Hard times

Drove down and was met by Lisa who said things were not good and that Dad was in pain. When I went into see him he looked terrible, really grey and yellow and in a lot of horrible pain caused mainly by constipation and the tumours. It seemed ironic that it wouldn't be the tumours but rather constipation that would kill him with the pain and stress of it all. They pumped some morphine into him and by lunch time he was sleeping soundly and peacefully.

We all leave thinking the end must be near and arrive the next day to see him sitting up and smiling and joking once again. Still very weak and eating less and less nevertheless it is a transformation and one which all the staff comment upon. The doctor even suggests he sits out in the lovely garden wrapped up in either the bed or a wheel chair. This suggestion panics mum who thinks he will die of pnemonia and puts off him going outside. After lunch he sleeps and we leave.

The next day he looks better still and at one time we all pose for photo's and videos around him but once again I notice he is not eating anything and finding it difficult to even hold a cup to his mouth now. By lunch time he is tired and sleeps in the afternoon.

The next day he is worse and ill and anxious. Clutching at the bedding he has wet himself and is paranoid about staff trying to choke him. Mum forces his abandoned medicine in his mouth and soon he is violently sick, crying out with the pain of retching and tumours. It is all too horrible and distressing for everyone but most of all poor Dad.

We ask to speak to someone and a doctor spends some time listening to us and then suggesting a catheter for the incontinence, sedation to quell the nightmares and line in his arm for the medication. This sounds like a good idea and we leave hoping tomorrow will be better.

Unfortunately when Lisa and Mum return he hates the catheter and views all us women with suspicion as he was not consulted. The catheter hurts and apparently he is crying with the pain, doctors suggest upping the pain relief and we all hope the end will not be long now.

Today he is apparently brighter and has eaten a little and although still hates the catheter and veiws us still suspiciously he has managed a couple of smiles and funny faces pulled at mum.

Our routine is to visit the hospice, see how Dad is and try and chat to him. React to whatever state he is in, see how the other patients are and try and boost each other up, giving the support where and when its needed. Mum likes to have lunch at the canteen about 12 before it gets busy and she generally likes to go once he falls asleep or looks particularly ill whereas Lisa and I are happy to just sit and chat either to him or over him so he can hear our voices. I still find Mum a strain as she worries more about her self then she does him.

I came home again yesterday and its lovely to be here although I seem to have gone mad with housework, constantly cleaning and yet still finding more to clean...its quite tiring but satisfying at the same time. I have sent texts that have been ignored by Mr V and had a long chat with Robo who is turning into a lovely innocent friend. I've seen Lorraine and chatted to Jayne by phone and it will have to stay phone only as she has a horrible sore throat.

Karen and has phoned and I'm happy to chat on the phone but do not want to get involved in cups of tea and visits preferring my own company at the moment and loathe to get involved in long term plans about our relationship.

Lisa sounds very tired and I do feel guilty although part of me is thinking why did you move so far away and because you have all moved does not mean my life has to stop now...but maybe I am tired as well.

Dad seems to have stabalised a bit today and we all wonder if this will carry on for ages yet and I guess we are all wondering how we can carry on ourselves? I want my life back again, I want to go back to work but I also want to help and support...its a hard hard time for us all but again for Dad most of all.