Mothers and relationships

They've all gone to work and I have the house deliciously to myself. I do like the quiet solitude but I also like the fact that Phil will be home later. These days are numbered now and I will really miss him when he eventually moves away especially if he will be like Chris who only pops round very occassionally.

I think he only pops round occasionally because he is incredibly busy what with work and travelling up and down to Brighton every week. On the one hand he does seem very family orientated and does go to the pictures with Phil and Richard frequently and I often hear him phoning them to talk about different things. Only this weekend he went to the New Forest and called in to see his Nan and spent the day with Lisa and Chris. I suppose I miss him though. Its not like when he was little or even a teenager living here although I mustn't look at that through rose coloured glasses he could be incredibly hard work and I do think there were times when I was not the best of mothers although I did start with incredibly good intentions.
I was going to be the best mum in the world. I would not shout or be bad tempered and my children could have friends round and I wouldn't put off playing with them because the floor needed washing..in other words I was not going to be like my own mum.
However I know I made my own mistakes. I didn't always understand poor little Chris who seemed so demanding and unable to please. When he was little he just whined and grizzled and it didn't seem to matter what I did. I wonder if I could have done things differently? I wonder how another mother might have been better with him. I wonder why Phil was so much easier? Was it me? I rather suspect it might have been which makes me feel guilty for failing this little baby, boy, teenager all over again.

On the positive side I know he loves me although he also gets cross with my failings but then we are a family and its okay to get cross, I just don't want him or Phil to feel about me like I feel about my own Mum.

This last year and her sorrow and grief has not brought out the best in me. When she is lonely all I can think is that now she knows how it feels to be lonely, to be alone, to need to hear the voice of someone and yet that someone is not there. She abandoned me when I needed support and although its taken over twenty years I now have a sweet vengence and actually the taste makes me feel sick and sticks in my throat.