Its bloody hard work all this grief

Its a Saturday night and I've drunk nearly three quarters of a bottle of wine, watched Jarhead which I thought was excellent, just confirming all my own anti war feelings, watched Big Brother and am considering watching the Island. I am also listening to next doors music coming through the wall. They have just played when will I see you again and I could hear them all drunkenly singing along to it little knowing that the last time I heard that song was at my Dads funeral and that such a nice pop song could now have such meaning and resonance within my heart.

Grief and bereavement its funny isn't it? You think you are okay and that you have accepted the reality of death and then it sort of creeps up on you and you find yourself upset, tearful and just missing the person who has gone. The awlful reality of not seeing that person ever again doesn;t really hit you straight away . It sort of creeps up on you and now when I look at his photo taken only a short while ago I can hardly believe I won't ever see him again and I have to stop writing this to cry.

I just found my old teddy and held him, thinking of how my Dad had made him safe for Lisa by taking out the eyes with the prongs and I cried hard cos I know I will never ever see him or talk to him or listen to him ever again and I think I have been in some kind of denial since he died and its only now really hitting me hard with the reality of his going. I am very very sad.

I didn't get the garden done today and I must really try hard to make sure I get it done tomorrow. One of my resolutions is to do the garden this year and not just the back either. I need to get out there now before things start growing and cut back all the dead stuff which will clear a space for the new growth of the spring.

Spoke to Karen today who says Mum is considering putting her name down for sheltered housing in Harlow. Not sure how I feel about this. If she comes down there will be more of a sense of responsibility for looking after her and although Karen suddenly has this new found sense of kinship she has spent 6 years out of the family and its probably easier when you have had a few years absence. Anyway its sort of tempting on one hand to make Harlow seem appealing and be extra nice to her and on the other hand just ignore her in the hope she'll decide to stay in southampton, both of which sound coldly manipulating and horrible. I'll hopefully just be myself and see what happens, not the best answer there either cos I doubt I'll make that much of an effort what with my relationship with my Mum being quite complicated and problimatical, now if she were Dad it would be so much easier,

I sometimes wonder if Karen misses Dad in the way that I do or Lisa does. Undoubtedly Lisa must miss him more but my pain is real and yet Karen saw little of him and I wonder how she feels about that absence, that wasted time. I guess thats for her to reconcile herself and might be some of the explanation of why she bangs on about the time she did come down or judges my own failings of that week, maybe she should look at her own lacks and failings and how fucking upset he was when she said the things she did... anger and grief.