Pondering

J actually came out last night to J and M for dinner! Her first real social event since before the baby was born. We stopped at the supermarket on the way so she could buy some water and chocolates for J and she was saying how difficult she is finding it all. How poor J is struggling with her emotions and worries of being ill again. The latest crisis is because she has an infection discovered during a routine swab from the midwives and the doctor wants her on antibiotics and J is all over the place worrying that she will have a reaction to the pills, that its more pills to take and why can't she be like other mothers?
Instead of empathising and moving her on J gets in the pit with her and just totally aligns herself with her daughter.

There seems to be some kind of battle going on there with P being ousted out. J only leaves the flat to have a break from him and complains all the time of the things he doesn't do and the things he does do but incorrectly. I don't think he and J have ever been on their own with their new baby since he was born. J doesn't realise or perhaps she does and will only be satisfied when she succeeds in separating this newly formed family.

I feel sorry for the lad and he is a lad that has to learn how to be a dad. He wasn't sure if the baby was his but he stuck around, he has had no time alone with his new family but he sticks around, his home isn't really his home, he is barely tolerated and yet expected to clean up and behave like he has a stake in the place and now he has been told that the one thing he can take a pride in which is track record on working is to be taken away from him as J has told him to take 3 months off work to look after J!! Its all bloody rediculous and J is causing real damage.

I find myself waking at night worrying about it all and I know that Li does as well. Why is this bothering us so much? Why can't we just let it be and mind our own business? I find myself rehearsing what to say to J and even planning how things must be said even if it means losing her friendship! Perhaps because it feels like this is about J's need to be needed and to be at the centre of things. Perhaps because it does feel like a battle and that if J was to win she would never give that girl independence and that any future partner would face the same. Plus we are talking about a little boy and his relationship with his father, plus a newly emerging man's self esteem, ideas of masculinity are being seriously damanged. If I were P's mum I would be extremely upset and worried without really knowing what to do for the best. Its all a horrible mess and sadly caused in the main by my best friend.

My emotions are all over the place myself as I discovered today when after happily setting off to Colchester I could have burst into tears when Maria inadvertantly unplugged my lap top before I had a chance to down load the messages. A stupid thing but I suddenly felt really upset and tearful and yet just two days earlier I was literally on top of the world.
I don't like the new girls either as she presents as super confident telling others what to do and describing herself as the blonde like Sharon but prettier!! Bloody cheek! How dare she use the youth card and measure her self against someone who had years of experience and maturity that was much valued amongst her peers!

After my little emotional moment I went to visit my favourite family and they told me how Charrisa is pregnant and how devastated they are. I kept thinking of Ju and Ja and how right they are to be so upset. This silly girl who just wants something to love is causing all kinds of problems for the future and these lovely people are so worried about her but feeling so sidelined by both Charrisa and the authority who don't even remember to invite them to meetings now!

They were pleased and excited to hear that Keith and I have been meeting for coffee, but what they don't know is that he will go for a younger model and one without the baggage of a husband still pottering about the home.

Not that that seems to put off PH. He's gone off somewhere now to have a break. I don't know where or for how long but I do sense he has gone to do some thinking and I have a haunch that when he comes back he will want to talk to me. It scares me but fills me with potential possiblities.

I am very attached to him. He would love and look after me. He is someone who is liked and respected within which ever group he finds himself. He does do interesting things and we do natter away about anything and everything. If we had a life together it would be interesting and fun. I could learn things through him and hopefully I would inject a sense of fun within in him and also challenge him as well. When I add this all up I don;t know why I hesitate and I guess it is only the physical and I know that could grow. I am worried I am convincing myself this is right and I did that so many years ago with Richard and look what happened there!
For all I know he may come back from his break to tell me he is seeing someone else or that he and his wife are moving away to make a better go of their relationship. For all I know he may just want a quick fling whereas I am thinking if I am in this it has to be long term with firm commitments. I need to safeguard my personal security longterm. I cannot get into a full relationship without that safety net. If I lost this house what then?

Weather - sunny at the moment but heavy rain and wind predicted for later.

Health - good but have a funny tummy this morning due to wine and curry last night

News - Teacher in prison for calling the teddy mohammed and yesterday a thousand protesters demanded she be shot! Insane!

Money ---scary scary, and I must get a grip again.

Mood - good, anxious about J, anxious about K and anxious, anxious about work and apprehensive about PH so no wonder I am not sleeping well.