Its been a very difficult few days. I've tried several days to log on here to record it all but just could not bring myself to write it all down...so anyway here I am at last.
Friday morning I drove down to Southampton in the pouring rain, dodging lorries with full headlights on, not a nice journey I can tell. I arrive there and Mum makes some stupid excuse not to give me a hug but other than that she seems okayish. After a quick lunch Lisa comes around and we drive to the hospital. Dad is really emotional and very pleased to see me, he keeps holding my hand which is so terribly sweet and makes me want to cry.
We ask about bathrooms and if we can see the doctor as we are not happy with the information and the way it was given yesterday. A gorgeous Spanish doctor comes over and explains how the Professor probably thought he was being helpful in coming to tell my Dad the news himself. He also tells us that he expects the CT scan results either tonight or early on Monday we are all hoping it is tonight and hang around. The doctor comes back and tells us he will have the news in 5 minutes.
Its a very strange limbo like experience waiting to hear news you know will probably change our lives but we all sit there cracking silly jokes and waiting anxiously. Eventually he comes over and draws the curtains, sits on the bed and explains to my Dad and us that my Dad's prostate cancer is still the same however there are two tumours, one on his kidney and one on his lung and there are cancerous brain cells. The plan is to blast the brain cells with radio therapy and because my Dad's breathing is so bad he cannot have surgery so they will do a combination of chemo that should reduce the cancer and make it a mangeable disease rather like the prostate has been.
There is long work ahead and the chemo might affect his immune system which makes colds and flues all the more dangerous. My Dad is shaken but does not flinch and wants to go ahead with the treatment which in the way the news was given by the doctor seems like the only sensible option although we are all aware that there might be another...but we none of us suggest the unsuggestable.
Shortly after this Mum starts prattling on about her eye hurting which seems totally bizzarre at this time but we join in, I wonder if this is us all jointly going into some kind of denial or something.
We leave my Dad with this devasting news and go home for spag boll and wine. I get Mum to talk about her own childhood and she says how abusive Granddad was to her and that she was envious of our relationship with Dad!!! This feels strange and I wonder how a mother can resent her own daughters relationship with their Dad. Surely she should be pleased she has provided this for her children?
The next day I wake up and go into the sitting room to find mum crying into a tissue, she had just told Barbara, I go and give her a hug but she does not respond and I feel awkard as she makes an excuse to get another tissue so I let her go. We potter around marking time till we can go to the hospital, I help Lisa with her presentation and we go to the pub for a meal. I collect Mum and we later join Lisa, Chris and the children at the hospital. Its all quite jolly really and Dad is quite perky.
Sunday and I have to go today. We do some shopping for Mum, I get a phone call from Christine and want mum to speak to her but can sense she is not in the mood. She is very down today and keeps moaning all the time. Its very hard to stay calm and supportive when I want to shout at her but I pretend she is not my mum but rather some nice old lady who loves and is loved by my dad and so long as she makes him happy thats all that matters. We tidy the garden, pop by Lisa's to say goodbye and go to the hospital.
Dad's a bit down today and the nursing staff suggest we take him out for a walk to give him a change of environment. He sits in the wheelchair the whole time and looks very frail. I try to make jokes about my wheel chair driving and we sit in the sun for a bit...I phone my Chris and get him to talk to Dad as Dad always gets a lift from talking to my boys.
When its time to leave I feel very very emotional and infact can feel tears in my eyes now at the thought of him frail and tired on that hospital bed. I hug him and tell him I love him and will be thinking of him, I can feel him cry as well as I break away and rush out of the ward. Blinking the tears back I wait for Mum and we drive back to the house as I drop her off I hug her and then drive off with only her at the gate instead of the two of them waving goodbye, this makes me want to cry all over again and I debate that I might stop around the corner and give in to tears but I blink them back again, grit my teeth, my jaw ached later with all this gritting and drive the long drive back home to Harlow.
Since then we now know the plan is to have the radiotherapy coming back and forward to hospital but before he can go home they have to reduce the sugar level and he may have to go on insulin.
The doctor said its hard work ahead and I suspect he didn't just mean for my Dad but rather for all of us.
We go back for the rest of the mince, watch strictly come dancing and share more wine and chocolate, for the first time I actually feel quite close to Mum.
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