This time last year we were all about to start a horrible period in our lives. It was simply the last day of my Dad's life. I still think about him every day and this last few weeks have been emotional. The changing colours of the season are a daily reminder of last year, with the weeping trees reflecting our own sadness. I still miss him but remind myself over again how lucky we were to have such a father.
I slept so well last night, falling asleep about 10.30ish and not waking till the heating kicked in about 6 this morning. Its so rare and so wonderful to have a full undisturbed nights sleep it really makes a difference to my energy and emotional mood.
Work has played a part in my emotions these last few months what with the sadness and grief of RJ finishing and our little team disbanding; then starting a new job and all the challenges that intails. This week has been brilliant but I still wake up wondering what lies ahead and whether I will be able to manage it. I am beginning to wonder if this is simply how it is? There are no certainties and either I embrace the excitement and challenge or get out.
Physically the stress has an effect and I notice along with broken sleep eczmae behind my knees and elbows and last week a there was a permanent headache which thankfully seems to have gone now. So hopefully I am getting it into a kind of perspective. I do want to be good at this job I really do.
Poor Jayne is undergoing her own horrible time as Justine has not been well since the birth of the baby. She lost a lot of blood and at the beginning the baby struggled to breath. Now mother and baby are home but Jayne has not been able to leave as Justine feels so faint all the time. Its hard to know how much is physical and how much is psychological. Jayne obviously feels it is a real physical effect of the blood loss. I suspect its a mixture.
Jayne has really passed on to Justine her own anxieties and now their relationship is horribly emeshed with no one else being able to be a part of it. Jayne has excluded Mark, has a big impact on Paul and I fear now is even excluding the baby slightly. She says things like Justine will have to concentrate on her own health, Paul can take care of the baby. I do love Jayne and I know that this relationship is not good for her as she seems to crave it and reject it at the same time. Someone is going to have a breakdown. Although its Justine who displays the anxieties I somehow feel they are transferred from Jayne. Now although Jayne has tried to protect Justine from all the pain and worries of the world instead of being a confident and happy girl she is petrified of everything and can do nothing without Jayne being around. This blood deficiency will only excerbate this and I wonder if there will ever be a full recovery. Will it be agrophobia next?
Jayne could set up shifts with other members of the family so its not just her around and I will suggest it but I know she will reject it and not like me for saying so.
I saw Mr V on Thursday and he still bares the marks of my scratches from a couple of months ago! Apparently he told her he was playing with the kids and they scratched him! Terrible eh. He is in Bogner this weekend with all the lads including Robo. No doubt there will be lots of false names such as Simon and what not. Oh well its his life and I'm not too worried as I know he will be back. As usual our time together was excellent, so exciting and passionate.
As for Peter H, well it worries me and adds to my stress. All this business of asking to kiss me and the other day asking me out for dinner. Part of me knows I need to stop this and not lead him on but the other part really likes his company and I do enjoy being with him I just don't want anything physical.
I saw the W on the children in need last night which was very moving and sent them and K a text sendint my love. I am seeing K for lunch next week, now he is someone I could physically engage with but no emotionally I suspect. I need a man with the integrity of K, the looks and passion of Mr V and the emotional support and kindness and excitement of Peter. Instead I have to wonder between three men, keeping them apart and yet savouring their specialities.
Mood - thinking and reflecting
Health = good
Money - slightly scary and I don't want to look at bank balances although I have bought some Christmas presents already so thats good
News - horror house has so far revealed two dead teenage girls
Weather its supposed to be sunny later but its a bit wet and drizzly at the moment.
I have the house to clean and books to read and shopping to buy
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