Tired and stressed and all messed up

I'm tired, confused and stressed. Everything technical seems to be breaking down, nothing seems to be going to plan and I'm all over the place.

Work is very stressful as I am still catching up with things that need to be done but armed with only a limited knowledge although I am aware that actually I do know much more than I did and can almost do a convincing bluff so long as no one who actually knows more than me is around.

I've gone from wondering what it is I actually do and does the role consist of sort of made up jobs that other people could quite easily do, to finding I have more than enough to do and not enough hours to do it. For example trying to find a suitable childcare place for the two new centres is proving difficult and now we know that designation is only in January that seems like a very short amount of time to do a now impossible task.

The other week the tv blew up, yesterday sky+ seems to have gone on the blink. The sofa I had ordered arrived yesterday but was too big to fit through the door so had to be sent back. Richard and I dealt with a minor crisis in our normal way by rowing over the best way to deal with this. So now the minor crisis becomes a huge dramatic crisis punctuated by swear words and shouts and re hashing of past misdemeanours.
Chris has flown to Goa and I worry about him and Fiona being attacked and killed. You hear such horrible stories like the poor student horribly killed in Italy just recently or the couple driving around Australia being murdered and I know I am sounding more like my Mum and have to keep it in persepective but I expect my worry is caused by my general stresssy ness.

Phil has gone to stay at Chris's and I know I will miss him being around. What do I do now? Who do I cook for? It seems pointless making nice meals for me and Richard. He moans about them and it really doesn't matter for me.

Saw Peter H for lunch the other day and told him I had missed him and how upset I had been about work and thinking of my Dad alot and he had getting hold of my hand, telling me how attractive I was etc etc and then to cap it all at the end when we normally do the kissing on the cheek goodbyes he asked my why I always turn my head and could he kiss me properly to which I rather or really very uncomfortably allowed him too. God now he has gone away thinking I am all in love with him and its all getting out of hand! Why does he have to rush things. I don't physically find him attractive but I do like him as a person enormously.
The difference between how I feel for Peter and how I feel for Mr V was brought sharply into focus as earlier in the morning I had seen Mr V. Funnily enough I have been putting him off lately, finding excuses not to see him and only that morning I had lied and told him Phil was at home. As he couldn't find anywhere for us to meet (thank god I thought as I really didn't want all that energetic flinging around marlarky) we had met quickly and just had a kiss and a cuddle. As soon as I saw him I just melted again. Physically that man just turns me on by being there. He was wearing a jumper and you could see the outline of his physic, his shoulder and arm muscles nd the muscles on his chest. Not too much but just enough. He is just so manly and as he kissed and touched me he told me I was like a piano that he knew just how to play so I made the right sounds. ahhhhh. I couldn't tell him anything though and he would never listen to me or even confide in me any feelings or problems he may have. Two very different men and I know which one is the more genuine and lovely and I also know which one attracts me like no other.

Jayne is all understandably pre occuppied with the birth of her first grandson who has had some diffculties with his breathing and been in special baby care. If this could have happened to anyone else except Jayne this would have been difficult enough but now...I worry about how they will all be on high states of anxiety and Justine will not give Jayne a moment to herself or me now. Thats what it is really about me! I am just as greedy for Jayne as her girls and I guess I get jealous. I suppose I'll just have to accept things as they are and find another friend.

As I am typing these problems I can see the soloutions and in reality nothing is so bad really. Just when its all put together it feels big and I wake in the night and can't get back to sleep again. I get tired and bored in the early evening and go to bed just because I am bored and can';t read in the evenings.

I've got to get a grip really and start to make perhaps a different life for myself. One that isn't dependent on Jayne and Phil. I could see more of Richards mum and help her out a bit. I could decorate the bathroom or do a bit more gardening or get involved in some charity or something.
As for work. It will be okay. I just need to get a first year under my belt and stay calm. I will be good at this job I can feel it.
Right off to listen to the Archers its on early today cos of Armistance day