Around 6 pm yesterday I suddenly decided that I needed to phone Rob and tell him I could not see him that night or any other night. Unfortunately he didn't answer his phone and then Richard came home and when Rob sent me a text asking if I had phoned I had to text him and tell him I could not see him again.
I felt guilty but also slightly relieved that the pressure was off me. He was just so sweet though and told me he understood and that he would still like to be friends. Have I done the right thing? Last night I did and I was relieved I didn't have to go out or perform or be anyone except me at home. I just don't think I am ready to be someone's girlfriend after all this time let alone be in a warm, loving relationship. I think I can only do the destructive ones.
Today I tried to phone him and got no answer so went into paranoid mode thinking he did not want me to contact him afterall and beginning to wonder yet again if I had done the right thing. However I have just had a nice chat with him and he is fine. He tells me that he is gutted but understands completely and wants to be friends and stay in touch and maybe go to London again as he really enjoyed that...and actually so did I. I was kind of tempted to say that this weekend would be good as Richard is away but I thought I had better not yet...bit too much like me eating my cake and keeping it.
Work is very busy, I had a long chat with KW about families, struck lots of chords with myself and I really hope we can help resolve this situation.
I ended up cleaning the office which Christine quite rightly diagnosed as displacement of anxiety but it was obviously infectious because even she and Lizzie joined in. I am trying to motivate Lizzie into taking more active role in the office and have called her our office manager and said she is in charge and has to tell us when she wants help in tidying etc.
Got to give Phil a lift in a mo...life is complicated isn't it?
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