Stunned Mrs Blackbird

Just heard a thud against the sitting room window and when I went to investigate outside I could see Molly trying to peer in to a box and old washing up bowl that had been put out for the rubbish. When I peered in rather gingerly I could see the upturned legs and tummy of probably a female black bird. I didn't want to see if it was 'The Mrs Blackbird' I had seen her the other day just resting on a post and thought how tired she looked then. It would be too sad if it were her.

I guessed she'd flown into window and stunned herself. As I carefully at arms length carried the bowl down the garden I could feel her start to move and as I tipped the bowl over the fence at the end I heard her scrabble about. I am just hoping and praying she has recovered and flown away before one of the many cats catch her. I've trapped my own two in here and locked them in much to there dissapointment. Molly is dying to get out and investigate some more. Bruce wasn't sure what was happening but knew something had and two of next doors cats were prowling around. Oooh I am all shaky.

I was going to write about how dissapointed I felt in my friends just lately. Niether Jayne or Lorraine seem aware of what is happening for me with regards to my job. If it were either of them I would be asking how they are feeling about the changes? How does it feel to go to a new strange environment with no support and start to try to make a good impression. To have to try to work out what this job is is difficult and I know no one in the organisation and am doing it alone.

I think Jayne who never does anything alone could have thought how it might feel for me? And Lorraine who I have barely seen does not seem interested. I tried twice last night to explain how surreal and strange it feels to suddenly be in a position where people are coming to me for support in an area of expertise that is not mine. Suddenly I have this local strategic role of authority and I think how can this be? How can this little girl from South London have got to be someone that other people turn to professionally? When did this happen and can I do this? Can I give people the support and help that the role involves? I wanted to tell Lorraine and Jayne that each day I get up and go somewhere new its all a bit scary and I have to do it alone.
When Jayne joined Behaviour support I was there and so was Jackie. When Jackie joined I was there but whenever I go somewhere I do it alone and sometimes it gets a bit lonely.

I think people think I am okay and so don't bother to look below the surface and think she looks okay but what does it take to look okay? They just look at the surface and don't question and when I try to say and no one listens to below the surface, no one asks what I am really saying when I try to open a conversation about surreal situations in work, thats when it hurts. So after trying twice I gave up and while Jayne was relaying yet another long story about her family I went and washed up and took the washing upstairs past them on the sofa. They must have got the message because when I came down they were both on the phone arranging to go home.

I probably won't say anything because it all sounds pathetic and attention seeking and the story didn't even matter. I just want someone to notice that its actually taking a lot of my emotional energy to do what I am doing. I have to steel myself to go in to work although I am enjoying it its all a bit scary...some recognition of that from people who are supposed to be your good friends would be good.

Mr V texted as they left asking where I was and that he was at the Railway feeling very horny. This is good as it means he has not met anyone else and I know that loads of women would have been trying to chat him up etc and yet he turns to this dumpy older woman...yipppppeeee.

Richard comes home tomorrow and my 10 days or so of freedom come to an end...its been lovely.

Health - good although hungover today

Mood - strange - up and down which is to be expected really. Great that Richard is away.

Money - all going a bit Pete Tong due to Phil's birthday and leaving old job and starting new one...lots of lunches and meals

News - Northern Rock having an overdraft facility and people panicky taking out life savings.

Weather is gorgeously sunny and beautiful late summer early autumn day.