Weeks or only days to live

I'm going to have a go at recording all that has happened over the previous week. I am tired and very emotional so I might not get very far but lets give it a go.

Got down to Mum and Dads to be met by Lisa who warned me at the gate that things were terrible. When I went into the sitting room and kissed them both hello I could see they had a small glass of whisky so I sat next to Dad while he bravely told me that the cancer was spreading too quick and that there is nothing anyone can do. He might have weeks possibly months to live. I hugged and kissed him.

The next few hours were spent talking about arranging for a party on the 11th of November and taking Tony and Mary out for a meal. Dad phoned all their friends and his brother John. He was very jokey and laughing about the whole thing. It all very surreal and unbelievable.

Later we left them to have their evening meal and went back to Lisa and Chris where we drank lots and I cried and sobbed lots on poor Lisa with Chris hovering in the background trying to support. My Dad is going to die and I won't ever see him again...so so sad.

Saturday we went back round and got things ready for a meal in the evening. Dad was now having to get to the bathroom quickly so talk of going out in the countryside or for a meal was now abandoned. Instead we went to Marks and Sparks and bought lots of nice food and drink to take back to Mum and Dads. We walked around the shops like zombies all heavy eyes and just dead inside ourselves.

We cooked the meal and good old Marks and Sparks came up trumps with delicious meat and potatoes. We all drank more and of course toasted Dad who was tucking in and enjoying his food.

Sunday we were expecting Karen and Dad phoned in the morning to say he would like another roast dinner but this time roast beef so Sam and I rushed to Morrisons to buy veg and meat...it was all a bit hit and miss.

Karen arrived and that was emotional with lots of hugs and tears and old resentments simmering. We discussed Chris and Ray coming down and Mum was just horrible about them but Dad wanted them down . Karen looked all bright and breezy and I just thought give it a couple of days and you to will look like us zombies. We drank lots again including Dad who is enjoying his whisky and in a nice permanent state of merriness.

Monday we got around to find that Dad was very weak and in lots of pain. It was horrible to see him really suffer and he was sick with it. I bathed his forehead and kissed him and told him it was a shame to see Daddy suffer so. The doctor came after the nurse and gave some morphine both in mixture and tablet form. That helped immediately and after a little while Dad came downstairs for a short while but felt very weak and tired and so went to bed early. At least he is sleeping well which is more than can be said for the rest of us including Karen who is already looking tired and washed out.

Tuesday was always going to be emotional as John and Barbara and Chris and Ray were all due down. The hardest thing was Mum. Its easy to sit with Dad and care for him but she is so bloody horrible. Snapping at the children hatefully, being rude and aggressive to everyone and worrying about her fucking kitchen rather than making Dad comfortable. When she swore at me that she wished we would all fucking bugger off the lot of you I shouted and swore back and completely lost it when she threatened to throw something at me and raised my fists and swore that I would fucking swing for her. At that moment I hated her with all my heart.

Of course she went crying to Dad who got upset and John and Barbara came down. Barbara was lovely and basically said how they had always known how spoilt she was. I told her that none of us liked Mum and were only there for Dad. John was quiet and I felt guilty for upsetting Dad and losing the plot. Me the person who knows about behaviour who had been telling everyone all day not to let her get to us had lost the plot and threatened to hit our mum!!

I went to Dads shed with Karen and we shared some vodka, chatted and looked at all Dads little treasures and started to make a model that was going to say the worlds best dad.

Later I apologised to Dad for upsetting him and he said he wanted us all to get along and make up so I promised I would but in my heart I hated the cold hearted bitch.

We all had a lovely moment when we all laid on the bed around him and just cuddled and stroked him and chatted...very nice and I asked him if he was happy.

Chris and Ray came round and were barely acknowledged by Mum, we went back to Lisas with Karen and went to bed early although we all keep waking about 2ish so are now all very tired.

Wednesday was calmer. Dad in bed permanently now. I had a long talk to him and told him how much I loved him and that all my happiest childhood memories involved him. We held hands and cried together and I kissed him...it makes me cry now to remember it but I am glad I told him.

The doctor from hospice came round and asked lots of questions and told us some options. She made it sound like it could be a few weeks yet and said that he would sleep more and we would have some notice which set my mind right about going home.

We decided that as Mum had her giant tantrum the day before that we would go out for lunch and sneaked off to the pub to meet Chris and Ray. I felt guilty about Karen but we could not get word to her. Lunch was good and we all enjoyed each others company and arranged to meet at Lisas in the evening. I was so close to going home as well even going so far as to not drinking alcohol and having a wee before I set out...sneaked back to Lisas and spent a good evening with Chris and Ray, crying and laughing and tentatively arranging to meet in the summer.

Today said goodbye to Lisa and drove home with tears in my eyes...now feel very tired and ill almost.

Am going back tomorrow with Chris and Phil...so they can say their goodbyes.

Karen is worrying the life out of me as she is definetely becomming ill, not sleeping and having night terrors. She needs to be put out and got home before she gets worse...fucking hell thats all we need now...and guess who will cop it from her.

Everyone is of the opinion that Dad would be better off in a hospice now as Mum and Karen cannot cope with the nursing of him...its all too much and now I realise that I forgot to take the nurses number I could have at least phoned from here and made a fuss.