A miserable Christmas eve

christmas eve at about 6 pmish and all was going well. I'd had a good day, shopping, cleaning and cooking. I had even phoned my mum and was generally feeling positive about the forthcoming Christmas which I had decided was going to be about food. Phil was home and pottering about watching dvd's and Richard had come home after buying yet more food and seemed to be in a good mood. As usual he came into the kitchen to make a hot drink and generally get in my way. He put both arms aound my head to get to the cupboard and without even thinking I said oooh get off me and moved out of his way. Well he really exploded. Swore alot and banged the kettle down so hard on the cooker I thought he would break the glass top or scald me!

We were supposed to be going next door for drinks but as time went on and he went into a deep sulky depression it was obvious that no fun was going to be had. As soon as Phil went out I tried to talk to find out why he was so hurt or angry by what I said. He kept saying he was insulted in his own home and that after Christmas the house would be sold etc etc.

I feel both angry and sad. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings but he knows I don't want to be crowded and yet I also know that when he is in a good mood I seem to goad him till he goes into a bad mood and then I need to get him to talk to me. Without realising it I think I play horrible games. I can't stand him happy nor miserable. Poor Richard and poor me. We should separate and go our own ways as we only make each other miserable. He doesn't deserve that as he is not a bad person and by staying together we just torment and reduce each other.

A sad and miserable start to Christmas eve. I've plucked up courage and went upstairs and said sorry but he was asleep and although he said okay I don't know that he will remember it tomorrow. I also wonder if he has fallen out with one of his friends and I did ask him that. I also said he had double standards and I guess he knew that I know about his friendships.

We do need to separate I just don't want it to be acrimonious after all these years lets be kind. I don't want any more hurt....or maybe thats how it has to be to make the move after all.

So will this Christmas be the same as others with Richard sulking and going into other rooms or eating alone or generally doing the sulking stuff? Or can he pull it together and put on a good act.