Went into bunny boiler mode yesterday constantly sending texts to him basically saying what an arse he is and how if he were the last man on earth I still wouldn't have sex with him and how sex with is boring and his cock is only tiny and limp. All rubbish really and he knows it the bastard. Also dropped heavy heavy hints that I know stuff and I kept asking him if he knew what I knew? About 9ish last night he replied saying'no'. Thats it nothing else although at the time it felt a victory to get that response.
Today I feel depressed. Its pouring with rain and feels more like October than August. What should have been a day with building excitement and anticipation is now dull and depressing and horrible. I also have a horrible feeling that he will use that time tonight to see old Barage balloon which makes me feel more desperate than ever.
I know I care more for him than he does me or do I? Am I just peeved because he has someone else and doesn't put me at the top of his priorities? Deep down I know, know, in my heart I should give him up. I will probably end up justifying why to keep on with this isn't doing me any harm and the fun times I have are good and isn't it better to have those rather than nothing at all? But is it? Where is my pride?
I hate him and love him all at the same time. I spend much too much time thinking about him and trying to find ways to develop this into something it is not. Then on the other hand whilst he was in spain last week he was the one constantly texting me and planning for today, tonight and all it would bring. He was going to be gentle and fuck me like I had never been fucked before' He told me I was a lovely lady, he implied he cared and liked me and yet....he treats me like dirt.
Why am I so surprised and hurt? I know he treats his wife badly and his girlfriend who he professes to love and is obviously leading her up a long and windy garden path, treats badly so why do I get hurt? I suppose we all want to be the one that changes him, that makes him fall in love with us?
I'll get over today, I'll have to. Its a combination of stuff, the horrible weather, PMT and of course dissapointment at being let down. Its not a major thing really and I should stop behaving like a spoilt toddler who has been told the trip to the park is off. My tantrum days are well and truly over I am afterall supposed to be a grown up.
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