Been a few days since I updated this and quite alot has happened really. I went through a bit of a dark period last week, wondering what my purpose was really? My boys are now independent and the job is very iffy and it leaves you all wondering what is the point of things and where do I find that purpose etc. Jason who has come back into my life bore the brunt of it with a very long and ranty email where I was saying I don't know what I am going to do. Strange the power of letting off because immediately I sent the email I felt hugely better. Don't know how poor Jason felt though receiving all that stuff, all that outpouring of middleage emotional angst.
Part of the angst was caused by uncertaintity of job. Had a difficult meeting last week with Kate our Service manager who is herself being 'deleted'. How can Essex treat people so badly? She kept saying how the service is valued and that we will have jobs etc but I said to her without actions it feels like so much platitudes. Christine got all upset and said she felt she had been squeezed out and it all got a bit emotional really. I left for home feeling tired, headachy and depressed.
Depressed because Christine who has been the driving force has been squeezed out and if she goes as she is that will be the end of our serivice as we know it and that depresses me. What will happen with my own job as well? If I find a job nearer to home I will lose my working from home allowance and petrol but if I stay and the job goes how will I manage for money etc. Its a very tense and horrible time at work.
At home things are a bit calmer. Richard and I bumble along. I hear his texts coming and going and hope he is happy and getting some love somewhere. The main bone of contention is our sleeping arrangments and the general state of the repair of the house. Other than that we get along okay really. We just need space so we can sleep or whatever when we each choose.
Last week I played gooseberry to Jayne who met an old flame off Friends reunited. It was strange seeing Jayne with someone who looked like a 'Dad' rather than a bit of a lad. He was a nice bloke and we had a good evening, well Angelo, Brians friend and I did but maybe thats because we were both able to drink and the others couldn't, so we had a bit of a laugh really. Not sure what Jayne and Brian will do if anything. It was hard to detect any real passion or excitement between them to be honest I think that there was more stuff going on between Angelo and me.
A funny thing happened last week when Jayne and I were in Wetherspoons for a coffee. We were a bit later than usual so didn't go to Esquires. We were sitting chatting and I was aware that there was a lone man behind us but didn't take much notice but began to be aware that Jayne was distracted and kept glancing up over my shoulder etc. I heard the man move and as he passed our table they looked at each other and smiled.
Jayne said she had felt embarrassed by him keep looking at her and we had a giggle when suddenly I saw him come back and talk to the waiter pointing our table out. A few minutes later the waiter came over with a note for table 30 from the gentleman at the door!!
I read the note which said his name was Joe and he would have like to approach her but as she was with her friend did not like to. He thought her a very classy lady and he was a fitness instructor. His number was **** and it would be lovely if she contacted him.!!!
Wow it was like something out of a romantic film and we had a good laugh. I evntually persuaded Jayne to text him just for the fun of it....anyway the long and short of it was that following such an exciting and fun start it seems he is a bit of a fantasist as his texts have all been about how he is hung like a donkey and could give her multiple orgasms!! Jayne is not impressed by that by loves the idea of being persued by a handsome and fit young man. He also has a gorgeous voice as we heard on his answer phone the other day. Not sure what will happen as he goes back to barracks soon but even though Jayne is now saying whoa I don't do this kind of thing he is still chasing her...fun eh?
Talking of fun I knew Robo and his friends including Mr V would be watching the FA cup on Saturday so sent Mr V a text asking if he remembered last year when I picked him up after an all day football thing and would he like a taxi with extras. He phoned me and said he was on his way home from Wales and we had a long chat. I talked about training packages for Tescos and we talked about life for about an hour!! Also about sex as well I have to admit. It made a change to talk about normal stuff with him.
Saturday came and went and I d didn't hear anything from either man so by about 8.30 and I was struggling to stay awake I decided to send a text saying all taxis grounded that night and have a good time. I was planning on having a nice relaxing bath and sit in bed and listen to the radio and read. Not the most exciting Saturday night but I was okay with it. Anyway Mr V texts that he wants me to pick him up. No its too late and will look strange if I leave the house. he keeps on and eventually starts to try and bully me by saying its goodbye if I don't. This has no affect on me as I promised myself that no one would ever bully me again after Craig so I say goodnight x. After a while the phone rings and its him. Come on get out of bed, put some clothes on and wait for my instructions...and you know what I do it!!!
As usual it was excellent but even better was the conversation. It turns out that old barage balloon was there and he had been 'mugging her off'!! Apparently he had been cross when he found out via my text that she had said he was chasing her!! Lol LOl lol. That had really signalled the end. When I said that they had a proper relationship he denied it and said it was in her mind. He also said he is not seeing anyone else and hadn't been for ages. He said I gave him everything he needed and how I look afterhim and that it wasn't just sex! He also said he was going to Wales for 12 weeks and would I come with him tomorrow please. We could travel down together and he would buy dinner. I kept saying to him worry about tonight and we could talk about Wales later and why was he so insistent on me coming down. Often he didn't see me for weeks. He replied that when he saw me he wanted to see me more!!
Was this all drunk or drink talking or was this the man with his inhibitions gone? He kept saying what did I need to be able to come to Wales and he would provide or help with? What day can I come and was very insistent.
I like him when he is slightly drunk as he reveals much more about himself at those moments. Other times he is so guarded even now so its nice to know he does care about me really.
As for Rob, well apparently his phone is now fixed again. We bumped into him coming up the town and he is a nice enough bloke but his flies were undone and I could see bitten off finger nails and nicotene stained fingers...the next day he was supposed to be stewarding at Wembly at the first FA cup final in the new stadium and guess what he over slept. No sorry this man is not for me.
So here we are on Monday..what will this week bring? More adventurers with love, worries about work or just a gentle plod along lifes lanes. As I speak the radio is playing upstairs, I have a colour setting on my hair, the baby starlings are being fed on the lawn and crashing into the sitting room windows when they misjudge the flight path over the house. I need to get on and do some proper work and clean the house. My body tingles and throbs from where the delectable and exciting yest still exciting after all these months Mr V has been and generally I feel good. Its amazing what a bit of loving can do for your self esteem.
News -The Cutty Sark has been set on fire and badly damaged. Still no news of missing toddler but horrible bogus websites have been cashing in on the publics demand for information.
Weather mild but a bit grey, possible showers today.
Health is good althogth body throbs and aches from Saturday night workout. Yesterday my breast were so sore I am sure they were swollen. I told Mr V that I actually had a bust and he replied that he was good to me...lol
Money...bit dicey and had to take savings out for egg card but had been on holiday to Cornwall so not too bad..
Family they are all good and will continue to be so please please god. This time last year I didn't know that my Dad only had months of life to live. Makes me weep to think of it.
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