Went to the Railway and I was feeling pretty nervous incase Jason did turn up afterall but after scanning the room and not spying him there I started to relax and assumed that he had changed his mind yet again. He had promised to come along once before and never turned up so there I was feeling okay and waiting for the night to begin when suddenly a man said 'Gill?' and it was him.
He was taller and slimmer than I remembered but still had the same lovely white teeth and sexy, twinkly eyes. Still had the same short haircut, little beard but I also noticed a piercing in his ear and a tattoo on his arm along with a leather band around his wrist. Actually he looked rather nice. He asked if he could come and talk to me or would it upset my friends and I said it would be fine...so after a while he came over with his rather large, sweaty, obviously biker friend and found me out.
We separated ourselves from the group a little and because Jayne wanted to get away from the sweaty friend she said they were finding a space where there was more room so although sweaty friend was left alone it wasn't long before the conversation was just between Jason and myself and when sweaty friend had to rush for his train we were alone completely. Alone and yet in a crowded, very noisy pub. Our body language and intense eye contact meant we were alone.
It was difficult to have a proper conversation with all the noise but we spoke about losing parents, changes in life and new directions. I could feel his attraction and the attention and questions he gave me were very appealling. He is very confident about himself and talks about past successes in life saying he had achieved everything he wanted five years ago but is looking for fulfillment in other ways. This did not have a sexual connotation to it but was interesting and I would have liked to have explored his past life much more.
He asked me what defined me apart from work and family and as this felt too demanding a question and I know this is just the sort of thing that I find very attractive and appealing I then said I needed to get back to my friends and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, I squeezed his arm and moved away.
Later that evening he sent me two texts saying how he could tell I was a passionate, interesting and intellingent woman and he wanted to meet up again sooner. He could still smell my perfume on his clothes etc. He also said I was not defined by family or work but was a wonderfully exciting woman in my own right and he wanted to know more.
All very appealing and all very dangerous. I could easily get involved, too involved with this man and I don't want to be hurt or let down by him and of course I probably would if I let him in and yet ...and yet..his intelligence and physical prescence did turn me on and I spent the whole of yesterday thinking about him. I have to say he has put Mr V in to the shade a bit although on the other hand Mr V is so dependable now, so uncomplicated and I know where I am with him so maybe the challenge is what I need. But could I get involved without getting my heart broken? Can I separate myself from him and enjoy him, not if he asks me questions like that again I couldn't.
Anyway I have not text him and part of me wants to let this dangerous man just drift away. It funny but I re read an old email that we had sent each other and at that early early stage he describes himself as dangerous so I also wonder how much is autosuggested. I have to take charge of this relationship and not let him be incontrol of my emotions.
Spent most of yesterday just pottering and thinking although I listened to a radio version of the Birds which was good and did some research for Spain next week. I have copied loads of web pages and want to print them for Jayne and I to take to Spain.
My throat has been really sore today and I've more or less lost my voice without feeling ill so not sure if its an infection or a result of smokey atmosphere of pub anyway I put off Christine who I seem to have become chief counsellor for and had an early night.
I've been thinking about how to define myself and the things I like are things like listening to radio 4, the countryside, bird watching, my boys, my pet cats, music, reading, politics, being creative in work, making people laugh. None of these are exciting and how can I tell Mr super successful moterbike champion 2002 all that? So boring..... I think I am a gentle and rather fragile soul really but I can't let him know that either, thats too revealing and frightening.
Woke up really early this morning and been pottering on line since about 6.30 so am going back to bed to read and listen to the radio but want to get on with some stuff today. I want to read some philosophy and I want to learn something today.
Food - not too bad yesterday 2 shredded wheat, two crusty rolls, an apple, lightly boiled egg with two pieces of heavily buttered toast.
Health - sore throat and loss of voice but otherwise okay
Money - just about under control but must be more careful
Mood - excited by Jason but still looking for direction although also looking forward to holiday.
News - hunt for Madeline continues, a man stepped in to foil a bank robbery is seriously ill in hospital.
Weather cold, grey and rainy.
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