Felt really down and bleary today all sort of depressed which I have reasoned with myself that its okay to feel like that knowing your poor Dad is ill in hospital and is unlikely to survive to see the spring.
As I drive through our beautiful autumn countryside with the colours becomming so vivid, all brown fields, golden and red trees and berries so bright everything is just so beautiful that I get distracted from concentrating on the road and swallow the sadness that Dad is missing this and is unlikely to see another autumn. I tell myself its the order of things that he has to die before me and we've had a good relationship something to celebrate but I'm so sad.
Fiona texts me today to offer some research into the drugs and I phone her. She says the radiotherapy of 5 doses might indicate a low dose so that he can cope better with less side affects. This is a different persepective than the one Lisa and I had and I phone Lisa and tell her. She says she and mum have fallen out and we rant about how self absessed mum is and how she has included Dad in this so now he is worrying and trying to sort them all out from his hospital bed instead of worrying about himself.
When I phoned him earlier he sounded breathless and weak and worried about Mum and slightly cross about Lisa, which is how its always been, he takes her side everytime and for some reason cannot see how bloody selfish she is. Part of me wants to tell her that once he is gone she'll be on her own to pay her back for the all the selfishness she has shown over the years and years but thats a nasty thought and I squish it like a green slimey slug.
Work is all set to get busier and busier since Christine broke her leg by falling over yesterday poor thing. We're now down to two and half although Greg is certainly stepping up to the mark. My worry is Greg will leave especially as he is supposed to be retired now and then what will we do? Its also incredibly noisy in the office and I do find Lizzie hard to tolerate.
Jason is texting and emailing and obviously wants to move things on incredibly quickly and while I sense old Mr V has put me on ignore I really am not sure I want to leap into bed with the next person quite that quickly especially as I know Mr V will be back. Its just not my style to go from man to man and anyway I can barely remember what he looked like, it was one drunken nights flirting and a little kiss so I am not going to promise anything on the basis of that. I think we can meet for a drink and see what happens but I can promise him nothing NOTHING will happen the first night. I want to go very slowly and if he doens't like it he can go jump...having said that I'm enjoying the flirting and he is a distraction from everything....including the bastard Mr V. Even now, even knowing how my Dad is ill he gives no support and ignores me...no doubt he has gone back to the fat old barage balloon. I'm definetely not texting him anymore he can ask me next time.
Did I say how Peter H telephoned yesterday to offer support..such a lovely lovely man and I could and do talk to him for hours infact the time just zips by and he never makes me feel boring and I am never bored by listening to him. I hope and trust he feels the same I suppose he must do otherwise he woudln;t phone. He always ends by saying how good it is to talk to me...ahhh thank goodness there are good men in the world, men like Peter and my Dad.
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