A time of reflection

After I posted on here yesterday I sat and read all of my previous posts and it helped put things in perspective and made me think about if I want this relationship with Mr V to continue or not. If I do then its never going to be any better than what it is...a cycle of brilliant exciting sex, lies, being ignored and then more exciting sex...actually doesn't sound that bad really lol.

I sent loads of text last night at roughly 20 minute intervals designed to wind him up especially if he was with her.

This morning I've decided enough is enough and have deleted him from my phone including phone lists etc so to get his number I would have to look it up in my diary or on work phone so although its not cutting him out altogether it makes randomly or impulsively texting him more difficult. Hopefully I will be strong this time and not be tempted again. Its almost as if I need the other person to end it rather than me.


Other matters.

Dad - very poorly- he went to the hospital yesterday and his lung capacity has dropped to less than 60% and you can hear him gasping for breath when he tries to speak on the phone. He forgets what he wants to say half the time and apparently his getting very grumpy with mum although Lisa says he can be fine with Chris...very sad.

Their golden wedding aniversary is next week and there have been plans and arrangements for weeks now. Lisa and Chris have done the bulk of it, they are very good. I am going down on Thursday night with Phil and we'll shop for food and cook and stuff on Friday.

My Chris and Fiona have juggled their holiday to Edinburgh and need to go there on Wednesday so they can fly back on Saturday at a cost of 300 pounds so I am very dissapointed that Mum and Dad can't even put them up for one night because they have hospitals and stuff. It makes me so cross and its only because he is so ill that I bite my tongue. Just because he is ill does not make them nicer people but it does mean I have to suffer it in silence with brooding resentment.

Chris and Ray are now not coming because apparently Chris has bladder problems yeah taking the piss!! I am cross with her. She never wanted to come anyway and this is the excuse she was looking for. I don't want to speak to her at the moment so I hope she doesn't phone.

Karen has apparently said she cannot afford the train fare and Dad is not sending it to her so at least we are spared the problem of the tension of meeting up whilst having had a drink.

Lisa and Chris are having neighbour problems and are feeling very down so at the moment the whole party thing feels filled with doom and gloom. I'm finding it hard to look forward to it and instead am looking forward to after it!!!

Work is good although I have been spending much to much time doing this bloody moderator stuff which is almost completed now thank god. I do have other stuff that needs catching up with including cases and looking into new training etc. There are concerns that we will be able to cope when Karen goes and our work loads increase while still worried about funding etc.

What else is there? It seemed last night I had the worlds weight on my shoulders but inside I know its only a blip and soon I'll be feeling positive again. Taking his number off my phone is a positive start. I might do some housework today and get some plants and bulbs for the garden. There is lots of good stuff to do.

Good stuff in life include - boys- my lovely sons...I love them deeply and am proud of both of them...the thought of them makes me smile... I did it!!!

Friends are good although I am aware this year of the fragility of friendships and that you shouldn't take them for granted and let your temper run away with you.

Work is generally good and I got a lovely email from Christine yesterday thanking me for my work that had helped generate some more funding so that was good.

My health is excellent, I look good, I have all my own teeth and my hair has just been done so what more could I want there?

Am out tonight and I just think I might meet a replacement for Mr V...all in all this has been a very good and generally exciting year.

I need to look at deeper more meaningful things though such as religion or spirituality or something.

Right off to start the new day.