A weekend of goodbyes

Chris drove me there and back and has generally been an angel, he has been so thoughtful and kind and both he and Phil have made me really proud to be their mum.

We drove up Friday afternoon and hit all the traffic so the journey was long and tiring. Dropped off to the B and B and then quickly to the hospice to find Dad looking very sad and miserable. He was having to lay as flat as possible as they thought the tumour might be spreading and compressing his spine, this would reduce mobility and affect his bowell and ability to do a wee. So arrangements were made to move him out to Southampton General for an emergency MRI scan and possible radiotherapy. This was all very destressing and what with the room looking bleak and bare in the dark or even worse the harsh bright light it was terribly sad.

Mum was in her worse behaviour and made everyone sit in silence so she could watch EAst Enders...which when you think of it is truly amazing. Karen was a complete star with her and has got to know the routine and what things are in what cupboards. We took Karen to the pub with us which was a mistake because she got incredibly drunk incredibly quickly and very soon all the old stuff started to leak out. She felt unsupported, she criticised me for rowing with Mum, she insinuated that my life was so much easier than hers and that this was somehow something wrong and all my fault etc etc she let slip that she thought I hated her and rather than leaving it I challenged her whereupon she said I was being to sensitive and started to try and cuddle me...it all felt like bullying and Chris could see what was going on...he rescued me and between the two of us we packed her off in a taxi and sent her home.

I cried and the boys cuddled me and it all felt much to much. I felt asleep but that was probably due to alcohol and woke early with thoughts of karen whizzing round in my brain. I don't know why she wants to build on things and stay in touch because the overwhleming vibes I get from her is that she does not like me...who knows perhaps its mutual?

Saturday we get up and flood the place because the shower tray does not work, the woman with the big false teeth apologises as does her husband later but rather too efusively rather like something out of a Monty Python sketch...I almost expected him to ask me to kick him or throw water over another wall...it was all a bit bizarre and hysterical.

We set off collecting mum on the way to the hospital and saw Dad in a side room waiting for his scan. There we stayed all day long and very long day it was as well. Pat and Tony brought Jade who cried and said how much she loved her Grandad and how sorry she was that so much time had been wasted. Karen broke down and had to say her goodbyes and generally there was too much grief and sadness. Then on to of all that poor Dad still had to have his MRI.

Me, Chris, Phil, Fiona and Jade all trooped down after the trolly to the basement although only I was allowed in the room with Dad the others all waited outside. As the scanner was a bit futueristic we pretended it was a time tunnel and he was going back to his favourite time which he said was 1970 only thing was when he came out the other end he said he had gone back to 1950 instead just after national service. It was a silly game but he played along bless him.

It was horrible seeing how frail, defenceless and vulnerable he was and I was glad to be there to make sure they treated him gently which they did.

Got him back onto the ward and made sure he was comfortable, changed and had his dinner before we went. The young ones were brilliant and you could feel their energy being used in the room in a positive way. They all crowded into a photo booth to leave a picture of themselves and it was sooo good to hear him laugh out loud, good thinking Chris.

Earlier Chris had shown Dad a video he had made on his phone of his flat. He had made it specially for Dad and tears sprung to my eyes as I heard him say 'well Grandad this is my flat'

That evening we went round Lisas where she had cooked for us and we ate and drank and chatted and wept a little more..it was sad and happy, Lisas Chris is very cut up and although he was really drunk he said some good stuff although he also talked about scrapping cars but we laughed at him.

Sunday we got up and cleaned Lisas house ready for a new buyer and then found out Dad was going back to the hospice which was good news cos the turmour had not spread. Picked Mum up and went to see Dad who seemed more confused and little tetchy today. The room was lovely with a good view of the garden and we put pictures and cards all around to try and make it look brighter and with lots of good memories around for him to see.

We left the boys with him for a while so they could chat and at one time they had to help him into the bathroom both came out looking upset and later Chris told me that they had seen Dad wee blood which destressed them both horribly.

Then they had to say goodbye to him which was terribly sad but he was so good and tried to keep it light for their sake although Lisa said when she went back in he was upset.

We all stood and cried in the foyer and then the boys had tears in their eyes when we got into the car which set Fiona off when she saw Chris upset...so sad and more grief ontop of too much sadness and grief.

Long journey home although Spurs won against Chelsea which was bright thing and I enjoyed hearing the boys enjoy that.

Today I have tried to go into work, but its no good, I can't concentrate, I can't make appointments cos I don't know whats happening and all I want to do is be with him and hold his hand and be quiet...so I have an appointment in a little while at the doctors and I hope I can get them to sign me off for a bit. I know Lisa didn't sleep last night and when I told her I was coming back I could hear just how relieved she sounded.

This is a horribly sad but somehow beautiful time as well.