rudeness I can't stand. Why not just let someone know its time to say good bye thats what I cannot understand. Its not as if I would try to persuade him I would respect his wishes and respect him more for letting me know...and thats when I get to thinking shall I just send a text saying all this...that if he doesn't want contact just please to confirm and I wish him well...but then I think whats the point and there is a small part of me that thinks if I don't say anything he might still contact me and then another small part that thinks maybe he wants me to try to intice him etc etc and so we go round and round and round.

Jayne is the same. She has not heard from Bondy and has tried phoning loads of times and texting and he has ignored them all. He will contact her again though we all sort of know he will, there is too much history between them whereas for me and S there is only a few short weeks of extreme fun and sex.

I do wonder what it was that made him decide to stop though, was it Jayne saying hello to his friend, did he see me obessively looking out for him all night on Friday, did he get cross when we stood close by accident or did he meet someone else who has taken his fancy.

Oh sod it I am going to send one last text saying if he doesn't want me to contact him again could he just let me know to save me wasting my time...or should I? Oh god someone tell me what to do

Could text Lawrence and tell him we're not going to the Railway on Friday this week...yes thats what I'll do.

Such a mess and it makes you wonder if you really should get involved with people at my age it can't be good for you all this horrible stress.