Emails and jumper wars

Going into work was the right thing to do and after a busy day of clearing out old junk, sorting through old paperwork and training stuff and chatting to Christine and Sally and trying to ignore irriatating but well meaning Dorrie I felt heaps better. My period started as well which also accounted for some of the horrible feelings of the day before.

I also sent this email

Actually you know I am the one who should be feeling aggrieved more than you. We never had the kind of relationship where the other could put on demands or have expectations. Which is why I never took it for granted that you wanted to see me unless you specifically said. That is not to say that I was not pleased to see you because you know that I was always very very pleased to see you. However this arrangement meant that we both needed to be ok when the other said they couldn't or didn't want to make it. This seemed to suit both of us fine until Sunday. This also meant that I was not going to sit in a vacum just in case you wanted to see me which meant that on that Sunday after I didn't hear from you I just got on with my own life which included having a few drinks with the friends that I was staying with.When you suddenly said to come down it was just not possible for several reasons, the biggest of which was that I had been drinking.Normally you would have accepted this in your normal philosophical way...one of the things I really like about you is that you don't make demands and you are accepting without making a big drama of things. I don't know why this changed for you on that Sunday but it obviously did...shame as I liked our arrangement..it has worked very well for over a year. Anyway you have obviously decided not to talk to me now which is something I hate and in order not to keep hassling you I've deleted your number from my phone..however I found this email address and felt that I should tell you how I feel...you may not even read this but just delete it all instead but anyway I feel better for having said it so there. (me being childish now) Whatever...the main thing is that we did have a good time. I do have very fond memories of you and whatever I won't betray your trust. If its over so be it and I wish you well. I will always think of you with a smile and a warm feeling down below. Take care of yourself and your family Gillx

and felt much better for doing so. It meant I told him how I felt exactly and that its all cool if he wants to finish...although of course I am hoping he won't want to but if he does then I'll respect that. I'd rather finish with us still wanting each other and the sex being good than descending into rows and arguments. Anyway sent it off and felt good until about 4 this morning when I woke in a hot flash...keep saying that instead of flush, thinking I had sent a copy of this email to a bulletin board with a similar email address. Kept imagining everyone reading this email and how public it would be but have checked and its cool its gone to his email ok. So far no reply not that I expect one although he might text and ask me what rubbish I have sent or he might just ignore...only time will tell. He goes on holiday this week so don't expect to hear from him anyway.

Robo goes on holiday today and I sent him a text last night to wish him well and he replied his thanks and also he was so glad I remembered. Ahhh he can be such a vulnerable sweetie and wears his heart much more on his sleeve than his best mate. I like Robo as a friend he's good.

Spoke to Lisa last night and it seems the jumper/spider catcher war has reached Southamton with Karen relaying everylast detail to mum and proves my suspiscion was right. Now how to play this? I am tempted if she has done nothing with Jade to say its okay I'll take the spider catcher back to mums and you and her can sort it out together. Or give her all her stuff and not invite her to Mum's next week or I could be the generous and kind one and give her the stuff, invite her to mums and just wallow in a smug self satisfied arn't I the good one and dont worry Karen I'll get you back, kind of feelings. The more I think of it the more the latter sounds appealing. Karen can stay at mums and keep her company and I can go to Lisa's and have a good guilt free time. Plus I get all the brownie points for not being petty...even though in my heart I am. Also not offering to take her to mums means another possible 6 year non speaking to Karen again...believe me this sounds very appealing.

All this sounds horrible and Karen has mellowed but she is hard work sometimes see jumper.

Didn't really sit much and contemplate today. I got thinking I spend a lot of time on my own and in my own thoughts and need to be more social not less.

Weather seems sunny today after rain and wind of yesterday

Health - very good
Mood - better although slightly cynical and cross - could be period
News - surprise surprse -all about anti social behavoiur and stories of people who have challenged teenagers being killed- seems we have an epidemic of them.
Money - still in the black with only a week to go till pay day..I am being a good girl!