Solaria

Goodbye to Mr V.

2008-06-17T09:20:00.004Z

I can't believe its almost two months since I last posted.
Things between J and I are different. I don't know if it was me being super sensitive or that maybe I do have to accept that people change and move on, anyway we seem a bit calmer and I'm generally feeling okayish about that situation now.
Just got back at the weekend from a week in lovely Devon in a beautiful little fishing village staying in a four hundred year old cottage that was definetely haunted but had a wonderful little balcony that over looked the water. I sat there all day just watching the changing view from sea and boats bobbing to mud and birds wading. Glorious weather as well...only trouble is that I have post holiday blues and just cannot get back into work mode. This will pass but I am fed up today and not even the sight of my lovely green and growing garden makes me feel better. I just want to be in the village by the sea pottering around.

I've given up Mr V. I have been almost consistently putting him off since around Christmas time and feeling fat and unattractive and also completely unfit just the thought of major atheletics was enough to put me off and it wasn't fair on him as I would keep letting him down and hoping and praying he would forget but bless him he didn't so....after once again letting him down on Sunday I finally came clean and said how I felt about myself and that he should find someone else. I hoped he didn't take this horribly and to look after himself.
He replied that maybe it was time to bring things to an end and that it was good while it lasted, to take care of myself and he actually added three kisses at the end!!! He has never sent a kiss not once and now at the end he sends three!!
I replied that it meant a lot to part as friends and then a little while later he said we could do a goodbye session on Wednesday which made me laugh but to which I said no.

Ahh so thats that. It was bloody brilliant, exciting, he is gorgeously good looking and still excites and turns me on but there you go. I think J thinks this isn't the end and to be honest this week I have been thinking more about him but I suspect this is because I have given him up and you always wonder if you do the right thing and its always a bit sad when something comes to an end but to part on good terms is excellent and I wish him all the luck and best for the future.

Losing friends

2008-04-24T07:05:00.002Z

I've been feeling for a while just lately that J has been avoiding me and yesterday while making my inaugeral visit to a school as a new governor I bumped into her. She pulled me to her in one of her great big bear hugs and when I said half jokingly 'I'm sorry do I know you'. She replied that it was all going wrong and we were falling apart!
Later that evening I text her after noting that Y was going for a yummy latte on her facebook and I could guess with who that would be. Whether its a good thing or not I am still not sure but I will just ask people out front what the problem is, the difficulty is that unless they are ready to say they just avoid the subject. J replied to my text in a very assertive way that made me smile as I know how she works but basically admitted something was wrong but she couldn't put her finger on it and that I had been unavailable and so because she needed to be out had planned other things, however if I was now able to come out all was fine.
I felt she was avoiding the truth here and yes I have been unavailable for going out to pubs and stuff but there had been loads of times when I had text her to try and meet up and it just had not happened. My case was sort of proved when she said how busy she would be this weekend by seeing Markie poos on Friday and going to London on Saturday with L. This last bit really hurt.
It would have been lovely to be invited to go with them on Saturday and it brought home to me the extent of my exclusion to which I had been ignoring and trying to make excuses for J's unavailability.
Its terribly sad when a friendship as good as ours has been seems to be in decline and I feel a real sense of loss and grief. I can partly understand the reasons which I think started when J had the baby and I was the voice that was saying to J how she needed to leave them to let the family grow and be independent. I think my voice probably became more strident and more unwelcome and I was aware that I often voiced my dissaproval and lets be honest who wants to spend time with someone who is constantly telling you off? I wouldn't.

So what to do? Feeling hurt I just want to withdraw and hope she comes a finds me and makes me feel better which is something I think I learnt from my mum. We always had to go and make her feel better. I am thinking that if this friendship has run its course then I need to find other friends and I know I am good at making them. I was already thinking of suggesting to JC that we go on holiday together as we are both on our own. I do have other friends, lots of them and I just need to make sure I see them and not spend so much time waiting for J who lets be honest isn't going to come around now.

Mood Sad and upset
Health good
Money - not sure and can't be bothered today
News teachers on strike and Prime minister in trouble.
Weather is sunny but rain predicted...it looks lovely and fresh outside

Public grief

2008-04-21T18:15:00.003Z

I didn't do anything all weekend in fact on Saturday all I did was lounge around falling asleep. Then on Sunday I just pottered although I did do a bit of housework in the afternoon and cook a roast dinner. I kept thinking about how I should be doing something like the garden, too cold and wet on Saturday or a good brisk walk or some exercise but in the end did nothing except vegatate and by the end of the day felt even more tired and lethargic and fat!

So went to work today feeling as tired as if I had been really busy.

I wanted to talk about the reaction of some parents who had lost their daughters on some gap year where a lorry had ploughed into their bus. There they were all smiling and saying what joy their daughters had brought everyone and how even that morning their house was filled with laughter....I kept thinking how strange. The reality the real emotion behind that pretence of arn't we lucky to have shared our lives with our beautiful and so young with all theirlives before them daughters was that they were probably feeling denial, anger, intense raging grief but for some reason could not publicly say how they really felt. My heart went out to them.

An odd lunch date

2008-04-19T19:59:00.002Z

I was idling some time on Facebook putting in names of people and seeing if they were the ones I know and when I checked against Jason I found that the one on the bike was him. Maybe it was a bit stupid to contact him again, raising his hopes that something would happen. I know that last time we met he bored me with his boasting and outrageous stories which may or may not be true so why was I getting in touch again? I suppose because I was bored maybe which is not a good enough reason.

Anyway we arranged to meet for lunch yesterday and after much debating arrived at the Hare which was a big mistake. Very busy with half of the town in there including his secretary which actually is not a problem its only lunch afterall.

Trouble is that I do find him boring. He boasts about doing horrible things to people for some kind of revenge or other. Or boasts of leaving ex girl friends who are suicidal and just calling and ambulance and never bothering to find out if they are alive or dead or not. He describes lots of incidents where he gets the better of someone or other such as calling rentokill to someone's house who has a mole on their neck!! Setting fires just for the fun of it when he was younger. He talks in the language of revenge and anger at the world, of not caring about others. Of having enough money not to have to worry about anyone else.

I talk in the language of win win, of trying to understand people's motives of still perhaps niavely wanting to make the world a more comfortable place for all and so his anger which is spoken in the most calm and measured of tones makes me feel uncomfortable and all I want to to is escape his presence. At the time I think I am bored but the reality is that I am extremely uncomfortable and looking for a reason to leave.

After the lunch I go off to my appointment and he sends a couple of texts saying he would like to meet again where we can talk more openly as it felt a bit overheard in the pub and that I looked good and sorry if he went on a bit and next time he promises it to be fun. I keep my reply light and non commital and later when I check for his email I cannot find it and so worry its been sent to the other person with the same name as me who also works for the council!!

Now how to be rid of this person. First thing is to never contact him no matter how bored I might be. Second is to just put him off gently. I don't need any big confrontation and he'll never believe that its his personality that is putting me off. He'll want to think that it is something in me so its best I let him continue to think that. I think he can think that I want a celebate lifestyle, that I am going all philisophical and will remain distant friends.

The incident did leave me feeling grateful for the upfront Mr V and I text him saying how much I appreciated him, to which of course he had no understanding and said I was funny!! Ah if only he knew.

What a curious life, two men met at roughly the same time and still involved in my life in different kinds of ways...a random meeting in a pub.

Appreciating Sons

2008-04-14T18:13:00.002Z

The weekend past in a blur of pottering, April showers, dinner and drinks with Chris and Fiona and Phil.

When Chris and Fiona came over I cooked Italian and it all seemed to go well. We sat at the table and ate and drank and chatted mostly about politics and world events. Chris showed Fiona some old photo's and talked about his life in Amsterdam. It was good watching him and Fiona chatting. I felt very proud of my handsome and clever son with his beautiful girlfriend sitting on my sofa and I keep thinking how lucky I am to have two lovely sons. They seem to be at the height of their youth...mind you every age they have been I have thought it was the best so maybe when they hit forty I'll still be thinking that then...I hope so.

As they didn't go till nearly 2 in the morning Sunday found me tired and hungover and I basically just pottered about. Downloading music and podcasts, reading the Sunday papers with newly brewed fresh coffee and sitting with Phil talking about what is in the news with the April sun shining in makes you feel good to be alive.

Letting people go

2008-04-11T17:23:00.003Z

Oh dear my resentment of how Jayne treats her girls is damaging our friendship. I am constantly berating her or letting her know I dissaprove and of course the outcome of that is that she withdraws and now I don't see her that often.

She has just had two weeks off and I have barely seen her at all and yet there she is going off with Yasmin to Clacton and most of the time she runs Yasmin down and yet seems to be such good friends with her??!! Does she do that about me behind my back?

I will just have to seek other friends and I do have them so I need to step back and not interfere. She is never going to change but when she says that Justine is so mature as compared to Paul I just want to ask her how it can be called mature when she can't do anything or go anywhere without Jayne accompanying her? Or how is it mature to scratch Paul's face or go behind his back to meet other men whilst at the same time not letting Paul have the baby by himself?

Like Sylvia say's I need to let go...its not my business and I have said my piece so now its up to them.

I did wonder about booking a holiday and even wondered about asking Jane C if she would like to go with me? We are both at loose ends and I do love holidays but on the other hand I know I need to save money for the house etc.

Oh well at least it is Friday and I have some nice pasta, some lovely chocolate and a good bottle of red wine for the evening.

Health - horrible cold come out properly now leaving me trying to blow my nose during interviews.

Money - scary scary

Mood - a bit pissed off to be honest

News - dunno today really nothing that much

Weather - real April showers, sunshine, hail and thunder at one point earlier.

April and its spring

2008-04-10T06:47:00.002Z

I love this time of year when you wake with the birds and the clear fresh sharp sun shines through and you get home from work and its still bright and sunny and gives you that added energy to do other things. Its like some kind of primordial waking up from a hibernation and helps you to feel in tune with nature again.

So far this week work has been quite gentle. No demanding emails or threatening deadlines so its a been a good start. I went to the North Team meeting yesterday and people are not happy. They are generally feeling unsurported and ignored. I don't know if this is them in particular needing a different type of management or will I feel like this one day? This is when this organisation worries me a bit.

I've got a horrible scratchy throat which has kept me awake most nights and is now working its way round to my ears ....I am hoping it has reached its climax and now I will start to feel better. I want to get out and do the garden this weekend but with a combination of horrible cold and threatened bad weather that is looking more unlikely.

Health - as above
Money - can't look which is bad and I know this is not the thing to do.
Mood - generally good
News - Shannon Matthews mum in remand for perverting the course of justice etc. It seems she knew all along. Its like something from a bad episode of Shameless in fact some are saying that the family copied the programme!!

Ticking over

2008-04-07T19:20:00.002Z

Went back to work and I guess it was a fairly gentle return as spent the day at Stansted thinking about outreach and then later shortlisting. No big horrible or difficult dilemmas to solve but I did find the day tiring and wished I was at home.

Am busy now downloading or burning audio books to cd's for my mum. I think she may find them funny and if I can make the effort to post them which I should she should hopefully enjoy them.

Nothing much else to say except house tidy, work all up to date and things just ticking along.

News - Shannon's mother arrested.....Greg predicted that.
Diana inquest finds that she was killed due to drunk driver and papparazzi...everyone said this millions of pounds earlier a whole decade earlier!!

Money - not looking its too scary

Health - throat feels scratchy like I am starting a cold.

Weather bloody snow this morning but lovely and sunny this evening.

Re awakend passions

2008-04-06T19:03:00.002Z

So the end of my two week 'holiday' is drawing to an end. In reality I had one day off plus this weekend and so back to work tomorrow. I can't say I am looking forward to it. There were a couple of things that needed doing before I should have finished and I really don't know what the ramifications will be.
To be honest I am really not sure about the management of this service. I hear lots of complaints about other people including CCDO's like myself and I suspect they moan about all of us. Calling us incompetent etc. Makes me wonder if my first impression of S was correct. I saw her as a bit grim and unsmiling. Anyway I shall find out tomorrow and hopefully following a good nights sleep.

The weekend has been generally a good one with actually going out on Friday night to the pub with Jayne and Yas. I wasn't keen but the pub in Hertford the crowd was a good mixture of ages ranging from the very young (actually children) to older than myself. However going back to the Railway after not going for months was like putting on an old warm coat. It was good to see loads of familiar faces and just chat to people in the nice atmosphere that is in that pub.
Even better was Mr V was in there which made it fun. We flirted and text and made arrangements to meet on Saturday morning.

Th build up and anticipation made our meeing like one of the early sessions full of passion and heat. It reminded me of just how much stamina that man has and how he can wear me out. Sometimes its hard to contain him in a small car but to be honest at the moment I don't have the energy for a bed. I'd need to go on some intensive training and stamina building in order to survive that!

Last night I went to Christines for dinner which was lovely and came back in snow this morning, pottered about downloading music and stuff, I am now into Matt Monroe or Faithless! Went to out to lunch with Jayne and came back and pottered, cooked and now sitting here tapping away in time to Faithless as it downloads to my lovely iphone!

Weather - bloody cold and snowy

Money - scary

Health - good although feeling fat and frumpy although Mr V says he loves my body!!! I am beginning to seriously wonder about his judgment but hey ho.

News- Protestors against China during the olympic flag going through London.

Two weeks off and the hall is complete

2008-04-04T16:41:00.003Z

Last day of my two weeks off and it has gone by sooo quick. First week spent completing hall decorating of which I am very pleased. Its a lovely clean magnolia with a subtle wall paper downstairs. I've spent too much money on gloss paint, curtains and other bits and pieces but it does look so much better now. I'm not ashamed to open the door now or invite people inside at least to the hall just hope they don't need the bathroom as that is my current room of shame with the skanky horrible peeling bath.

Back to holiday and most of this week has been taken up with training in Sussex with Greg once again. We think this is about our 5 or even 6th time so we are very comfortable with working with each other and do feel that this last lot of training went particularly well with some really good feedback. It felt slightly strange not doing it as ECC this time but the money coming directly to us will be very welcome.

The money will go on a thousand projects from going towards the bathroom to fitting a new boiler to having the meter enclosed in a cupboard to fixing my car before it goes back or just paying off overdraft!

So today my last day and the only one I have really rested on has been spent just pottering and dosing and watching tv. It just shows how much work takes up my emotional time as today for the first time for ages I missed Mr V and started texting and harrassing him again...bless him he didn't say get lost but responded so thats good.

I'm supposed to be going out tonight with Jayne and Yas but am already feeling like I really can't be bothered and also worrying about spending money I can't really afford on wastful stuff like taxi's and drink. At the moment I just want to spend money on improving the home, we need hall carpet!

So just the weekend and then its back to work with all its stresses and pressures and to be honest I am not looking forward to it. I'd like another week off to do the garden now but of course that is out of the question.

Weather - gorgeously sunny and warm but cold snowy weather is predicted.

Money - not looking

Health - good although feeling fat and out of condition

News - Little Shannon's step grandmother and aunty arrested along with her step father and step uncle...what a mess!
Prince Philip in hospital with chest infection...is the end near?

Nests and the boys next door

2008-03-31T10:40:00.002Z

Its very distressing when you watch a blackbird all day, fetch and carry bits and pieces to make her nest. She worked from early light till dusk last night and now today the boys from next door are pushing their way in and destroying all her hard work!!

Those boys are no longer cute kittens but rather a powerful, muscly lean gang just looking for a bit of fun.

I tell myself its better to scare off the blackbirds now rather than when the eggs come along or even worse once the chicks hatch but I also wonder if there isn't any kind of contraption I could make to keep the nest safe. I also wonder about keeping cats even though I love my own to bits.

So here we are in Spring once again with all its worries for me about nesting and baby birds.

working late

2008-03-13T09:39:00.002Z

Today will be the third late night of working in a row this week. So far it has not been an astounding success with only one person turning up at Stansted and none at all at Braintree. To be honest I have not minded the lack of response as I didn't feel totally equipped to discuss knowningly the results of the childcare audit. It has been nice to chat to partners and to work alongside Denise who I feel I get to know a bit bettter now and realise once again I should not be so sniffy and dismissive of people when I first meet them. She is sweet with a good sense of humour and like me has up and down days with this job. She said that yesterday had been tough and she had been a bit weepy.
God knows I have been there with the insecurities and worries and stress of this job which like I have said before is the most stressful I have had in my whole life...apart from a days stint in a doctors surgery where the dodgy doctor who didn't seem to like or respect his patients wanted me to fill in their prescriptions before they had even walked through the door. I stuck to my principles and told the agency I would not be going back again.
House is a mess and I keep looking forward to my two weeks off which are already getting filled with things to do so will end up not being much of a rest afterall.
I was almost tempted after speaking to mum this week to pop down and see her during the break as she sounded so sparky and up beat but I resisted as I really do want the luxury of not promising anything much. Even so I have moving bedrooms and decorating and going with Greg to look at training requirements so the time will speed by.
Have also been fending Mr V off although he wanted me to join him in Leciester I resisted and luckily really did have the late nights of working as an excuse. I really couldn't face the prospect of all that being bent and twisted and pulled and pushed around..its all too exhausting and to be honest my body is not in good physical shape so it would find it a huge shock. I must start some exercise as I do think its probably in the worst phsyical shape it has ever been in. The most exercise I get is getting in and out of the car at the moment which is not good.
Right tomorrow I can go in later so tomorrow I will start walking again.

News buget is boring as is all about sustainability. Young teenager found murdered in Goa, mother left her there with friends.

Weather has been stormy but is a lovely sunny spring day, all the fowers in bloom
Health- feel good but have a bit of a dodgy tummy due to junk food being eaten during late working nights.
Money - have not looked its too scary

In Praise of pottering

2008-03-10T16:50:00.002Z

Just looked at last two entries to give myself a feeling for what I had last been writing about and see that its pretty much the same as I would write today...ie stressed with work and feeling tired.
Had a brilliant although busy week last week with the culmination of all the preparation for Stansted coming to a wonderful climax with the consulation days and over 300 people coming through the doors. Also started the work on phase 3 with a good and positive response. My weekend started early and I slept well and didn't actually do that much over the weekend except potter, go to lunch with Jayne and the pictures with Chris and Fiona so this week should have started with lots of energy except I feel tired and energyless if there is such a word. I started late and came home at 3 so lathargic and tired I have felt. I don't feel too guilty as I have worked lots of evenings and weekends so maybe this time is owed to me.

The weather is very stormy with high winds and driving rain. Yesterday driving back with Jayne I aqua planed across the road which was really scary. I think it was due to the hail littering the road and making it slippery but it was a bit scary.

I've got Mr V asking me to join him and to be honest I just have not got the energy for the drive, the acrobatics he'll be expecting plus I don't like my body at the moment all fat and old looking and then not sleeping cos he'll snore and having to drive back etc....except if I went I know that I would have a brilliant time. I wouldn't be surprised if he find someone else as I spend more time putting him off than meeting him just lately. Oh well I wouldn't mind even that too much. Maybe age is catching up with me at the moment because all I want to do is just stay at home and potter. I like pottering. I am in praise of pottering at the moment.

Weather = stormy, wild and windy

Health good except tired.

Money = can't look

News= the weather, the forthcoming budget and a young girl of 15 murdered in Goa

Right off to potter some more

A sickie

2008-01-28T13:21:00.000Z

I had a cancellation today so took the rest of the day off sick. I've not had a day off for over two weeks and been working evenings and weekends and I was and am tired. My head feels like it has a band stretched around it and I know the best thing is for me to stop and have a rest. So here I am in pajama's with a cat and wild hair. Heating up high and going to treat myself to hot drinks and old films this afternoon.

Was thinking of making tomato soup if I can find a recipe which has ingredients I already have indoors as I am not stepping out. I may not get dressed at all today...oh what indulgences.

So stressed

2008-01-18T11:07:00.000Z

I have never been or at least cannot remember ever been so stressed with work as I am now. I am really struggling to sort out these maps and super output areas and figures. I keep thinking it cannot be that difficult so why am I finding it so? Nothing seems to add up or make much sense.
I've now given up on H and am concentrating on Stans but even that seems insurmoutable at the moment.

Perhaps I need to have a hot drink, take a deep breath, tell myself I can do this and plunge back in again

I will get there

Stressful times at work

2008-01-15T11:24:00.000Z

My diet seems to be working well. By the end of last week I could feel clothes getting bigger or really I was getting smaller. I have trained myself to be okay on a half a grape fruit for breakfast and a banana for lunch. I find I really look forward to my proper dinner in the evening and don't actually want lots of pudding and sweet stuff to follow. The other thing is that the food tastes really nice. I also sleep better for not drinking and not stuffing myself too much. I really noticed this last point at the weekend when I had a break and did eat more and drank wine.

Now in week two and yesterday was problematical because I went out for lunch but I didn't have anything in the evening except an apple so hopefully it evened itself out.

My hibernation continues with me still staying in and being happy doing housework and making soups. I talked to Lisa on Saturday and she said Mum is the same and doesn't want anyone coming down....yippeee. I told Chris and Fiona when they came round on Saturday although I think Chris thinks I planned it.

I also put Jayne off on Saturday night. I had been busy doing a massive clean all day and then when Chris and Fiona came round it put me all behind although I am glad they came and want to encourage these drop ins and make them less formal and more about just joining in with us and pottering around.

I had also been putting off Mr V who was getting more demanding and suggesting hotel rooms and trips to London etc. I was almost at the point of saying actually I don't want to do this anymore when I agreed to meet him quickly at the industrial estate. I was anxious in case he suddenly saw what I had been seeing which was an old, fat spottywoman but he was great and said and did all the right things.
After I pulled him close and told him I was very fond of him and kissed him to which he smiled and held me and said 'ditto'. Doesn't sound much but its the nearest we have come of saying we really like the other person in more than a sexual way and it felt good.

In fact I felt so good I floated around all day replaying bits of our meeting. That man has done my self esteeem so much good he deserves a medal.

Work is rather stressful at the moment and I never feel I get completely on top of things. I seem to be relpying to emails at the last minute and following a reminder from Diane. This is not good and I will have to change this obvioiusly prioritising those from management. I got myself into a tizzy last night thinking I will be sacked for not doing things properly and then trying to reassure myself. I do find this job so stressful and want so much to do well in this. The others seem to find it all so easy and sail through things without a flinch whereas I seem to need talking through every last little thing I feel so dense. Then I worry that this job is beyond me and yet I want so much to aim higher yet. The only thing is to keep on, prioritise work and just work harder than I have ever worked in my life before. I hope I can look back on this one day and smile.

Weather - very wet with flood warnings in the country and severe weather warnings with strong winds to come

Health = good although had a stomach ache this morning but easing now so its not Norovirus

Money - too scared and cowardly to look

News= Peter Hain forgetting to announce 100k went into his election fund!

January is going okay so far

2008-01-10T08:06:00.001Z

January 10th and the year is getting off to a reasonable start. So far no colds or flu's which is good news. My healthy eating is going well. I am having a grapefruit for breakfast, a banana or home made soup or sometimes both for lunch alternative is banana in yogurt and a reasonable but healthy dinner and I allow myself two christmas chocolates as a treat. This has got to work surely please.
I was going to cut out all alcohol till March the 1st but failed miserably the first weekend and finished a bottle of wine I had opened for a recipe on Friday. I might just cut out the alcohol during the week.

I've also started the strictly come dancing dvd with Lorraine. That was hilarious as it is so complicated to follow and just seeing Lorraine slightly over weight trying to do fox trot steps in her living room was so funny. We had to stop a couple of times to do a wee as our weak bladders couldn't cope with jumping up and down.... ahh age gets us.

As a result of all the above I have been feeling much better both physically and emotionally. I have also been sleeping much better as well. Although work is still scary and there are tough times ahead its all been good fun, yesterday finished by going to a pantomime and sitting with a hundred kids all screaming look behind you.

Children really throw themselves into the fun of it and watching the children from Sams place really get excited and enjoy themselves was fantastic. What a lovely job I have sometimes.

Mr V is on holiday this week an so far I have put him off several times. He wanted to come round here on Monday but those days are gone as far as I am concerned. I don't want all that bouncing around at the moment. Maybe when I am a bit fitter who knows but not now. I also put off going to meet him late last night and said I couldn;t make it and turned phone off. I ought to finish it really but I suppose I am hanging on cos I don't completely want to give him up and regret it later, a bit like keeping an old jumper cos I might just wear it again sometime in the future. He can go in the bottom drawer.

I have not really been anywhere and to be honest don't want to go anywhere either. I want to stay in my cosy if messy and unconstructed house. I want to carry on making soups and at the weekend I want to venture into the muddy and messy garden and start snipping and pruning and preparing the soil for growing vegatables which is my new aim this year. I am currently trying to find a way of not going to Southampton next weekend which is horrible as it is my Dad's birthday.

I have also been trying to be nice to Richard and talk to him which is not easy to break old habits but I got thinking that poor Phil lives in a silent house where we only talk to him and not each other which must have been strange for him to grow up in. I bet Chris notices the difference when he visits Fiona's home.

Right off to sort myself out for another day. I have a warm purry grey cat on my lap, the day is just getting light, Phil is in the bathroom and the radio is on. Richard is going to come downstairs in a minute and I will try and talk to him about something positive.

News Fre range as opposed to battery chickens, credit crunch and possible recession

Weather windy and rainy predicted today although mild approx 9 degrees

Health good

Mood good and positive

Money horribly christmassy hangover and scary got to recover althought I want a nice pair of wellies for the weekend.

Another new year

2008-01-05T08:52:00.000Z

So another new year. All shiney and new. Its a shame really that new years always follow the more glamorous christmas period. We start December all keen and excited by parties and full of good will and cheer and then as our bodies start to falter under the onslaught of alcohol and rich food we start to lose that glamour and cheer and by the time new year makes an appearance the thought of another party, another drink is enough to make you pull a face, turn your head and say come back another time.

The house looks a mess with faded and crumpled christmas cards barely hiding the dust that has accumulated over the last few weeks. Jayne commented yesterday how all my christmas tree branches are bowed down giving the tree a rounded down look rather than a sharp upturned christmas tree look. I think the tree is a visual indicator of how we all feel, a bit fat and down with too much stuff hanging on to us.

News eve started well with meeting Lorraine and Kyle and Gary at the pub and we had a good time all chatting and stuff till too much alcohol was drunk and I decided that celebrating an artificial time line was too much like following convention and so walked home alone at 2 minutes to midnight. It was so quiet as everyone was in doors watching tv for big ben or in pubs and clubs. I have to say I enjoyed the solitary walk knowing it was all going on in side and I was alone in the world outside.
I got home and started to take boots and socks off before the phone rang and I was persuaded to come back again. Jayne met me and we walked back and then the evening decended and really I was better off just staying at home. Jayne interfered grossly with Gary's parenting and it all got very messy. No monopoly played at all.

I've been back to work since then and am slightly enjoying it in a rather stressful way. Will be glad to get designation out of the way to be honest.

Today I want to take down the decorations and clean the house and start the new year properly. I am trying to give up alcohol till march but failed yesterday because despite not going out I stayed in and drank the last of the christmas wine with Phil.

Money- a bit worrying as spent too much over christmas and my credit card bill is going to take me over drawn this month. Have to reign in spending now.

News - Britney Spears on melt down and taken to hospital - has lost any rights over her children now.

Health - good but Norovirus is looming and sounds very nasty.

Mood - fine but really can't be bothered with socialising or messing around with Mr V and hopes he is stuck in Scotland for a while yet.

Weather - January typical with long dark days - yesterday it felt like it had hardly got light at all.

Today I want to take down decorations and clean. Go for bracing walk.

Yellow and tired and spotty

2007-12-30T09:30:00.000Z

Christmas Day and Boxing Day went well. I spent ages cooking food for recipes but actually enjoyed the preparing of the food but then ate and drank too much and as a consequence have been feeling bloated, tired and generally run down for the last two days.

My skin looks yellow and sallow, I have a huge spot thing just below my nose which I just cannot get rid of and is now worrying me that its something more frightening than just a mere spot. I feel fat and tired and generally depressed. This is not just down to too much eating and pre Christmas entertaining but some kind of winter malaise. Although I have rested and slept so well I feel incredibly tired and letharic. Jayne wants us to go to the Railway on NYE but I have never felt so unglamorus or unattractive as I do now and can't really see me feeling bubbly and bright this time tomorrow.

I tried to get the endorphins working yesterday by making myself go out for a brisk walk and it did help get things moving down below. Everything was sluggish and it felt as if my stomach and bowels were just a fermenting bubbling mess that was sort of stuck and its amazing what a brisk 17 minute walk can do. Just feeling the sun and the wind on my face made me feel so much better.

Got to shake myself out of this horrible lethargy and will be walking or more like sauntering later with Jayne in between her visiting Mothercare and doing things with her girls. I am just as needy as they are and am probably jealous of all the attention she gives them whilst at the same time feeling that its all a bit much still and she really ought to let them get on with their lives independent from her now.

Chris and Fi went to football yesterday and Spurs won 6 4 and it sounded like they had a brilliant day.

A bit worried about Karen as she tried to phone on Boxing day just as we were sitting down for dinner and I said I would call her back unfortunately she is either not answering her phone or its broken or she is sulking or something. Oh well

Money= spent too much pre Christmas and now in sales so not good

Health = feeling as above tired, run down, spotty and a bit depressed and anxious

News - family rottewieler kills baby. Benazia Bhutto assignated!

Weather = grey and overcast and cold typical December weather no wonder I am depressed I probably have SAD

Goals today

Must not eat fatty things
Am not drinking alcohol till March 1st or maybe even for the whole year.

A miserable Christmas eve

2007-12-24T22:06:00.000Z

christmas eve at about 6 pmish and all was going well. I'd had a good day, shopping, cleaning and cooking. I had even phoned my mum and was generally feeling positive about the forthcoming Christmas which I had decided was going to be about food. Phil was home and pottering about watching dvd's and Richard had come home after buying yet more food and seemed to be in a good mood. As usual he came into the kitchen to make a hot drink and generally get in my way. He put both arms aound my head to get to the cupboard and without even thinking I said oooh get off me and moved out of his way. Well he really exploded. Swore alot and banged the kettle down so hard on the cooker I thought he would break the glass top or scald me!

We were supposed to be going next door for drinks but as time went on and he went into a deep sulky depression it was obvious that no fun was going to be had. As soon as Phil went out I tried to talk to find out why he was so hurt or angry by what I said. He kept saying he was insulted in his own home and that after Christmas the house would be sold etc etc.

I feel both angry and sad. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings but he knows I don't want to be crowded and yet I also know that when he is in a good mood I seem to goad him till he goes into a bad mood and then I need to get him to talk to me. Without realising it I think I play horrible games. I can't stand him happy nor miserable. Poor Richard and poor me. We should separate and go our own ways as we only make each other miserable. He doesn't deserve that as he is not a bad person and by staying together we just torment and reduce each other.

A sad and miserable start to Christmas eve. I've plucked up courage and went upstairs and said sorry but he was asleep and although he said okay I don't know that he will remember it tomorrow. I also wonder if he has fallen out with one of his friends and I did ask him that. I also said he had double standards and I guess he knew that I know about his friendships.

We do need to separate I just don't want it to be acrimonious after all these years lets be kind. I don't want any more hurt....or maybe thats how it has to be to make the move after all.

So will this Christmas be the same as others with Richard sulking and going into other rooms or eating alone or generally doing the sulking stuff? Or can he pull it together and put on a good act.

Mistaken for pregnant and Stritctly

2007-12-23T09:20:00.000Z

I seriously have to take control of my eating as of now! Two separate people within the space of a fortnite have thought I was pregnant! If two have asked me how many have thought it?!!! Oh the embarrassing shame of it all. I have been deceiving myself saying one more chocolate won't hurt, one more drink in the evening won't make that much difference but it has. Its all added up and ganged up together in my tummy making me look about 6 months gone! ...and at my age as well!

Came home last night and had a salad for tea and just had yogurt and a banana for breakfast. It is not going to be easy with the Christmas season now in full swing and I already have a house full of food to be eaten including the Christmas cake who no one except me eats but I will have to be strong. I hereby resolve to have a healthier diet and get rid of my fake baby bump within 2 to 6 weeks.!!!

I'm a bit of a mess anyway with a huge spot on my face that won't clear up and now feeling and being fat and frumpy. I think I need a good break. This term work has been tough, I've had worries about family and stuff plus I have been fortunate enought to be invited to loads of pre christmas things with lots of food and drink and late nights. I have to take hold and be healthy. My family don't know it yet but a healthy christmas is in store for all of us.

Watched the lovely exciting Strictly Come Dancing last night and got totally involved and was pleased for Aleisha and sad for Mat although he danced brilliantly my heart was in my mouth everytime he went on to dance just incase he forgot again but he didn't he was wonderful and looked so pleased at the end of the night. I couldn't sleep last night I was so excited which is so unlike me to get so involved by a tv programme. Sad or what.

The sofas arrived and just slid through the front door as easy as anything so taking down the bannisters was totally unnecessary oh well never mind they do look lovely especially after I spent a fortune on cushions to finish them off....Jayne reminded me I was in danger of spending £60 on just cushions alone which is a bit extravagant I suppose.

Right off the battle the shops for healthy Christmas food. I am thinking of leaving the car and walking lots today. I will regain my waist again as god and this blog is my witness I will get thin.

New Tony Blair converts to Catholism - what a surprise. Other news is Strictly of course

Health - good although feeling a bit jaded and aware I've been pushing things a bit hence horrible skin with huge spot that now looks like a crater near my mouth, not very kissable is it?

Money - bit scary as have gone traditionally mad this year as always Christmas is my downfall and come May I will be panicking and looking for a new loan eeekkk

Weather- freezing fog.

Bannister removal day

2007-12-16T20:44:00.000Z

Life has been a bit busy just lately. Last week I had the works bring and share left over party followed the next day by mine and the boys trip to London to see Lord of the Rings. We had the very best seats at the front of the dress circle and I have to say the staging, music, costumes and lighting were all fantastic but either the story just didn't translate well to stage or the acting was off that night but either way it didn't really do much for us. Frodo just became irritating like some bored civil servant asked to work a bit late and run an errand rather than carry a precious world saving or destroying ring!! I am thinking about writing to complain I feel so strongly about it. It was lovely spending time with the boys though, all to myself.

Friday night was spent at Christines with her family and Greg and Sally and PH. It was a lovely night although I did struggle as I was tired but it was lovely sitting in such good company, very relaxed and nice to see Greg tuck the old wine away. On Saturday I went Christmas shopping with Christine and John and included a make over in William and Griffin. It was a lovely christmassy weekend. I bought a dress for the works do on Tuesday and loads of other stuff.

Today I have just pottered and tidied up the Christmas tree while Richard eventually sawed off the bannisters in readiness for next weeks attempted delivery of the sofas.

I am petrified that once again they won't fit and we'll be left with no furniture and me paying an expensive repayment scheme for two years for furniture we can't fit in the house!! As it was I have spent a fortune over the weekend and with more christmasy things to come next week the money is going to be very tight and I have already dipped into the savings!

I'm still hooked on Strictly come dancing and this week little matt did miracles and danced a beautiful walz which had been crying and cheering for him. Now the final will be between him and Aliesha and of course Alisha will win and will deserve to do so. What a lovely competition.

Health - good despite being surrounded by colds and flu and feeling fat

Money - scary out of control

Mood - good

Weather bloody cold and frosty the winter is definetely here

News - kennel maid gets arm amputated after being mauled by rottweiler

2007-12-11T07:44:00.000Z

Mmmm the childcare problem is turning into a problem and time is marching forward. Andy reminds me that unless we have childcare we won't get designated and if we are not designated they lose 100k and people lose jobs. No pressure then. Bloody Kelly is not responding to my calls and I have a horrible feeling she will say no anyway. All a bit of a worry really.

But surprisingly I slept really well. Maybe it was cos I had achived a lot yesterday. I bought a real tree which does not appear to be dropping unlike last years one which was almost bare as Richard carried it into the house and by christmas day looked like some modern art version of an anti christmas tree. Poor old Slyvia who thought she had just come out for a coffee didnt realise that she was going to be helping me to struggle with a tree in and out of my car as the tree tried to untie itself from its netting. She was a good sort.

I also tidied up downstairs, wrote some more cards and changed beds and stuff upstairs so when I went to bed all nice a clean myself I felt good. I do love waking as the heating comes on and feeling like I have really slept well. Just wish I could do that every night instead of it being rare.

Met Christine S for lunch yesterday which was good although time whizzed by and then spent a happy hour being receptionist at the local children centre to help out as they were short staffed. I enjoyed that and could quite easily see myself in this role.

We're all up early and getting ready for another day.

Christmas and birthdays are looming with all the social stuff and although I am very wary of saying this will be a good christmas as in the tradition of all soap operas that always gives them the kiss of death I am hoping for a good one with nice food, nice people and a nice rest...a little romance would be extra nice as well.

Mood- good

Health = good

Money - cant check bank balance cos its all gone wrong at their end.

News = couple arrested for killing residence of old peoples home

Weather - cold and wintry and dark very dark

Christmas decorations

2007-12-10T07:36:00.000Z

At last Jay seems to be seeing a bit of perspective and actually spent Saturday night in her own home in her own bed! She is admitting that a lot of it was about her need to be needed and that she does have to draw back and let the little family find its own way. Having said that she turned up there unannounced and univited yesterday morning unable to stay away any longer. I have talked to her about letting them struggle and find success through overcoming difficulty and how this will boost their self confidence but how much she is able to take in and actually do I really don't know. It will be small steps that might be hard to see any change in Jay let alone Jus.

We got out the decorations last night. God we have kept so much rubbish and yet its hard to throw away perfectly good tinsel whilst at the same time knowing I am never going to put it up again its so horribly tacky now. We have a little tree with lights on which I think looks fine but Phil wants a real tree and I keep thinking we don't know how many Christmassy he'll be at home so why not. He is a stickler for tradition is our Phil whereas Chris just wants new and up to date stuff.

The house is a complete mess with half the hall being decorated so have bits all over the carpet. In the sitting room we have two odd chairs plus a deck chair till the new sofas arrive on the 22. I just hope and pray they fit this time and am petrified they will try and take them away again.

Have written some cards and wrapped some presents and did a few last minute christmas shopping. I am well ahead this year as today I was buying the kind of presents I generally rush around and buy the last week before Christmas.

Am hooked on strictly come dancing and to my relief little Mat was saved by my voting 3 times to keep him in. Go on and make me proud now Mat.

Felt a bit sad today , having to say goodbye to my dreams of PH rescuing me but also know it was the right decision.

Health - good despite being surrounded by colds and flues

Money = surprisingly good

Mood = bit anxious about everyone but have decided not to see myself as the centre of the world and hopefully they will think that as well.

News - lost canooist mans wife returns and is arrested

Weather = very windy and cold and dark, it is the darkest days in December so to be expected I guess

Mum falls and I tell PH no more kissing

2007-12-08T20:13:00.001Z

Received a text from Lisa saying Mum had fallen down the stairs and had been taken to hospital in an ambulance! She had fallen down nearly all her stairs and bashed her head against the radiator, hurt her ankle and badly bruised herself but miraculously apart from that she is fine. She is very lucky at worse she could have been killed and she is lucky not to have any broken bones. Its a shame because she was going out and doing more for herself so I hope this does not hold her back too much.

I had to phone K and tell her and to start with she sounded fine but throughout the rapidly changing conversation I could tell things were not good. She is spending money on items that she doesn't need or can afford like make overs and new clothes and a computer. Ordering skips and then demanding they be taken back, arguing with friends and generally finding everyone gets in her way, spoils her ideas and thwarts her plans. It must be a puzzling world in which she is living where no one understands and you could hear the annoyance and anger in her voice. I hope and pray that she is getting the right kind of help from her doctor and that she will move from this horrible state soon. I really do fear her when she is ill as she becomes so threatening and scary and who knows what might spring into her mind to do although at the moment she is talking about inviting people to weddings and buying clothes and stuff. Lets hope this mood continues and the downward spiral is not too bad for her.

I saw PH today and when he came over and hugged me I as usual turned my cheek and and said no give me a proper kiss. I said no and we need to talk about that. So we did. I told him the kissing had disturbed my equlibrium and that he was my dearest and closest friend and I don't want to lose the frienship but the kisses felt like it was moving the friendship in a direction I was not ready for. It felt too intimate and made me uncomfortable.
As I half expected he was sorry if he had upset me and didn't want me to be uncomfortable and the friendship was important to him and he didn't expect because he kissed me to leap into bed with me. (just saying this made me want to squirm) and that he would basically respect my wishes. As soon as he said that he started to tell me about a woman friend he had not seen for about two years who he felt had been avoiding him but who had very recently been back in touch and that he was going to meet her for lunch very soon. I felt this conversation had been steered so PH could tell me I was not the only fish in the sea and that as one door closed another opened. KNow your place Gill I thought but I also thought its his way of saving face of not been embarrassed and I could cope with this.
Following that I relaxed and we had a lovely chat, laughing over some things and just chatting and as usual the time whizzed by. At one point when talking about travelling and his plans to go away I did say if he needed a travelling companion I would go willingly.

As we parted I gave him a big hug and he jokingly asked if hugs were okay and I said hugs were good. It was the right thing to do. I just could not physically do anything with him even though I love him to bits it just would not feel right.......

....unlike the delicious Mr V who I saw last night and who still turns me on by just being in my prescence. Shame Mr V doesn't have the same lovely attributes as PH. I have to take my men in bits.

Confusion over love

2007-12-06T22:03:00.000Z

I'd sent PH a text last night saying that he had asked to see me and then didn't send me any dates to which he apologised and said he had had an alwful week and would try and text and see me for a brief while at least. So when he sent a text saying he was in the area and could meet up quickly I was all pleased and excited. When I phoned him he sounded so down and depressed about the waterways project which is turning into a complete nightmare and I remembered how in the past he has suffered from depression and did worry about him. After trying to work out where best to meet, at one time he suggested a layby!! No thank you, we met at Tesco coffee shop in GN.

I didn't hug or kiss him a greeting and we went to get out coffee and chatted as usual quite easily. Both of us are having stressful times although he does seem very unhappy about his marriage and work and his daughter who is ill. When I asked him what he was going to do about his marriage as he was so unhappy he asked me what I was going to do which was a surprise as I have not particularly complained about my marriage although to be honest it is probably worse than his. I guess Y does talk to him whereas when I enter the house R says nothing to me and has these silly little sulks when he won't say if he wants dinner or not and oh its too boring.

Anyway in between him complaining and me stressing about Karen who is very ill again I was studying him and deciding how I feel about this man.

He is tall, grey balding head, sticking out ears, and a grey beard. A bit paunchy and defintely saggy neck and big old mans nose...and thats the problem he does look like an older man which is what he is. I am just not sure I can find him physically attractive or desirable although on a spiritual and emotional level I think we are good together.

I left him feeling depressed so either there was some transferrence going on or the realisation that over these last few weeks I have been fooling and convincing myself to fall in love with him because he can offer me so many other things such as security, comfort, companionship, love and fun and excitement, but what about the physical side of love? That has to be a consideration. I find I want to love him and do love him in many ways...perhaps the rest will follow although to be honest he didn't push anything today so maybe his mind is on other matters anyway and that he doesn't love me like I thought he did.
Its all confusing...and Richard is being a pain.

Weather - rain and wind and dark decemember days

Mood - bit depressed and anxious tonight

Money - checked bank balance and its all good! So well done me!!

Health - very good thank you although I must lose weight especially afte hairdressers mum asked me if I was pregnant yesterday!! How awful. Must cut down.

News Missing man returns after 7 years! Seems a scam has been going on but who is involved? First the wife says she knows nothing until a photo of the couple from last year is published and now the sons are saying that they knew nothing- but they have already sold their homes and given up their jobs.

Little Baby Blake

2007-12-04T07:26:00.000Z

Aahh I actually got to see the little baby thats caused all the fuss yesterday and what a gorgeous, lovely baby he is. He lays in your arms and tries really hard to communicate and make sense of the world. He is fascinated by faces and eyes and you can see him trying to work out what it all means. He is lovely and I want one, only joking.

Already Ja and Ju are setting themselves up for struggles ahead by making sure they rock him to sleep rather than putting him down in the cot to sleep. I am surprised at Ja as you would think she should know better but no she is already starting Jus off the same as she did, replicating those old mistakes. I dispair sometimes although she is now talking about returning home and back to work on Monday. I think she actually wants her own life again although it is going to be hard as she makes herself so indespensible to Jus. Poor girl I feel sorry for her not having anyone except her mum to talk to and be with, its very sad.

and talking of sad I've just spent ages trying to download Van Morrison track to my phone so I can use it as a caller id for PH.

News - Gillian Gibbon the Mohammed teddy teacher is released and just landed at Heathrow

Weather - its too dark to tell

Health- good

Mood- good

MOney = found out yesterday I had over 300 pound in back pay but I bet its all gone down a horrible hole called an overdraft.

Exciting times

2007-12-03T16:28:00.000Z

Oooh ooh do the funky gibbon....I feel busy and stretched and excited and nervous and anxious and hopeful. Just got to keep the momentum going otherwise I might just plunge off the cliff. There is just so much to do and get involved with in this job.
Met with Sue R today who is very disillusioned by the way she has been treated by Essex which is a shame as she seems to know her area and her job very well. I like her even though I suspect I'm not supposed to. Poor Denise looked all grey and tired today and she didn't stop for lunch and said she was fed up and had too much to do. Alex who only started two weeks ago didn't quite have the same air of confidence and bounce about her today. See we all get those wobbly moments not just me although everyone else seems much better than me. I learnt today that feeling like that is normal and is actually called the 'imposter feeling' that we shouldn't be there.

...and where is PH? I've waited for him to come back from his trip which is supposed to be today and where is he? Gone, not a word. I want him to come back and declare himself. I want to start a new chapter of my life with him, I want him to care for me and look after me. I am totally selfish and I am looking forward to revealing my vulunerability to this very lovely caring man...but I can't if he don't come back.

Oh do hurry back P

2007-12-02T11:27:00.000Z

I wish he would hurry back now from his self emposed exhile or a 'break'! I've had time to think and I do miss him and I do think I could think romantically about him and want to get this started now. Sometimes I feel my life is stagnating and I am sitting in a mess when I could be doing stuff. Still he gets back tomorrow and hopefully my earlier reluctance has not put him off. I feel a bit like a victorian maiden waiting for her suitor to declare himself. He almost has and I have almost discouraged him in the past. Maybe its too late now and he's gone away with someone else or wants to tell me of his love for someone else. We will see.

My work is challenging and interesting at the moment and I am trying to get my head round all the statistics needed for this job. I'm spending Sunday mornings looking up SOA's and whats happening locally. Who is in work, what ethnic origin etc etc. Interesting and daunting at the same time.

Had an honest conversation with Ja yesterday. She admitted her motives for staying at the flat are not all for Ju but because she wants to avoid going home to Mar. We also talked about her nurturing that young fledgling family and she said that Jus is already texting other men. I seriously don't hold much hope. Apparently Jus and Pa tried for 3 months to get pregnant. Disgusting. Never worked and deliberately with no morals decided to have a baby with no source of income at all. She should be ashamed and it makes me cross.

Pondering

2007-12-01T08:46:00.000Z

J actually came out last night to J and M for dinner! Her first real social event since before the baby was born. We stopped at the supermarket on the way so she could buy some water and chocolates for J and she was saying how difficult she is finding it all. How poor J is struggling with her emotions and worries of being ill again. The latest crisis is because she has an infection discovered during a routine swab from the midwives and the doctor wants her on antibiotics and J is all over the place worrying that she will have a reaction to the pills, that its more pills to take and why can't she be like other mothers?
Instead of empathising and moving her on J gets in the pit with her and just totally aligns herself with her daughter.

There seems to be some kind of battle going on there with P being ousted out. J only leaves the flat to have a break from him and complains all the time of the things he doesn't do and the things he does do but incorrectly. I don't think he and J have ever been on their own with their new baby since he was born. J doesn't realise or perhaps she does and will only be satisfied when she succeeds in separating this newly formed family.

I feel sorry for the lad and he is a lad that has to learn how to be a dad. He wasn't sure if the baby was his but he stuck around, he has had no time alone with his new family but he sticks around, his home isn't really his home, he is barely tolerated and yet expected to clean up and behave like he has a stake in the place and now he has been told that the one thing he can take a pride in which is track record on working is to be taken away from him as J has told him to take 3 months off work to look after J!! Its all bloody rediculous and J is causing real damage.

I find myself waking at night worrying about it all and I know that Li does as well. Why is this bothering us so much? Why can't we just let it be and mind our own business? I find myself rehearsing what to say to J and even planning how things must be said even if it means losing her friendship! Perhaps because it feels like this is about J's need to be needed and to be at the centre of things. Perhaps because it does feel like a battle and that if J was to win she would never give that girl independence and that any future partner would face the same. Plus we are talking about a little boy and his relationship with his father, plus a newly emerging man's self esteem, ideas of masculinity are being seriously damanged. If I were P's mum I would be extremely upset and worried without really knowing what to do for the best. Its all a horrible mess and sadly caused in the main by my best friend.

My emotions are all over the place myself as I discovered today when after happily setting off to Colchester I could have burst into tears when Maria inadvertantly unplugged my lap top before I had a chance to down load the messages. A stupid thing but I suddenly felt really upset and tearful and yet just two days earlier I was literally on top of the world.
I don't like the new girls either as she presents as super confident telling others what to do and describing herself as the blonde like Sharon but prettier!! Bloody cheek! How dare she use the youth card and measure her self against someone who had years of experience and maturity that was much valued amongst her peers!

After my little emotional moment I went to visit my favourite family and they told me how Charrisa is pregnant and how devastated they are. I kept thinking of Ju and Ja and how right they are to be so upset. This silly girl who just wants something to love is causing all kinds of problems for the future and these lovely people are so worried about her but feeling so sidelined by both Charrisa and the authority who don't even remember to invite them to meetings now!

They were pleased and excited to hear that Keith and I have been meeting for coffee, but what they don't know is that he will go for a younger model and one without the baggage of a husband still pottering about the home.

Not that that seems to put off PH. He's gone off somewhere now to have a break. I don't know where or for how long but I do sense he has gone to do some thinking and I have a haunch that when he comes back he will want to talk to me. It scares me but fills me with potential possiblities.

I am very attached to him. He would love and look after me. He is someone who is liked and respected within which ever group he finds himself. He does do interesting things and we do natter away about anything and everything. If we had a life together it would be interesting and fun. I could learn things through him and hopefully I would inject a sense of fun within in him and also challenge him as well. When I add this all up I don;t know why I hesitate and I guess it is only the physical and I know that could grow. I am worried I am convincing myself this is right and I did that so many years ago with Richard and look what happened there!
For all I know he may come back from his break to tell me he is seeing someone else or that he and his wife are moving away to make a better go of their relationship. For all I know he may just want a quick fling whereas I am thinking if I am in this it has to be long term with firm commitments. I need to safeguard my personal security longterm. I cannot get into a full relationship without that safety net. If I lost this house what then?

Weather - sunny at the moment but heavy rain and wind predicted for later.

Health - good but have a funny tummy this morning due to wine and curry last night

News - Teacher in prison for calling the teddy mohammed and yesterday a thousand protesters demanded she be shot! Insane!

Money ---scary scary, and I must get a grip again.

Mood - good, anxious about J, anxious about K and anxious, anxious about work and apprehensive about PH so no wonder I am not sleeping well.

Excitement at work

2007-11-29T17:22:00.000Z

Had such a brilliant day in work yesterday. The partners workshop that I had planned went really well. I do privately take the glory for this as it was my ideas and I planned the morning and I was the one who stood at the front and welcomed everyone. I did stand back at one point as it was in danger of becomming the GH show and although I would have loved to have carried on its not my CC but the lead bodies and its them who have to take ownership for it. Anyway we had huge sign up and overall a good feeling of success was felt generally. We are now zooming ahead to plan for the parents open day.

Trouble with getting excited about work is that I find it hard to switch off and relax and I woke in the night unable to get the day off my mind...so am feeling tired today. I quite like this feeling of excitement in work although its still a bit scary.

PH seems to have gone on some kind of a break and I sort of get a sense he has gone to sort himself out. To have some thinking time for himself. He has had a hard time re the waterways, things at home are not good and I think he does have some feelings for me...or at least that is how it feels with messages like wanting to talk to me, hoping to see me etc etc. I really don't know how I feel. I do like him and I know I would miss his wise counsel and feelings of being cared for but I don't know if it is enought althought then when I look around my extremely messy house with R barely speaking and now refusing to eat my meals and I wonder why do I hesitate? Why not jump at the chance of being with someone who will care for you and look after you? Someone who would love you and make you feel so special. Jayne is so preoccupied with her own children and maybe he is the man I have been waiting for?

Have ordered my christmas cards through unicef today so they will be infused with a smug sense of do gooding.

News - government funding scandal

Weather - sunny today and mild

Mood - excited and tired

Health good but have been surrounded and I do mean surrounded by ill people all week.

Money - daren't look which is not good at all.

Anxiety

2007-11-25T08:19:00.000Z

Woke up feeling tired and depressed and generally and worried and spent the morning just making calls etc. I did go and meet Lorraine at the Hare for lunch though and it was a very nice way to spend a dreary, drizzly cold November afternoon. The shops would have been very busy and crowded with christmas shoppers whereas in the pub it was all warm and cosy and comfortable.
Jayne joined us for about an hour looking really tense and stressed and tired. This whole thing is ageing her. She is getting cross with everyone except Jus and in particular with Paul. I feel sorry for him. He is a boy in boys skin barely 19 but his maturity level is around 16, not the brightess penny in the box, has found himself with a pregnant and lets not forget she got pregnant deliberately although it does take two to tango, nerotic who cannot do anything without her mother being around or involved and the mother is the mother in law from hell. She and Lauren are permanently there, complaining and freezing Paul out and yet moaning when he does not do what they want. He needs to assert himself and start saying it is his baby and he will bring the baby up as he sees fit not them. But he won't and if he did Jus would chuck him out. Its such a messy situation and I do blame Jayne for this.

Heard from Ph who said he had missed being with me today and perhaps we can talk on Monday or Tuesday ...he means when wifey isn't around. Maybe his marriage is better than he pretends hence why all the secrecy? When he sends tex like this it just puts me under pressure and means I can't talk to him in the way I did before. Lorraine thinks it all sounds sweet and that maybe the age difference, and lack of physical attraction is something to be minimalized but I wonder if she would think that if she saw him.

House is a complete mess and I am not sure whether to tackle it today or in the week. Work is very busy and I simply have too much to do this week and am in panic mode. I wonder if I didn;'t plan anything in my diary whether it would just get busy anyway?

Chris is back today and I have to poke Phil with a stick to clean the flat. I want it to be nice for Chris to come home to and I also want this house to be nice for Phil to come back to. Ah well

Mood - anxious and stressed

Health - good although I have been surrounded by people with colds

Money= it pre christmas so not too good and I can't check bank balance on new computer whiich is dangerous

News = lost cds with 25 million peoples details of bank accounts etc. England out of Europe cup and manager sacked

Weather cold and drizzly and grey

Concerns about K

2007-11-24T11:37:00.000Z

Heard from J via text last night that Kwas waiting for an ambulance to take her to hospital and that J thought Kwas depressed. Today when I contact J for more details it seems that J was not around but K friends were looking after her. No one knows if she has gone into hospital or not. Sad and worrying news.
Whenever K has gone into hospital when being ill before it was either through her own agreement or sectioned and that however she has got there she always gets worse on entering the hospital before the drugs or therapy or whatever starts to kick in and she then very slowly gets better.
I am desperately sad for K who has managed her illness so well till this point and also to be honest worried about how this might affect me. In the past she has made me promise not to interfere unless she asks me to I am glad to hear her good friends are looking out for her and I hope this might mean some of the anger and resentment she has displayed towards me might not be quite so this time. To be honest she scares me with her threats to come round and bash me up etc.
I cancelled PH which was a kind of relief really and phoned Mum and L this morning but had little more to add really. It seems that K had a brilliant holiday and came back to a messy house courtesy of J and was feeling down due to anniversary of dad's death etc. I guess this all tipped her over the edge. What a horrible mess.

A horrible is mess also sums up the state of my house as well as R has been trying to re do the ceilings in the hall and bathroom. He doesn't prepare anything so I have plaster stained photo's around the plaster stained walls. Plaster stained hall carpet and a fine layer of plaster over everything. I know he is going to complain that I am negative about anything he does but really the whole bloody house is a complete tip and its driving me absoloutely mad!!!

Shame because the weekend started off so well with a day trip for Linda, Sharon and me to Bluewater, my first proper visit. I really enjoyed the day and bought some Christmasy stuff and a pair of Faith boots for myself. We all missed Jay and worried about how the baby is probably not bonding with his parents but that Jay is taking over everything and not giving the new family a chance.
We sent Jay a photo of Next and that was enough to lure her finally away and out for a latte later in the day. It is how we all feared with Jay bonding with the baby, she even said I feel like I have a baby without going through all the labour and pregnancy. She has the routines down to a fine art whereas Jus feels completely disempowered and has not confidence in handling the baby. Jay is saying she will teach Jus but the reality is Jus needs to struggle, she needs to worry and be anxious and get used to handling the baby herself and she won't all the time Jay is presenting as the perfect parent and making Jus feel even worse. Its all such a mess and you can only express so much before Jay shuts down. Even Lauren was sleeping around there last night and you want to say who is this for? Its certainly not in the best interest of that new fledgling little family. I predict Jus will develope aggrophobia and not bond with this baby. She start saying the baby rejects her and then we'll have years of worry etc. I kept waking up last night thinking I must tell Jay to make sure the baby gives his first smile to Jus and then things might be saved.

Just heard from J who says K is home from hospital and just needs to rest. I've just spoken to J who tells me K came back from holiday on a high and was talking about a man who was going to rescue her and how she would be starting up a new business and would be able to support J etc etc. Its worrying she is home now. I do hope her friends are keeping a close eye on her otherwise she can do anything and I am just around the corner!

2007-11-18T16:49:00.000Z

Grief is such a funny thing. A few weeks ago I was feeling so mixed up and sad and now here I am today, the anniversary feeling fine.
Its been a funny weekend. I've not really done much at all despite having lots of intentions to do housework and stuff. Instead I've just pottered about playing on Phil's new pC which is very nice. The screen is so nice and sharp and clean its a joy to use. Not really an excuse for spending money I don't really have on stupid games or time I should be using to do other things. OH well life has been busy just lately and the next few days or even weeks leading up to Christmas will be busy so a quiet slacker weekend won't really hurt.

Its turned really cold this weekend which is typical as I gave all my coats except a small jacket away in the summer expecting the autumn to just linger on till Christmas like it did last year. Instead we seem to have launched straight into the winter now and I am sitting at the pc listening to the wind whistle around the house and rattle the dry leaves against the wall and up the path. Its a day for staying in and being cosy and later after dinner I shall settle back with a glass of red wine and drink a toast to Dad and welcome the start of the winter.
I am generally not very good with winter but am determined to find enjoyment in dark days and cold nights. It will be fun to scrape ice off the windscreen and cosy to wear thick socks and wooly jumpers and sit in the dark with candles glowing.

I've been thinking about Peter H and am really not sure how I am feeling. I do like him alot and he could be my rescuer or my ..... oh well

A year on

2007-11-17T08:31:00.000Z

This time last year we were all about to start a horrible period in our lives. It was simply the last day of my Dad's life. I still think about him every day and this last few weeks have been emotional. The changing colours of the season are a daily reminder of last year, with the weeping trees reflecting our own sadness. I still miss him but remind myself over again how lucky we were to have such a father.

I slept so well last night, falling asleep about 10.30ish and not waking till the heating kicked in about 6 this morning. Its so rare and so wonderful to have a full undisturbed nights sleep it really makes a difference to my energy and emotional mood.

Work has played a part in my emotions these last few months what with the sadness and grief of RJ finishing and our little team disbanding; then starting a new job and all the challenges that intails. This week has been brilliant but I still wake up wondering what lies ahead and whether I will be able to manage it. I am beginning to wonder if this is simply how it is? There are no certainties and either I embrace the excitement and challenge or get out.

Physically the stress has an effect and I notice along with broken sleep eczmae behind my knees and elbows and last week a there was a permanent headache which thankfully seems to have gone now. So hopefully I am getting it into a kind of perspective. I do want to be good at this job I really do.

Poor Jayne is undergoing her own horrible time as Justine has not been well since the birth of the baby. She lost a lot of blood and at the beginning the baby struggled to breath. Now mother and baby are home but Jayne has not been able to leave as Justine feels so faint all the time. Its hard to know how much is physical and how much is psychological. Jayne obviously feels it is a real physical effect of the blood loss. I suspect its a mixture.

Jayne has really passed on to Justine her own anxieties and now their relationship is horribly emeshed with no one else being able to be a part of it. Jayne has excluded Mark, has a big impact on Paul and I fear now is even excluding the baby slightly. She says things like Justine will have to concentrate on her own health, Paul can take care of the baby. I do love Jayne and I know that this relationship is not good for her as she seems to crave it and reject it at the same time. Someone is going to have a breakdown. Although its Justine who displays the anxieties I somehow feel they are transferred from Jayne. Now although Jayne has tried to protect Justine from all the pain and worries of the world instead of being a confident and happy girl she is petrified of everything and can do nothing without Jayne being around. This blood deficiency will only excerbate this and I wonder if there will ever be a full recovery. Will it be agrophobia next?

Jayne could set up shifts with other members of the family so its not just her around and I will suggest it but I know she will reject it and not like me for saying so.

I saw Mr V on Thursday and he still bares the marks of my scratches from a couple of months ago! Apparently he told her he was playing with the kids and they scratched him! Terrible eh. He is in Bogner this weekend with all the lads including Robo. No doubt there will be lots of false names such as Simon and what not. Oh well its his life and I'm not too worried as I know he will be back. As usual our time together was excellent, so exciting and passionate.

As for Peter H, well it worries me and adds to my stress. All this business of asking to kiss me and the other day asking me out for dinner. Part of me knows I need to stop this and not lead him on but the other part really likes his company and I do enjoy being with him I just don't want anything physical.

I saw the W on the children in need last night which was very moving and sent them and K a text sendint my love. I am seeing K for lunch next week, now he is someone I could physically engage with but no emotionally I suspect. I need a man with the integrity of K, the looks and passion of Mr V and the emotional support and kindness and excitement of Peter. Instead I have to wonder between three men, keeping them apart and yet savouring their specialities.

Mood - thinking and reflecting

Health = good

Money - slightly scary and I don't want to look at bank balances although I have bought some Christmas presents already so thats good

News - horror house has so far revealed two dead teenage girls

Weather its supposed to be sunny later but its a bit wet and drizzly at the moment.

I have the house to clean and books to read and shopping to buy

2007-11-12T20:46:00.000Z

I know my stress level is high because I have a horribly itchy rash inside my elbow and behind my knee. I think this is some kind of eczeama caused by stress. My sleep is disturbed and I wake last like night about 2ish and then can't get back to sleep till about 5ish and then wake exhausted when the alarm rings at 6! I also have a permanent headache which is caused by tension and I keep doing stupid things like breaking glasses or tonight remembering not to rub my eyes when cutting chillies and then rubbing just the corner and thinking oh well its only the corner and then acerbating it by rubbing the rest of my eye. Hence really sore burning eyes which only felt better by me literally holding my eye under the cold tap in the bathroom!!

I must get this all in persepective but there seems so much to think about at the moment. What to do about Peter, things to do in work, will the new sofa's fit through the door plus being aware that its almost a year since my Dad died.

With hindsight I can say I have enjoyed work today and actually achieved a lot such as Jane Y agreeing to my plans for the workshop. It will be interesting to see or hear her claim the credit for this if it all goes well and I hope she claims the same if it doesn't go so well as well.
I also met with Linda and she has also agreed to meet the nursery managers. Just got to get the date finalised for the first meeting. Also had a useful discussion with Andy and Jill tonight and a good chat with Jane and Slyvia so was all good fun really.

Poor Jaynee is so stressed and has not eaten since last Thursday. She is obviously worried about Justine and spends all available time at the hospital and is now getting stressed and cross with Paul who is obviously not doing enough so she is doing even more. It will never end.

Got a text from Chris and Fiona who told me the name of their hotel in Goa. It is apparently lovely and they are having a wonderful time.

I've got Peter on my mind as well. He has now invited me to day out in Cambridge at some college in November which sounds lovely. Looking at archives and listening to an interesting speaker having a nice lunch. What could be nicer and in such good company as well. My concern is this new move to kissing me and it just feels different. I am worried I cannot respond in the way he would want me to and I don't want to hurt or lead him on and I don't want to lose him as a friend but am not sure I can really see him as anything else. I suppose there is little I can do at the moment so its really no point in worrying. Perhaps its important not to be railroaded into doing anything I am not comfortable with and I need to assert myself next time. I think I will be more ready next time as last week I was unprepared. I don't want to make another mistake in my life like I did with Richard.

I've got to find a way to de stress myself and I am seriously thinking of some kind of exercise which I know would help.

Health - good ish but feel headachy

Mood - highly stressed

News- Cameron wants increased penalties for rape- horrific murder of English student in Italy

Money- not very good, dipping into overdraft

Weather autumnal and cold tonight for the first time my car told me to be ice alert!! Winter is here.

Tired and stressed and all messed up

2007-11-11T08:36:00.000Z

I'm tired, confused and stressed. Everything technical seems to be breaking down, nothing seems to be going to plan and I'm all over the place.

Work is very stressful as I am still catching up with things that need to be done but armed with only a limited knowledge although I am aware that actually I do know much more than I did and can almost do a convincing bluff so long as no one who actually knows more than me is around.

I've gone from wondering what it is I actually do and does the role consist of sort of made up jobs that other people could quite easily do, to finding I have more than enough to do and not enough hours to do it. For example trying to find a suitable childcare place for the two new centres is proving difficult and now we know that designation is only in January that seems like a very short amount of time to do a now impossible task.

The other week the tv blew up, yesterday sky+ seems to have gone on the blink. The sofa I had ordered arrived yesterday but was too big to fit through the door so had to be sent back. Richard and I dealt with a minor crisis in our normal way by rowing over the best way to deal with this. So now the minor crisis becomes a huge dramatic crisis punctuated by swear words and shouts and re hashing of past misdemeanours.
Chris has flown to Goa and I worry about him and Fiona being attacked and killed. You hear such horrible stories like the poor student horribly killed in Italy just recently or the couple driving around Australia being murdered and I know I am sounding more like my Mum and have to keep it in persepective but I expect my worry is caused by my general stresssy ness.

Phil has gone to stay at Chris's and I know I will miss him being around. What do I do now? Who do I cook for? It seems pointless making nice meals for me and Richard. He moans about them and it really doesn't matter for me.

Saw Peter H for lunch the other day and told him I had missed him and how upset I had been about work and thinking of my Dad alot and he had getting hold of my hand, telling me how attractive I was etc etc and then to cap it all at the end when we normally do the kissing on the cheek goodbyes he asked my why I always turn my head and could he kiss me properly to which I rather or really very uncomfortably allowed him too. God now he has gone away thinking I am all in love with him and its all getting out of hand! Why does he have to rush things. I don't physically find him attractive but I do like him as a person enormously.
The difference between how I feel for Peter and how I feel for Mr V was brought sharply into focus as earlier in the morning I had seen Mr V. Funnily enough I have been putting him off lately, finding excuses not to see him and only that morning I had lied and told him Phil was at home. As he couldn't find anywhere for us to meet (thank god I thought as I really didn't want all that energetic flinging around marlarky) we had met quickly and just had a kiss and a cuddle. As soon as I saw him I just melted again. Physically that man just turns me on by being there. He was wearing a jumper and you could see the outline of his physic, his shoulder and arm muscles nd the muscles on his chest. Not too much but just enough. He is just so manly and as he kissed and touched me he told me I was like a piano that he knew just how to play so I made the right sounds. ahhhhh. I couldn't tell him anything though and he would never listen to me or even confide in me any feelings or problems he may have. Two very different men and I know which one is the more genuine and lovely and I also know which one attracts me like no other.

Jayne is all understandably pre occuppied with the birth of her first grandson who has had some diffculties with his breathing and been in special baby care. If this could have happened to anyone else except Jayne this would have been difficult enough but now...I worry about how they will all be on high states of anxiety and Justine will not give Jayne a moment to herself or me now. Thats what it is really about me! I am just as greedy for Jayne as her girls and I guess I get jealous. I suppose I'll just have to accept things as they are and find another friend.

As I am typing these problems I can see the soloutions and in reality nothing is so bad really. Just when its all put together it feels big and I wake in the night and can't get back to sleep again. I get tired and bored in the early evening and go to bed just because I am bored and can';t read in the evenings.

I've got to get a grip really and start to make perhaps a different life for myself. One that isn't dependent on Jayne and Phil. I could see more of Richards mum and help her out a bit. I could decorate the bathroom or do a bit more gardening or get involved in some charity or something.
As for work. It will be okay. I just need to get a first year under my belt and stay calm. I will be good at this job I can feel it.
Right off to listen to the Archers its on early today cos of Armistance day

Stressed with new job

2007-10-22T09:16:00.000Z

Work is very stressful at the moment. I feel like someone has handed me a bowl of cooking ingredients, partly mixed and said right off you go and finish the meal. I don't really know how the ingredients have been assembled, where we are in the cooking or mixing stage or even what the meal is supposed to look or taste like at the end! So last week when the woman from Together for Children arrived at first S and then the next day H I was seriously on catch up. There I sat with the lead bodies with all the feelings of your worst exam coming back. Friday night I felt a complete failure and have seriously wondered if I am up to this job.
I am determined not to give up and keep telling myself that I can do it but its reminded me of a long time ago when working for the library service and not really feeling able to cope with that managerial job then. I sort of gave it up and have regretted it as I know now I could do that job.
I also tell myself I am not stupid and if others can learn and do this job then so can I! To give up would damage my self confidence enormously and I am determined to find success.
I've just got to read more, work harder and stay calm and all will be well.
I have not been sleeping well lately. The last couple of nights I have had terrible wind or indegestion problems which I have put down to food or drink but whatever the cause I wake in the mornings feeling terribly tired and just wanting to go back to sleep.

A weekend

2007-10-08T16:32:00.000Z

The weekend sped by so quickly. Starting with Friday night when I decided I did not want to spend the night not being able to hear what people were saying and told Jayne I would not be going to the Railway only to have to spend money I could not afford and wake up the next day hungover. Instead I watched tv, drank red wine and was in bed asleep by 9.30!! I think I am turning into a fossil! Oh and in between the drinking red wine and falling a asleep sent some slightly drunken random texts and emails to Peter and Keith.

Woke up on Saturday to 3 messages from Mr V asking where I was and saying he wanted a lift home ie sex. Peter H had responded to my drunken philosophical text and we had a bit of a banter.

Went with Jayne to Chelmsford to buy some perfume they don't do the lotion here. We had a nice mooch around and I bought Chris a part of his birthday present of a salad dressing mixer and some oils. Jayne seems depressed which is unsurprising given that Mark is still out of work, Justine is about to give birth and she has huge debts to pay off. Shame but she is her own worse enemy especially where those girls are concerned. She has bred monsters in them.

Sunday we went to Karen's and she went through all Jayne's debts and told her to cut up her credit cards. Jayne literally went pale. You could see the colour drain from her face as Karen brought in the scissors and started snapping them at Jayne to cut up her cards. She did cut a few up but not all. Unless she does something drastic her bubble is going to burst and times will be hard for her. Actually it looks like they will be hard anyway but better for her to be in control than the banks and credit card people to take control.

I came home potter about the garden and later popped out to see Mr V. I wasn't sure if I was going to meet him or even if I wanted to as we had met on line the night before and I get always get cross as he treats me like an object not a person which in lots of ways he does in real life but it feels different. I get lots out of the real life meetings and little out of the online meetings. I was all set to give him up but as usual when I saw him and he got in the car and kissed me I just melted.

He says things like how does it feel to be made to feel like a desirable and wanted woman? He tells me we will meet like this forever. He tells me I am hot and sexy and for a woman of nearly 50 who is generally feeling fat and frumpy being told those things are really rather wonderful.
Afterwards I laugh and he asks me why I am laughing? I tell him I am waiting for the bad time, the time when its not so good so we can both think we'll give it a miss next time, or that its run its course and then I say we have never had that bad time have we and he laughs and agrees. We kiss goodbye and he is gone and I am left with a warm glow and the wonderful memory of being a desirable woman wanted and desired by a gorgeously sexy virule man. Life is good again.

Becoming a fossil

2007-10-05T18:56:00.000Z

Just a quick note to say I think old age is catching up. All I do is work, come home, eat, drink a glass of red wine and go to bed! Today I even put off Mr V and can't be bothered to go out tonight! What is happening to me? Do I want to die alone and without anyone beside me? No but yet I just cannot be bothered with all the flirting and making the effort. Just bring on early nights, sunny days to do the garden and less stress. I blame the new job.

Challenges of a new job

2007-09-27T15:32:00.000Z

I'm sitting at the computer with Molly sitting in front of me. She is such a happy and attention seeking cat and everytime she feels she should have some attention she reaches out with her paw and claws you till you stroke her. I know I am feeding this inappropriate behaviour but she is so cute and funny and I love her dearly.

Work is getting more challenging. As it becomes clearer as to what my role is so it becomes more challenging as to the demands of it. For example yesterday I went to a shared partnership meeting where all I had to do was drink tea, eat biscuits and act new. I came away with one task which I am sharing with 4 other people. Everyone was lovely and it was a relaxed and pleasant way to spend the morning.
Today I arrive at Stansted expecting much the same and find that I am suddenly expected to be the fount of all knowledge and even worse to have a clear plan of what to do when the lead body seems to have done very little except oversee some painting. We're due to be designated shortly and the entrance way has not been built yet!! I've put in an emergency call to Diane but am not sure if I am panicking unduly or not. The feeling around the table was that nothing had been done.

These lead bodies seem to take the role of being lead and yet do very little about steering the project forward. Is that my role? Am I supposed to project manage all of these? I look back on Odette's notes and see that she did an awful lot of work and some of it looks very technical. Sometimes well actually a lot of times I feel way out of my depth here. The language, the terms is all new to me and I do struggle to keep up with these very clever more strategiclly minded people. I just hope I can make the leap needed. Then I tell myself that of course I can. Its a job that needs to be broken down into the simplest constituency and worked through methodically. Thats what Greg would do anyway.

Health - got a cold which is a pain
Mood - good although a bit concerned or worried about work---its a challenge
Money - okayish. Ordered tickets to LotR which cost nearly £200 but will be boys christmas presents
Weather - autumnal now
News _ Burma. Those brave people and monks. It looks horribly like its going to be a massacre. Why doesn't China say or do something and show solidarity with the rest of the world? I almost can't bare to watch or listen and almost cry when I hear of the monks sitting praying and being beaten with rifle butts.

Fossil

2007-09-24T15:51:00.000Z

...is what Jayne called me when I said I was not going out on Friday. I'd been out on Wednesday and Thursday nights and I was not enthralled by the idea of a night of standing around a night club unable to hear people and regretting the waste of money it would have cost me to be there. I didn't care what she called me but enjoyed staying in and was in bed by 9.37!!

This job is stretching my little brain to capacity plus my wavering self esteem. I don't like being new. I don't like not knowing what I am doing and I don't like not having the answers to things. People keep saying give it time but I am impatient and feel like I am being too slow.
Today all I have done is drive to Clacton and back (okay in horrible driving wind and rain conditions) but I am knackered and had to finish around 4 simply because I knew I was too tired to concentrate. Yet I was in bed by 9.30 last night! At this rate I'll be going to bed straight after tea!
Maria who started 2 weeks before me has enrolled on the Early Years Professional status course doing the fast track one as well! I don't think I could take anything else on. Is it age or am I telling myself unhelpfull things?

I was also busy over the weekend with house things. I have tackled Richard's wardrobe and got rid of loads of stuff he never wears or looks at. All his running teeshirts are in suitcases in the loft and I took a huge bag to the reclycling. For example when I got to thirty shirts I gave up counting. Lots of clothes still had price tags on all unworn! Talk about re creating his parents home!!

Also attacked the space between his bed and the wall and on top of the wardrobes and cleared out loads of junk. Found leaflets giving advice on finance 1999! A draw full of receipts all dated 2003!. Its depressing and good at the same time. I love creating the extra space and the home and bedroom feel much better for the de cluttering. Swapping rooms with Phil would not seem so daunting now or possibly even moving home! Now there is something to think about.

Health - good although very tired.
Money - good although I have spent too much. Not sure how much was pay rise or expenses but there was a lot in bank account on Saturday but not had pay slip to cheque. Have ordered new corner piece for a thousand pounds!!
Mood - good although tired.

News - Gordon Banks makes first speech to conference as PM no mention of possible election.
Weather - horrible driving wind and rain this morning but now sunny and windy.

Ho hum

2007-09-19T15:55:00.000Z

Work is gradually falling into place although the job does seem huge and today when I met for the first time all the other CCDO's I wondered where I fitted in. I also think most of them are much younger than me and although its good to be considered youthful enough to fit in with the team I also found myself feeling a mixture of awe at their knowledge and confidence when so young and slight resentment that its taken me much longer to get here. Then I tell myself I started out later and with more disadvantage of being a mature student ect.

I wonder where the Hard to reach families come into this apart from being a family that benefits from having a service and then to be honest it seems to be a service given to them rather than them being empowered to make their own decisions. But its early days yet and although I definetly do not want to forget the people and children I need to throw myself into the ethos of the place first and then take my own skills and knowledge and try to encourage a different way of working hopefully.

Had to drive to Jaywick today so that was a long and boring drive which made me sleepy,
Going to Jane's tonight for a Chinese and I am not drinking which is boring but I have a late night tomorrow night as its Christine and I's leaving do at the Axe and Compasses. I make it 16 people coming and I hope they all turn up and the thing is a success...again another night without alcohol.

I'm also not sure that I am going out on Friday. They are talking about going to the Fountain but I am really not too keen. I think it will be the same old same old and I don't know that I feel like flirting and stuff like that at the moment.

Still feeling a bit fed up with friends I guess.

Mood - still up and down although mainly up and excited about work
Money - eek I darn't look!!!

Health - very good

News - Northern Rock and possible scares about recession etc
Weather - sunny today but with a definite autumn feeling in the air.

He's back

2007-09-17T07:01:00.000Z

Richard's last day away just flew by. I cleaned the house, did some shopping and cooked a home made pasta sauce and bread and butter pudding and suddenly it was time to go and collect him. I never had time to pot the pansies or plant the bulbs for next spring.

It was a shock to find out we had to go to Luton as I had thought it was Stansted but Phil kindly agreed to be my navigator although his eye sight is terrible and he read the papers the whole way but at least he was company for me.

Then along he comes wearing a silly old Matalan blue shirt and pulling along two cases full of stuff he says he didn't even use.

We get home and he refuses to sit at the table with us and eat but instead stands close to Philip who is trying to eat and wants to show pictures on his phone. When I had ealier said about how good it was Chris being nominated to a degree by his company he starts saying how he thought about doing a degree and that Chris needs to pay him back for the loan even though Chris never misses a payment! He turns all the subjects around to him and his autistic traits come across very strongly today.

He's also constantly texting people and earlier when he got out the car he left behind a purse thing which I looked in and saw it contained lots of little notes so he's obviously been seeing someone whether its the wonderful Wendy or another I don;t care but what I do care about is his horrible mess and muddle all over the house again Grrrrrr!

Met Mr V for a quicky although to be honest I was tempted to pretend I had not seen the message although I did enjoy when I was there. He can make me feel so good.

Have not contacted either Jayne or Lorraine and got a phone message from Jayne asking how I was and I could tell from her voice she knew something was up. Time for me to stop being silly now. I';ve lost friends before when I have sulked and regretted it and I don't want to do that again.

Stunned Mrs Blackbird

2007-09-15T09:48:00.000Z

Just heard a thud against the sitting room window and when I went to investigate outside I could see Molly trying to peer in to a box and old washing up bowl that had been put out for the rubbish. When I peered in rather gingerly I could see the upturned legs and tummy of probably a female black bird. I didn't want to see if it was 'The Mrs Blackbird' I had seen her the other day just resting on a post and thought how tired she looked then. It would be too sad if it were her.

I guessed she'd flown into window and stunned herself. As I carefully at arms length carried the bowl down the garden I could feel her start to move and as I tipped the bowl over the fence at the end I heard her scrabble about. I am just hoping and praying she has recovered and flown away before one of the many cats catch her. I've trapped my own two in here and locked them in much to there dissapointment. Molly is dying to get out and investigate some more. Bruce wasn't sure what was happening but knew something had and two of next doors cats were prowling around. Oooh I am all shaky.

I was going to write about how dissapointed I felt in my friends just lately. Niether Jayne or Lorraine seem aware of what is happening for me with regards to my job. If it were either of them I would be asking how they are feeling about the changes? How does it feel to go to a new strange environment with no support and start to try to make a good impression. To have to try to work out what this job is is difficult and I know no one in the organisation and am doing it alone.

I think Jayne who never does anything alone could have thought how it might feel for me? And Lorraine who I have barely seen does not seem interested. I tried twice last night to explain how surreal and strange it feels to suddenly be in a position where people are coming to me for support in an area of expertise that is not mine. Suddenly I have this local strategic role of authority and I think how can this be? How can this little girl from South London have got to be someone that other people turn to professionally? When did this happen and can I do this? Can I give people the support and help that the role involves? I wanted to tell Lorraine and Jayne that each day I get up and go somewhere new its all a bit scary and I have to do it alone.
When Jayne joined Behaviour support I was there and so was Jackie. When Jackie joined I was there but whenever I go somewhere I do it alone and sometimes it gets a bit lonely.

I think people think I am okay and so don't bother to look below the surface and think she looks okay but what does it take to look okay? They just look at the surface and don't question and when I try to say and no one listens to below the surface, no one asks what I am really saying when I try to open a conversation about surreal situations in work, thats when it hurts. So after trying twice I gave up and while Jayne was relaying yet another long story about her family I went and washed up and took the washing upstairs past them on the sofa. They must have got the message because when I came down they were both on the phone arranging to go home.

I probably won't say anything because it all sounds pathetic and attention seeking and the story didn't even matter. I just want someone to notice that its actually taking a lot of my emotional energy to do what I am doing. I have to steel myself to go in to work although I am enjoying it its all a bit scary...some recognition of that from people who are supposed to be your good friends would be good.

Mr V texted as they left asking where I was and that he was at the Railway feeling very horny. This is good as it means he has not met anyone else and I know that loads of women would have been trying to chat him up etc and yet he turns to this dumpy older woman...yipppppeeee.

Richard comes home tomorrow and my 10 days or so of freedom come to an end...its been lovely.

Health - good although hungover today

Mood - strange - up and down which is to be expected really. Great that Richard is away.

Money - all going a bit Pete Tong due to Phil's birthday and leaving old job and starting new one...lots of lunches and meals

News - Northern Rock having an overdraft facility and people panicky taking out life savings.

Weather is gorgeously sunny and beautiful late summer early autumn day.

Feeling happy

2007-09-12T19:01:00.000Z

I've so enjoyed Richard being away this year and I would love it to just go on and on and on. When it was Phil's birthday and I went out for a meal with the boys it was lovely just the three of us. No rows, no stresses and I felt so proud of them both, gorgeously tall handsome young men and all my own work...I glowed with pride. When I tipsley fell into bed that night I thought to myself how happy I was. Exciting new job full of challenges and excitement, more money, good friends, beautiful sons, health etct etc and I thought just how happy I was at that moment and how I didn't need anything else.

This good feeling continued onto Tuesday where Denise and I met with Alex who gave us the belated welcome speech and was able to answer questions. She so enthused and inspired me that I felt I wanted to jump up and start the work now, only to feel frustrated at my lack of knowledge. Still it will come and I really hope I can rise to the challenge set for me.

Met Peter H for lunch and once again the time just whizzed by while we chatted. There is something between us and I'm not sure what it is. I love him as a friend but not sure I could ever be sexually attracted to him but know I could spend ages with him just enjoying his company. He says he won't be contacting Jane again as they had nothing in common and that intellectually they just don't connect. In one way I am sad for him and her but in another I am glad he is still my special friend..how selfish of me.

Chris phoned me today and says he has been nominated to go on a foundation degree course at Sunderland university! I am so proud of that man. All his potential that everyone identified from health visitor to teachers is coming out now. It will be tough doing the degree and working but he is young and can do it if he puts his mind to it.

Just need my Phil to get motivated on something now.

Jayne says Mark has given up yet another job!! She was already panicking over credit card bills etc. The girls have rallied round and loaned or given her money to which I am not majorly impressed as they shouldn't have taken so much off her in the first place! Still must bite my tongue. I wonder how she will cope financially really.

News - McCanns the suspects and all the British press are implying the Porteguse police to be incompetent.

Health - very good although tired.

Mood - very good although frustrated at work by IT and the desire to get started on proper work.

Money - ooops have spent too much on Phil and other stuff so going over drawn.
Weather has been lovely and sunny and warm a nice autumn

End of first week as a CCDO

2007-09-07T16:37:00.000Z

So ends my first week in my new job and I am knackered. Today I have had so much information given to me that at about 12.30ish my brain reached saturation point and I was very glad when at last we stopped for something to eat.

I've been round the two centres in Harlow today and met all the staff, seen my desk and made appointments to have closer chats to people next week so its been very productive. Its still hard to see where my role begins and ends in conjunction with other people's. All this is a steep learning curve and I am way out of my comfort zone but so far everyone has been extremely supportive and saying there is no pressure which is great but there is a part of me that longs for and looks forward to knowing what I am doing and actually doing something. I must be patient because it will come and I will soon be zinging around producing stuff...hopefully.

The other reasons I'm probably tired is I had Jayne, Linda and Janet round for dinner last night which gave me a chance to use my new tablewear. Producing a complicated meal and pudding and then entertaining people is a strain however enjoyable and especially in the week. However it all seemed to go well, so well they didn't leave till about 11.30 ish. Janet had some sad news about her friends who had died in a light aircraft only the day after spending a day with Janet and her family. Shocking.

Another reason is still feeling the physical after effects of Mr V's visit. My legs feel like they have been stretched apart during some intense aerobic workout which I suppose they were but without the benefit of a warm up or cool down...oh well it was fun.

Now its the weekend and I want to do some gardening and potter about. I'm not going out tonight which is great and might have some wine and watch a film with Phil if he is staying in otherwise I'll just catch up with tv and go to bed nice and early...sad? Nope not a bit of it.

News - Pavorotti died yesterday so his voice was all over the airways but today the shocking news is that Maddeline McCann's mother has been named as a suspect.

Weather has been lovely and hot and sunny.

Health - excellent

Mood - excellent

Money ---ooh a bit tight got over two weeks to go on just about £200 which is a bit scary.

Today life is perfect.

2007-09-06T07:34:00.000Z

Its about 7.45 am and I'm sitting in the garden. There is a mug of hot water, lemon and ginger half drunk beside me. A warm vibrating grey cat nestling into my arms and in the distance the far off hum of traffic. Its one of those moments, those rare moments when everything feels perfect. Oh you know not to analyse or look at it too deeply or you will see the imperfections and the lacks etc but at that moment all was perfect.

The weather was just right. The sun was just starting to touch the garden with all the promise of a lovely hot day ahead but where I am sitting it is just right. Cool and pleasant with a very gentle breeze that I can feel playfully touching my bare skin on my ankles or face.

The birds are visiting the garden and they seem to take turns at the tables. There are the wood pigeons that now are often accompanied rather worryingly by some ordinairy pigeons and a little gang of starlings turned up but as there was only fruit on the table they went away without alerting the bigger gang or group.
Two young blackbirds are hopping rather fast around the garden. I wonder if they are the offspring of Mr and Mrs Blackbird, her with the little hump on her back. The male coat looks very new and he does not have the swagger or confidence of the older male blackbird that normally comes down and moves around the garden very quickly. I hope they are cat aware!
A robin tells us he is on his way with his series of clicks that sound a bit like some mini castanets and when he arrives he looks so dapper in his grey breeches and red waistcoat almost like he has come from some old childrens story book. His perky up right attitude seems to say he has something of importance to annouce but but flies off again without sharing it with me.

I sit there and feel utterly content. Philip has just come home from a wierd night in London which sounded like a scene from the night of the zombies with crack addicts harrasing them all over town but he is home and safe now, tucking into a additive and colouring filled breakfast and soon to go to bed.
Richard is away in Italy and so the house is mine and I love it.
I have an exciting new job and luckily for me am working at home today ...I think this week is the week before the real work kicks in and I'm enjoying the luxury of being new and people not having any expectations of me at the moment.

Tonight I have friends coming round for a meal that I will be cooking and we will laugh and share stories and I will feel rich in friendships and joy.

To put the icing on the cake I can feel the aches and throbs where my gorgeous Mr V has been only last night when we fucked and made love...yes at last a touch of gentleness from this very strong man. I love it when he looks into my eyes and kisses me.

Yes today life is sooooo very very goood.

Parcleline and cleaning

2007-08-29T10:50:00.000Z

Grrrr I am so bloody cross with Parcel Line. See below for history and reason for annoyance

Parcel Line
Complaint

Telephone numbers 08459 300 100

Sequence of events

Consignment Details
ConsignmentNumber
Date Sent
SendersReference
Service
No ofParcels
Post Code
Status
20 Aug 2007
Next Day
1
CM19
Held by depot

Tracking History

Date
Time
Location
No of Parcels
Status
29 Aug 2007
02:13
Chelmsford
1
Held by depot
28 Aug 2007
05:51
Chelmsford
1
Held by depot
24 Aug 2007
05:11
Chelmsford
1
Held by depot
23 Aug 2007
05:47
Chelmsford
1
Held by depot
22 Aug 2007
12:42
Chelmsford
1
Unable to deliver, calling card left
22 Aug 2007
08:34
Chelmsford
1
On vehicle for delivery, using Saturn
21 Aug 2007
11:26
Chelmsford
1
Unable to deliver, calling card left
21 Aug 2007
08:11
Chelmsford
1
On vehicle for delivery, using Saturn
21 Aug 2007
05:15
Chelmsford
1
Security check
20 Aug 2007
23:44
Birmingham Hub
1
Confirmed On Trailer
20 Aug 2007
22:56
Birmingham Hub
1
Forwarded to Chelmsford
20 Aug 2007

Leicester
1
Collected from sender

Tuesday 21st calling card left as unable to deliver.
Wednesday 22nd I telephoned early morning and arranged for delivery on Thursday 23rd via automated system

Thursday 23rd No delivery. Waited in all day and telephoned after 7.30 using automated system for parcel to be delilvered on Tuesday 28th. This was confirmed on automated system.

Tuesday 28th No delivery and when looking at on line tracking I could see that it was not on a van but held at the depot still.
I telephoned and first person said system was down could I call back. When I said I wanted him to check whether my parcel was on a van he asked me to hold while he telephoned the depot. I was then cut off.

I telephoned again and spoke to Anit Chouhan who also asked me to hold while he telephoned the depot. He came back and assured me that the van was being loaded as we spoke and that my parcel would be delivered today. I asked for assurances that this would happen as I had an appointment at 4 pm and if the parcel was not coming I could make my appointment. He said the parcel would definitely be delivered this day. Parcel did not arrive!!!!

Wednesday 29th telephoned again and spoke to Yasin who did try to be helpful. He also telephoned the depot but this time did call me back. The automated system should not have made appointment for delivery on Tuesday as it followed a bank holiday. He confirmed that Anit should not have said it was on the van when quite clearly it was not. He could not arrange for the parcel to be delivered today and when I asked who else I could talk to he suggested the manager Liz Marrow who was not in until 10.45. Unfortunately Yasin was leaving before she arrives but could leave a note on her desk asking her to call me.

11.18 telephoned to speak to Liz got disconnected after being placed on hold
Redialled and kept on hold was assured that Liz would telephone me after she had been in a meeting.

So here I am sitting around waiting for the mighty Liz to call and by the time she does call it will be well too late to send the parcel out to me and the earliest I'll be in to receive it will be Saturday. I'm going to ask for the name and address of her boss so I can send a letter of complaint. Or I might just look up the directors name on line and send it anyway.

On another note I have been going a bit mad with the cleaning again. I wonder if I am stressed about the new job as the last time I went mad with cleaning and used the Shiny Sink stuff was when my Dad was dying. Anyway the kitchen looks lovely and gives me a very good feeling when I go into it. I really must keep this up this time. I want a clean clutter free house which is difficult with Richard but this time I am determined. This is my calling.

Not heard anything from Mr V and I suspect he is now back at work because all messages got straight to him even one at 12 midnight so he is obviously somewhere that she is not. Anyway can't be arsed to be bothered as he'll be back sometime.

Lizzie's baby was born and it was a little girl, Grace which is a lovely name. Apparently all went well and doing fine which is excellent news...ahhh.

Right off to do front garden now a thing I put off and dread but I suspect like cleaning will be satisfying when I've done it.

Oh by the way the washing machine is seriously playing up and I suspect its the pipes being blocked but won't know till Richard can get out there with a bit of old wire coathanger.

A postscript

2007-08-28T08:48:00.000Z

As an added postscript to last post which went a bit introspective I just wanted to add a few things.

Generally the weekend went well so far as getting things done. Even went for a power walk yesterday which is good and cleaned fridge and larder. Now want nice things to go in kitchen such as new table wear and kettle and toaster to match not horrible cheapy stuff. I am fed up with cheap stuff and want nice quality things for the first time in my life.
Just spent ages on Royal Doulton site only to find all I wanted has been sold out..very dissapointing but on the other hand will save me a fortune.

Might do gardens and especially the front one today. Its a horrible mess and I have to be in to wait for Phil's phone yet again. I really hope it arrives today otherwise its a pain. Also got hair cut booked for 3.30 so it had better arrive before that.

I've been waking early but going to bed and sleep really early as well mainly because I have nothing to do which isn't good although I have been reading lots and just finished Half and Yellow sun which was brilliant and even got me dreaming of starvation. Now reading Paula by Roddy Doyal and find myself thinking with and Irish accent!!

Roight off to sort mesel out.

Mood - okay- generally good but a bit introspective

Health - excellent thank the lord

Money - yea still good although have large egg bill to pay on the 18th so not so good ahead.

Weather - hazy at the moment but looks like its gonna be a hot one hopefully.

News - fires in Greece - very sad a mother and 4 children trying to escape the fire got killed along with about 70 others.

Mothers and relationships

2007-08-28T08:39:00.000Z

They've all gone to work and I have the house deliciously to myself. I do like the quiet solitude but I also like the fact that Phil will be home later. These days are numbered now and I will really miss him when he eventually moves away especially if he will be like Chris who only pops round very occassionally.

I think he only pops round occasionally because he is incredibly busy what with work and travelling up and down to Brighton every week. On the one hand he does seem very family orientated and does go to the pictures with Phil and Richard frequently and I often hear him phoning them to talk about different things. Only this weekend he went to the New Forest and called in to see his Nan and spent the day with Lisa and Chris. I suppose I miss him though. Its not like when he was little or even a teenager living here although I mustn't look at that through rose coloured glasses he could be incredibly hard work and I do think there were times when I was not the best of mothers although I did start with incredibly good intentions.
I was going to be the best mum in the world. I would not shout or be bad tempered and my children could have friends round and I wouldn't put off playing with them because the floor needed washing..in other words I was not going to be like my own mum.
However I know I made my own mistakes. I didn't always understand poor little Chris who seemed so demanding and unable to please. When he was little he just whined and grizzled and it didn't seem to matter what I did. I wonder if I could have done things differently? I wonder how another mother might have been better with him. I wonder why Phil was so much easier? Was it me? I rather suspect it might have been which makes me feel guilty for failing this little baby, boy, teenager all over again.

On the positive side I know he loves me although he also gets cross with my failings but then we are a family and its okay to get cross, I just don't want him or Phil to feel about me like I feel about my own Mum.

This last year and her sorrow and grief has not brought out the best in me. When she is lonely all I can think is that now she knows how it feels to be lonely, to be alone, to need to hear the voice of someone and yet that someone is not there. She abandoned me when I needed support and although its taken over twenty years I now have a sweet vengence and actually the taste makes me feel sick and sticks in my throat.

A productive day

2007-08-27T07:07:00.000Z

Had a very productive day yesterday afterall. I sorted out all the kitchen cupboards and threw away a good couple of bags of rubbish, found loads of bottles of suntan cream, now all neatly stacked together and some extension leads. I also realised that I seem to have a fetish for buying cleaning products and have mulitiple amounts of the various cleaning stuff and yet I say I hate housework and would rather spend the time on a good book...and yet today I feel a big sense of pride when I look at my nice minimal clean and tidy kitchen. I need to clean the kitchen lights and doors now as well as above the cooker.

I intend to repot plants in the garden though especially the aspidestra which I reckon must be about a hundred years old. It used to belong to my grandmother and I reckon she didn't get it from new herself...so how about that for an heirloom?

Chris and Fiona met Lisa and family and went for a walk and when I text last night were sitting in the garden after having dinner so it sounds like they had a good time which is excellent news.

Phil went out for a quick drink last night saying he wanted dinner, phoned me about half six and said he would be later and hasn't come home at all...hope he is okay. I tell myself not to worry and that he is probably at a friends or even a girls but you do worry because you hear such horrible things that can happen to lads.

Have been waking up early again although not the half five jobbies of earlier this summer and so been getting tired earlier and going to bed and sleep about half ten. I do like waking early and sitting downstairs with the cats, mainly Molly who paws at me till I allow her on my lap where she cuddles right into me while I try and eat breakfast, read the papers and listen for the birds in the garden. The blackbirds are all quiet now but you can hear the gentle chirping of the sparrows. The starlings seem to be taking over our little world and if you look up into the sky you can see their groups merging and swarming together and doing that amazing areial acrobatics albeit on a smaller scale to that I've seen on tv. I hope the group grows bigger still and we can really see some displays and I do hope no one gets all uppity about them and starts trying to get rid of them.

Weather - a bit hazy at the moment but supposed to be nice today albeit a bit more cloudy

Money - not checked but not spent much this weekend

Health - very good although a bit stiff from lack of exercise must do more than note this must get out and do some proper walking or even running!

Mood - very good - see housework can be good for you.

News - still gangs and Rhys and soldiers being killed by American 'friendly fire'!!

Book - half a yellow sun. Really enjoying this although enjoy is not really the word as I had dreams about starvation last night.

Feeling guilty about Mum

2007-08-26T09:37:00.000Z

I put the phone down to Mum feeling very sad and guilty. She had had a horrible birthday with Chris and Fiona arriving late, she put off cooking her stupid chicken pie and told them she was going to bingo with Mary so they left at 6.30 and when she got down there she found Mary had forgotten her and so had to return to an empty house with no dinner. She did break down then and I did feel for her. How her life has changed in a year. She has gone from being the centre of someone's world to being on the outskirts of other people's lives. She is in a hard place at the moment but its only her who can make the changes needed and its just a shame she didn't think about this kind of thing before. She should have appreciated people before hand. A salutory lesson on how not to be.

Christian told me off when he phoned later and I just hope that he doesn't treat me like I treat her. He doesn't understand the hurt that still is in my heart when I think back. I'd like to get rid of those feelings now but find it impossible.

Spent a day sitting around in the garden readin an excellent book Half a yellow sun' all about Nigeria and Biafra and the real human misery it cost to a family. Very good reading.

Want to get on and do some cupboard sorting today rather than wasting so much time eating and just getting fat.
Had a conversation with next door Jackie about Daniel and Sophie---trouble abrewing for them and it alll looks so good and idyllic on the surface which just goes to show.

Health - very good
Money - okay cos just got paid
Mood - a bit bored- fed up with house but not motivated or not got enough money to do much about it.

News - continued about Rhys and gangs

Weather sunny with clouds - feels fresher today so looks like our brief sunny day is over already.

Christine's last day

2007-08-25T07:08:00.001Z

Christine's last day arrives. I spent ages trying to find a candle with starfish inside it and in the end gave up and bought a blue one that reminded me of the sea instead. I wanted the starfish to go with the words on the card and did seriously consider giving her my starfish from Aurora but decided against it in the end. That particular starfish had not been rescued and it meant alot to me probably more than it would mean to Christine. Anyway I think she appreciated the words and sentiments. The card from everyone had lovely words and messages inside and Sally had got her a lovely picture with lovely words and her own message talked about Christine being a 'mother' to her.

A very emotional day. The end of an era. I'm sure Christine will do well in her new post as she takes her people skills and her genuine care for people with her. I'll miss the regular contact with her thats for sure.

I did get a nice email from a soon to be colleague welcoming me to the new team so that was nice. Just a week to go and I'll be leaving RJFGC myself. Its a strange time this time between jobs. I have nothing to do in this role now and its a waste of time just sitting around. I should be motiviated into doing lots of jobs at home but I'm not really. Would be good to have some money to do something to the house or better still get someone else to do something.

Got cross with my mum today as Chris and Fiona were travelling down to see her after they had set up their camp and had got delayed in traffic. She put on her 'martyr' voice when I called and said she couldn't go out to dinner with them as she had a chicken pie to eat. I just get so angry when I speak to her, I went and bought twice as much wine as I had planned to and let off with a scream of frustration in the office, resulting in a cuddle from Christine and telling me to breathe.

Later got a message from Karen to say she was going to be early as she felt ill which then gave me the green light to call off the trip to Southampton. I cited traffic and Karen feeling poorly and that it would be a shame for Karen to miss it but the reality is that I am pleased not to have to be going down there and wouldn't ever miss going there again if it were not for contact with Lisa.

As for Mr V...he seems firmly back on track once again, texting me from Turkey and even phoning this morning. He doesn't seem to get bored. On the other hand I am wondering why I do this as he obviously does not care one jot about me as a person...but then I remember why...its cos the sex is so good.

So a bank holiday weekend looms and the weather is supposed to be good. I now rather unexpectedly have time on my hands and so what to do with it. I would like to go and order some nice furniture for the sitting room but have no real money to do this and can't get into further debt really. I could do either the front or back garden or do some of the thousand jobs that need looking at around the house. Or I could sit in the garden and read my book. Wonder which of those it will be?

Health - good although a bit stiff from lack of exercise

Money - just got paid so okayish but must be more careful. I've spent too much lately on leaving meals and stuff and clothes.

Mood - nervous and a bit tense from leaving and apprehensive of new job and new direction etc

News - poor little Rhys who was shot in Liverpool- only 11 - lots of politicians talking about gang culture and morality and the same old stuff without any clear ideas of what to do really. Are we all as a nation so fragmented and damaged our children are now killing each other?

Weather - at long last we have some sunshine and apparently it is supposed to be hot here.

Views from the windows

2007-08-20T09:04:00.000Z

Its so bloody cold for this time of the year you would think its more like November than August. Last night we had gale force winds and rain lashing up against the windows while we sat all cosy in doors watching a dvd...the glorious Davinci code...what a load of tosh. I'm glad I gave up on the book and would never have paid to go see the film...complete and utter tosh.

Today I sat at the dining room table and drank my hot water and lemon whilst looking out into the garden. I opened the window slightly so I could hear the garden sounds which consisted of far away slightly muffled traffic, a screaming out of its normal route Ryan air plane coming into land at Stansted. It may have been low cloud and visibility made it swerve from normal route where we can see them in the distance but they rarely bother us and lots of little bird song and sound.

Now the blackbirds have finished singing for the year the garden is quiet apart from the collar doves, the sparrows and the occasional crow or seagull passing. Even the chaffinch is quiet and I would love to hear a wren but don't think we have one near us. We do have the robins who sort of click to each other and the blackbirds do their strange clicking calling or warning to each other.

Our little family of blackbirds still seem to be feeding young. It seems a bit late but Mrs Blackbird, she with the little hunch of feathers on her upper back and Mr bushy blackbirds are busy fetching loads of worms to something in their nest. Is it some disabled baby that cannot grow and leave or have they had a late family? Its a bit worrying as it means potential danger re the cats and I was hoping that part of the year was over. Anyway there they are popping back and forth and calling to each other when they change places. It all looks very much like hard work to me.

The garden is very green and lush at the moment as a result of all the rain we've had. Everything is growing very fast and even though last week I spent ages pruning its all going to need it again at this rate.

My bird tables are looking a bit sad as well especially the one Chris bought me. The wood pigeons have knocked it over so many times the wood is all coming undone now and I don't think it will last much longer.

If I look up I can see the big flats overshadowing us all. From my bedroom I can see their balconies and presumably they can look down on me. I preferred it when the tree obscured that view and we could pretend we were in the countryside but can't do that anymore.

Out the front window I can see our little street with the different houses. Things have changed since we moved here 24 years ago. Then we were the youngest with our little family and most of the people in our street were much older. There was the man who had the moterised wheelchair which was unusual in those days. He'd sit on it with his beret on and his big coat and a blanket and his little dog would ride beside him. I always wanted to speak to him but was too shy and anyway saw him have a go at someone once so I think he was a bit miserable. Used to hear him play his Hammond organ.

There was Anne and Arthur who loved their garden and she would even polish her brass door step. They took such care of their garden and I remember them planting a rose out the front. All that is lost now amongst the weeds and overgrown grass and even the rubbish that the girl out their doesn';t bother with. Its a shame and I am glad Anne and Arthur can't see it.

Gradually people have moved out and younger people moved in and now we're probably in the older age group ourselves. I wonder if this will be my permanent view now? Will I ever move out and go somewhere fresh and new? Do I really want to as I get the feeling if I did I would really make it happen. Perhaps I like the famililarity of it all after all. Perhaps seeing the sea would be alien and uncomfortable for me and what I need is this urban comfort zone.

Liam

2007-08-18T11:12:00.001Z

Standing in a pub last night a lovely looking young bloke came up to me and said hello using my name. I didn't think I knew him until he reminded me of something that happened 12 years ago.At that time I was working as a teaching assistant in an infant school. We had come back after the summer holidays to be told that a little boy Alan (I've changed names) had been diagnosed with cancer in his leg he was only six. It sort of became my role to give Alan as much support as he needed to enable him to continue at school while he underwent his treatment.As a team all of the staff became very involved in trying to support Alan and his family. We tried to get as much information as possible and liaised with all the medical professionals as well. When Alan had stays in hospital we would send taped messages from the rest of his classmates with lots of pictures and stuff and a couple of times we made the trip to Great Ormond Street to visit him.Now Alan had a best friend a little boy called Luke (name changed again) and Luke was so loyal to Alan. As Alan's condition changed and he became wheel chair bound Luke would fiercly guard Alan and make sure that no one said or did anything to hurt Alan. He would push Alan around as much as he was able to and gave up his lunch times and playtimes to sit with Alan when he felt he couldn't go into the crowded playground. Luke was such a loyal friend for such a little boy he took on a huge responsibility and of course we needed to look after Luke as well.Luke's own behavour changed he started to become an angry little boy suddenly having huge tantrums and I spent many a time sitting with Luke reading books like Angry Arthur and finding ways to help Luke with his own anger which was perfectly understandable. We made little Angry Arthur cards that Luke could use to show he was feeling stressed and we'd rescue Luke and go off for a chat. During one of our chats Luke said he was worried that because he had kicked Alan the previous year it was his fault that Alan now had cancer. He was six and was trying to make sense of this horrible disease that was taking over and slowly or actually quite quickly killing his best friend.Alan died just after his seventh birthday and we all grieved for him and then we moved on like you do.Luke was that gorgeous young man and he recognised me, told me I had not changed a bit apart from longer hair but what really made my night, my week, my month ...was that he said what a difference I had made for him during that difficult time. He said I had been his rock and that he would never forget how we had supported him. He even remembered the Angry Arthur cards!I was so dead chuffed and pleased and even now I feel emotional because Luke took the time to come and approach me to say thank you.

Insomnia

2007-08-17T09:45:00.000Z

I had a terrible nights sleep last night. I'd had a good day at work, finishing off training stuff ready to hand over to Greg and Sally and I felt I had done a good job in making sure everything was up to date for them. Left work about 4ish as I literally have nothing left to do now and found a ticket on my windscreen saying I had no up to date tax disc displayed and sure enough it was right! But how comes? I remember the new disc arriving because it was a second one after I had lost the first and I rushed out to the car and put it in straight away...so where has it gone? Its a mystery and its going to be an expensive mystery as I am now bound to get a fine.

Luckily I remebered where the other disc was and came home, found it and put it in the windscreen but oh what a bloody pain.

Had a pleasant evening with Phil, drinking wine, watching a race to the pole with top gear and then retired to watch telly in bed. Felt tired and went to sleep about 9.30 which may have been a mistake as I woke about 12.30 and just could not get back to sleep for hours. I saw each hour in and each hour out up to at least 4 am!

I would drift off to sleep and wake up hot and uncomfortable with my head getting tighter and tighter like someone is screwing a vice around my head. Is this tension or stress or related to my period? Either way I woke up this morning feeling horrible and still have horrible stressy tension headache now.

Not even pretending to work today have just spent an hour on Sims and have to get ready to meet Karen at 12. I've decided to be nice and just give her the bloody stuff and have done with it. Be the bigger person. If necessary I'll buy Phil and new jumper today and say get stuff Karen. But maybe she will have asked Jade and I'll be eating my words.

Got to meet Jayne today and we are supposed to be going out tonight. She has been busy all week decorating and equiping Justine's new flat. She is a lucky girl getting all that kind of help from Jayne, I wish I had got it myself. Could do with it all now to be honest.

God I am so tired

Mood - tired and a bit sad re work

Health - good but feel horrible today due to tiredness and stress

Money - still in the black but getting close now

News - the stock exchange is having problems and the Tories want to abolish inheritance tax...this could appeal to lots of people as it affects even those with small properties.
Weather a bit cloudy and not too hot

Emails and jumper wars

2007-08-16T07:33:00.000Z

Going into work was the right thing to do and after a busy day of clearing out old junk, sorting through old paperwork and training stuff and chatting to Christine and Sally and trying to ignore irriatating but well meaning Dorrie I felt heaps better. My period started as well which also accounted for some of the horrible feelings of the day before.

I also sent this email

Actually you know I am the one who should be feeling aggrieved more than you. We never had the kind of relationship where the other could put on demands or have expectations. Which is why I never took it for granted that you wanted to see me unless you specifically said. That is not to say that I was not pleased to see you because you know that I was always very very pleased to see you. However this arrangement meant that we both needed to be ok when the other said they couldn't or didn't want to make it. This seemed to suit both of us fine until Sunday. This also meant that I was not going to sit in a vacum just in case you wanted to see me which meant that on that Sunday after I didn't hear from you I just got on with my own life which included having a few drinks with the friends that I was staying with.When you suddenly said to come down it was just not possible for several reasons, the biggest of which was that I had been drinking.Normally you would have accepted this in your normal philosophical way...one of the things I really like about you is that you don't make demands and you are accepting without making a big drama of things. I don't know why this changed for you on that Sunday but it obviously did...shame as I liked our arrangement..it has worked very well for over a year. Anyway you have obviously decided not to talk to me now which is something I hate and in order not to keep hassling you I've deleted your number from my phone..however I found this email address and felt that I should tell you how I feel...you may not even read this but just delete it all instead but anyway I feel better for having said it so there. (me being childish now) Whatever...the main thing is that we did have a good time. I do have very fond memories of you and whatever I won't betray your trust. If its over so be it and I wish you well. I will always think of you with a smile and a warm feeling down below. Take care of yourself and your family Gillx

and felt much better for doing so. It meant I told him how I felt exactly and that its all cool if he wants to finish...although of course I am hoping he won't want to but if he does then I'll respect that. I'd rather finish with us still wanting each other and the sex being good than descending into rows and arguments. Anyway sent it off and felt good until about 4 this morning when I woke in a hot flash...keep saying that instead of flush, thinking I had sent a copy of this email to a bulletin board with a similar email address. Kept imagining everyone reading this email and how public it would be but have checked and its cool its gone to his email ok. So far no reply not that I expect one although he might text and ask me what rubbish I have sent or he might just ignore...only time will tell. He goes on holiday this week so don't expect to hear from him anyway.

Robo goes on holiday today and I sent him a text last night to wish him well and he replied his thanks and also he was so glad I remembered. Ahhh he can be such a vulnerable sweetie and wears his heart much more on his sleeve than his best mate. I like Robo as a friend he's good.

Spoke to Lisa last night and it seems the jumper/spider catcher war has reached Southamton with Karen relaying everylast detail to mum and proves my suspiscion was right. Now how to play this? I am tempted if she has done nothing with Jade to say its okay I'll take the spider catcher back to mums and you and her can sort it out together. Or give her all her stuff and not invite her to Mum's next week or I could be the generous and kind one and give her the stuff, invite her to mums and just wallow in a smug self satisfied arn't I the good one and dont worry Karen I'll get you back, kind of feelings. The more I think of it the more the latter sounds appealing. Karen can stay at mums and keep her company and I can go to Lisa's and have a good guilt free time. Plus I get all the brownie points for not being petty...even though in my heart I am. Also not offering to take her to mums means another possible 6 year non speaking to Karen again...believe me this sounds very appealing.

All this sounds horrible and Karen has mellowed but she is hard work sometimes see jumper.

Didn't really sit much and contemplate today. I got thinking I spend a lot of time on my own and in my own thoughts and need to be more social not less.

Weather seems sunny today after rain and wind of yesterday

Health - very good
Mood - better although slightly cynical and cross - could be period
News - surprise surprse -all about anti social behavoiur and stories of people who have challenged teenagers being killed- seems we have an epidemic of them.
Money - still in the black with only a week to go till pay day..I am being a good girl!

Early morning breakfast

2007-08-15T05:47:00.000Z

I wake up about 5.30 and first off feel good and positive and then remember and feel immediately pissed off. God I was in a foul mood all day yesterday. Not motivated to do anything except play on Sims apart from going out to lunch with the girlies and my foul mood making all bitchy and nasty. Resentful of other peoples good fortune and hating myself for being like it. Must pull myself together and behave better today, I'll probably go into the office at least that will keep me busy.

Anyway make myself a breakfast and sit by the window as its a grey drizzly day there is no sitting in the garden today but from the table I can see out to the bird tables. Its a good start to the day. Molly sits on my newspapers and spreads herself out for a good wash and I can hear above the hum of the washing machine the clicking whisper of the robin so I know he is around. Mr Blackbird emerges from the sterile nest that he and Mrs Blackbird have been sitting on for weeks now, fetching bits of food for each other or some disabled chick? (It seems a bit of a long time for there to be any lively chicks emerging, perhaps blackbirds like sitting in nests?). A couple of collared doves feed from the tables which are covered first thing in snails. They are all up the bird feeders as well which must be an obstacle for the sparrows and it seems that not only am I feeding birds but also the snails which is not so good for the garden...lets hope there is no rats benefiting from the expensive bird food I buy every week.

And talking of rats I've decided to send him one last message telling him that we never had the kind of relationship that had expectations or where we could make demands and the fact that he demanded I drive my car to meet him at short notice when I had been drinking is wrong and that I am the one who is aggrieved and not him!

Weather - grey, drizzly

Health - very good although getting much too fat

Mood - pissed off big time

Money - still in the black so hurrah for me

News - dont know really too depressed yesterday to take any notice

My message for myself today is to bloody get myself sorted out, I've had a wallow and now its time to get on with life once again.

2007-08-14T08:29:00.001Z

Here I am again. We've never really rowed before so this time it feels different and definite. To think that he was demanding I drive when I said I was over the limit really is not on and then to sulk and say it was now or nevere...well we all know I am better off without that kind of person in my life...but we all know that I'll miss him and his exciting and naughty ways as well.

I don't regret turning him down though no matter what the outcome. I need to know I do have some resolve and backbone and can say No when it matters.

Although I have now told him no more games and goodbye in my heart I know he'll be back although god knows how long it will take and if I am wrong and he never comes back then I'll be over it before then anyway.

Catch up ...Holidays, new job and fleas

2007-07-26T09:16:00.000Z

Well here I am at the tail end of July and things have changed. I have a starting date for a new job. Its all happened very quickly with my applying and being successful in my application for a Children's Community Development Officer. There were apparently 97 applicants and 4 posts and considering how quickly I bashed off the application and breezed through the interview I am very lucky. Now comes the hard work of convincing them I am more than a bluff. Its exciting and scary and I really don't know what the work will be and if I'll be able to do it but I know I am now looking forward to the challenge.
Its funny because if funding had not been the issue I would have been happy to continue in my present post doing this work for ever. Its always different and I have the lucky option of working from home complete with company car so what could be better...except this is nearer to home and yet workign within a team, hopefully I'll keep my car, more money and promotion and the possiblity of further promotion in the future. Things are looking up.
Its terribly sad about RJFGC but now I am settled I am less unhappy and can already look back with just happy memories and a feeling of having been part of something exciting and meaningful. We made a lot of lives better for a lot of families.
Love life is good with Mr V still around and still wanting me. Only yesterday he was pestering me to drive all the way to Wales for one night, he only stopped when I suggested he drive back here instead. Oooh he still turns me on and I shall look forward to this weekend as I am bound to see him however quick it will be.
Just said once again goodbye to Mr Tumnus. I met him for a coffee when sober and he is an attractive man but I think he is also a bit of a fantastist and was telling me all these stories of his life which sounded vaguely untrue or unbelievable. Either he was trying to impress or he really believes such rubbish or its all true but either way I found myself feeling bored rather than excited or turned on. The following weeks with talk of sex and naked bodies just scared me and I sent him a nice but firm this is the end and I don't do casual sex type of email...after all one relationship like that is more than enough for me and Mr V fits that role nicely thank you and he doens't seem to mind my increasingly flabby body which is good for me.
Home needs things doing to it and thats my new resolution to tidy it up and get it sorted out better. I really want to buy a comfortable sofa as the ones we have are so uncomfortable I end up going to bed really early just to relax and watch tv.

Phil is this week looking after Chris flat while he is in Ibiza so all is well there.

Money is just about okayish but hopefully with new job will get better. I have to keep a handle on finances really.

Just got back from a week with my mum in Dorset which despite being a lovely place I spent all my time looking forward to coming home again.
Am off next week to Cornwall to visit Chris and Ray and pop off to Bristol to see Aurora and Tony so that will be busy and to be honest I'll be glad to stop all these holidays now...so far its been Cornwall, Spain, Dorset and Cornwall again all in the space of 3/4 months...enough is enough.

We have bloody fleas again. Every summer this happens and its driving me mad. The cats have been banned from going upstairs and we are constangly hoovering but not sure if this will be enough to get rid of the buggers.

Health is good.
News is all about the washed out summer and people being flooded. Half the country has been under water and sadly its now affecting the animals with the water supply being affected.
Weather is cold and showery just for a change.

Mood is good and optomistic and eager to start new role

Fathers Day

2007-06-17T19:19:00.001Z

Empty like the space my dad left behind.

San Sebastian

2007-06-13T08:13:00.000Z

Just got back from a brilliant weeks holiday with Jayne in San Sebastian. It truly is a wonderful place full of great views of the seas the mountains and the surrounding countryside. We were totally relaxed out there. Only marred by us both getting terribly drunk in a bar being picked up by two taxi drivers, all my fault as I deliberately caught the eye of one I thought looked good only when I saw the photos the next day I could see just how scruffy and rough he was. Jayne must have been drunker than me because somehow she lost her bag or had it stolen and we got separated while she went off to the police station without giving a thought to me. I was wondering along the front looking for her not able to contact her also drunk. A horrible night and one from which we must learn a lesson. Stupid , stupid us.

Apart from that it was lovely. Hotel, brilliant right on the front and we woke to the sound of the waves every morning. Views fantastic and weather brilliant. Food or pintxos exciting and different and the language a challenge. Probably spent too much money but I have not looked yet so am hidng a bit from that horror.

Back home and its all okay although I am bored and very dispirited about work. Christine is leaving and there doesn't seem any point in pretending to carry on so far as I am concerned. I am now going to actively look for alternative employment but just worry about financing a car etc. Shame because I loved this job and now its all gone for me.

Jason has been emailing and texting me and we were supposed to be meeting for a coffee tomorrow but I got muddled and thinking we were meeting in the evening have arranged appointments for the afternoon so not sure now when we will meet. When I don't see him I can forget how attracted I was to him and how exciting it all felt in fact it all feels a bit scary. Why do men make you feel that you will have to perform for them? Or rather that is the pressure that I feel when talking to Jason.

Saw Mr V last night and we had a good albeit brief time before he whizzed off to Wales. He is so much nicer to me now, always kissing me goodbye and checking I am okay if he has to go a bit earlier. I feel he does care for me now and its not just sex but that he likes me. When we first met and he used to go I used to feel like an old prostitute but he doesn't leave me with those feelings now. I do love him in a way.

Right have to motivate myself into doing some work.

Weather hot and muggy with promise of storms and rain.

Health is good although I have bruises on my knees from sitting astride Mr V in the car last night so they are good fun reminder bruises.

Money - too scary to look at the moment

News- Sex offenders to be given chemical cosh

Mood- good although worried about work and totally unmotivated.

Mr Tumnus returns

2007-05-27T07:00:00.000Z

Went to the Railway and I was feeling pretty nervous incase Jason did turn up afterall but after scanning the room and not spying him there I started to relax and assumed that he had changed his mind yet again. He had promised to come along once before and never turned up so there I was feeling okay and waiting for the night to begin when suddenly a man said 'Gill?' and it was him.

He was taller and slimmer than I remembered but still had the same lovely white teeth and sexy, twinkly eyes. Still had the same short haircut, little beard but I also noticed a piercing in his ear and a tattoo on his arm along with a leather band around his wrist. Actually he looked rather nice. He asked if he could come and talk to me or would it upset my friends and I said it would be fine...so after a while he came over with his rather large, sweaty, obviously biker friend and found me out.

We separated ourselves from the group a little and because Jayne wanted to get away from the sweaty friend she said they were finding a space where there was more room so although sweaty friend was left alone it wasn't long before the conversation was just between Jason and myself and when sweaty friend had to rush for his train we were alone completely. Alone and yet in a crowded, very noisy pub. Our body language and intense eye contact meant we were alone.

It was difficult to have a proper conversation with all the noise but we spoke about losing parents, changes in life and new directions. I could feel his attraction and the attention and questions he gave me were very appealling. He is very confident about himself and talks about past successes in life saying he had achieved everything he wanted five years ago but is looking for fulfillment in other ways. This did not have a sexual connotation to it but was interesting and I would have liked to have explored his past life much more.

He asked me what defined me apart from work and family and as this felt too demanding a question and I know this is just the sort of thing that I find very attractive and appealing I then said I needed to get back to my friends and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, I squeezed his arm and moved away.

Later that evening he sent me two texts saying how he could tell I was a passionate, interesting and intellingent woman and he wanted to meet up again sooner. He could still smell my perfume on his clothes etc. He also said I was not defined by family or work but was a wonderfully exciting woman in my own right and he wanted to know more.

All very appealing and all very dangerous. I could easily get involved, too involved with this man and I don't want to be hurt or let down by him and of course I probably would if I let him in and yet ...and yet..his intelligence and physical prescence did turn me on and I spent the whole of yesterday thinking about him. I have to say he has put Mr V in to the shade a bit although on the other hand Mr V is so dependable now, so uncomplicated and I know where I am with him so maybe the challenge is what I need. But could I get involved without getting my heart broken? Can I separate myself from him and enjoy him, not if he asks me questions like that again I couldn't.

Anyway I have not text him and part of me wants to let this dangerous man just drift away. It funny but I re read an old email that we had sent each other and at that early early stage he describes himself as dangerous so I also wonder how much is autosuggested. I have to take charge of this relationship and not let him be incontrol of my emotions.

Spent most of yesterday just pottering and thinking although I listened to a radio version of the Birds which was good and did some research for Spain next week. I have copied loads of web pages and want to print them for Jayne and I to take to Spain.

My throat has been really sore today and I've more or less lost my voice without feeling ill so not sure if its an infection or a result of smokey atmosphere of pub anyway I put off Christine who I seem to have become chief counsellor for and had an early night.

I've been thinking about how to define myself and the things I like are things like listening to radio 4, the countryside, bird watching, my boys, my pet cats, music, reading, politics, being creative in work, making people laugh. None of these are exciting and how can I tell Mr super successful moterbike champion 2002 all that? So boring..... I think I am a gentle and rather fragile soul really but I can't let him know that either, thats too revealing and frightening.

Woke up really early this morning and been pottering on line since about 6.30 so am going back to bed to read and listen to the radio but want to get on with some stuff today. I want to read some philosophy and I want to learn something today.

Food - not too bad yesterday 2 shredded wheat, two crusty rolls, an apple, lightly boiled egg with two pieces of heavily buttered toast.

Health - sore throat and loss of voice but otherwise okay

Money - just about under control but must be more careful

Mood - excited by Jason but still looking for direction although also looking forward to holiday.

News - hunt for Madeline continues, a man stepped in to foil a bank robbery is seriously ill in hospital.

Weather cold, grey and rainy.

Friday catch up

2007-05-25T14:51:00.000Z

Just a quick catch up really.

Jayne's blokey who sent her the note turned out to be nothing but a predatory male looking for and older woman to shag. So following several hot and steamy texts and the ultimate a photo of an erect cock she has told him no. So he seems to have gone thank god.

Meanwhile Bodger had come back on the scene with lots of phone calls etc. He obviously likes Jayne which is good for her and bad for her at the same time.

Markie poos has text her to say that his marriage was almost over and he had to make one last final effort and say goodbye to her...she is very sad but I told her I would bet a years wages on him coming back pretty soon...and low and behold he is already replying to her texts again lol

Now for my men.

Mr V...didn't hear a word from him once he vanished down to Wales but just as he is driving back just now he phones. Poor thing is stuck on the M4 in a horrible traffic jam. Had a nice old chat with him about work and life etc. He tends to do the listening as its very hard to get a proper conversation out of him although I quite like his car driving conversations as they rarely involve sex which makes a change. I tend to witter on and ask him lots of questions to which he fields although today we talked about a diversity course he went on and how he would not answer any questions properly for fear of things being reported back to his own superiors. He sounded very tired as the work down in Wales is very busy and he has been working long long hours and late into the night as well. Its unusual to hear him sounding so tired poor love. I probably won't see him this weekend as he is back at work on Sunday night..so not much time really.

Robo was supposed to be meeting me for a coffee today but at the last minute blew me out for a trip to the pictures...which is irritating. I told Mr V and he said I should tell Robo but thats only cos he likes to stir it up a bit. I know him.

Rob's phone now seems to be working okay but his old great aunt is dying so couldn;t see me yesterday but could have today even though he knows I am out with the girls...supposed to be meeting this weekend but lets not hold our breaths lol

Jason emailed a reply to me and scarily put that he might be down the Railway tonight!!

Peter H still wants to invest in me and set up a company which is scary and we'll have to see where that goes. I suppose it might mean I will have to do some proper work for a change.

Phoned Mum and had a long chat with her. She is down and bitter and just wants my Dad back again. Doesn't like anyone at the club or want to go anywhere or do anything..although by the end of the conversation she was saying about trying the club again.

Right off to cook dinner or something before us old girlies get our glad rags on and go out for the night...not sure where apparently we are going to start at the Railway and move on to Chicagos...just hope that Jason and Rob are not in the same room at the same time!

Food is various I'm not being terribly good nor terribly bad either.

Money --- ooops lapsed a bit by spending too much on clothes for holiday but....?

Health is good.

Weather has been glorious but strong winds and rain are expected and why not it is a bank holiday afterall.

Boys all okay.

Life is pretty good

Catch up again... Notes in weatherspoons and an invite to Wales.

2007-05-21T08:58:00.000Z

Been a few days since I updated this and quite alot has happened really. I went through a bit of a dark period last week, wondering what my purpose was really? My boys are now independent and the job is very iffy and it leaves you all wondering what is the point of things and where do I find that purpose etc. Jason who has come back into my life bore the brunt of it with a very long and ranty email where I was saying I don't know what I am going to do. Strange the power of letting off because immediately I sent the email I felt hugely better. Don't know how poor Jason felt though receiving all that stuff, all that outpouring of middleage emotional angst.

Part of the angst was caused by uncertaintity of job. Had a difficult meeting last week with Kate our Service manager who is herself being 'deleted'. How can Essex treat people so badly? She kept saying how the service is valued and that we will have jobs etc but I said to her without actions it feels like so much platitudes. Christine got all upset and said she felt she had been squeezed out and it all got a bit emotional really. I left for home feeling tired, headachy and depressed.

Depressed because Christine who has been the driving force has been squeezed out and if she goes as she is that will be the end of our serivice as we know it and that depresses me. What will happen with my own job as well? If I find a job nearer to home I will lose my working from home allowance and petrol but if I stay and the job goes how will I manage for money etc. Its a very tense and horrible time at work.

At home things are a bit calmer. Richard and I bumble along. I hear his texts coming and going and hope he is happy and getting some love somewhere. The main bone of contention is our sleeping arrangments and the general state of the repair of the house. Other than that we get along okay really. We just need space so we can sleep or whatever when we each choose.

Last week I played gooseberry to Jayne who met an old flame off Friends reunited. It was strange seeing Jayne with someone who looked like a 'Dad' rather than a bit of a lad. He was a nice bloke and we had a good evening, well Angelo, Brians friend and I did but maybe thats because we were both able to drink and the others couldn't, so we had a bit of a laugh really. Not sure what Jayne and Brian will do if anything. It was hard to detect any real passion or excitement between them to be honest I think that there was more stuff going on between Angelo and me.

A funny thing happened last week when Jayne and I were in Wetherspoons for a coffee. We were a bit later than usual so didn't go to Esquires. We were sitting chatting and I was aware that there was a lone man behind us but didn't take much notice but began to be aware that Jayne was distracted and kept glancing up over my shoulder etc. I heard the man move and as he passed our table they looked at each other and smiled.

Jayne said she had felt embarrassed by him keep looking at her and we had a giggle when suddenly I saw him come back and talk to the waiter pointing our table out. A few minutes later the waiter came over with a note for table 30 from the gentleman at the door!!

I read the note which said his name was Joe and he would have like to approach her but as she was with her friend did not like to. He thought her a very classy lady and he was a fitness instructor. His number was **** and it would be lovely if she contacted him.!!!

Wow it was like something out of a romantic film and we had a good laugh. I evntually persuaded Jayne to text him just for the fun of it....anyway the long and short of it was that following such an exciting and fun start it seems he is a bit of a fantasist as his texts have all been about how he is hung like a donkey and could give her multiple orgasms!! Jayne is not impressed by that by loves the idea of being persued by a handsome and fit young man. He also has a gorgeous voice as we heard on his answer phone the other day. Not sure what will happen as he goes back to barracks soon but even though Jayne is now saying whoa I don't do this kind of thing he is still chasing her...fun eh?

Talking of fun I knew Robo and his friends including Mr V would be watching the FA cup on Saturday so sent Mr V a text asking if he remembered last year when I picked him up after an all day football thing and would he like a taxi with extras. He phoned me and said he was on his way home from Wales and we had a long chat. I talked about training packages for Tescos and we talked about life for about an hour!! Also about sex as well I have to admit. It made a change to talk about normal stuff with him.

Saturday came and went and I d didn't hear anything from either man so by about 8.30 and I was struggling to stay awake I decided to send a text saying all taxis grounded that night and have a good time. I was planning on having a nice relaxing bath and sit in bed and listen to the radio and read. Not the most exciting Saturday night but I was okay with it. Anyway Mr V texts that he wants me to pick him up. No its too late and will look strange if I leave the house. he keeps on and eventually starts to try and bully me by saying its goodbye if I don't. This has no affect on me as I promised myself that no one would ever bully me again after Craig so I say goodnight x. After a while the phone rings and its him. Come on get out of bed, put some clothes on and wait for my instructions...and you know what I do it!!!

As usual it was excellent but even better was the conversation. It turns out that old barage balloon was there and he had been 'mugging her off'!! Apparently he had been cross when he found out via my text that she had said he was chasing her!! Lol LOl lol. That had really signalled the end. When I said that they had a proper relationship he denied it and said it was in her mind. He also said he is not seeing anyone else and hadn't been for ages. He said I gave him everything he needed and how I look afterhim and that it wasn't just sex! He also said he was going to Wales for 12 weeks and would I come with him tomorrow please. We could travel down together and he would buy dinner. I kept saying to him worry about tonight and we could talk about Wales later and why was he so insistent on me coming down. Often he didn't see me for weeks. He replied that when he saw me he wanted to see me more!!

Was this all drunk or drink talking or was this the man with his inhibitions gone? He kept saying what did I need to be able to come to Wales and he would provide or help with? What day can I come and was very insistent.

I like him when he is slightly drunk as he reveals much more about himself at those moments. Other times he is so guarded even now so its nice to know he does care about me really.

As for Rob, well apparently his phone is now fixed again. We bumped into him coming up the town and he is a nice enough bloke but his flies were undone and I could see bitten off finger nails and nicotene stained fingers...the next day he was supposed to be stewarding at Wembly at the first FA cup final in the new stadium and guess what he over slept. No sorry this man is not for me.

So here we are on Monday..what will this week bring? More adventurers with love, worries about work or just a gentle plod along lifes lanes. As I speak the radio is playing upstairs, I have a colour setting on my hair, the baby starlings are being fed on the lawn and crashing into the sitting room windows when they misjudge the flight path over the house. I need to get on and do some proper work and clean the house. My body tingles and throbs from where the delectable and exciting yest still exciting after all these months Mr V has been and generally I feel good. Its amazing what a bit of loving can do for your self esteem.

News -The Cutty Sark has been set on fire and badly damaged. Still no news of missing toddler but horrible bogus websites have been cashing in on the publics demand for information.

Weather mild but a bit grey, possible showers today.

Health is good althogth body throbs and aches from Saturday night workout. Yesterday my breast were so sore I am sure they were swollen. I told Mr V that I actually had a bust and he replied that he was good to me...lol

Money...bit dicey and had to take savings out for egg card but had been on holiday to Cornwall so not too bad..

Family they are all good and will continue to be so please please god. This time last year I didn't know that my Dad only had months of life to live. Makes me weep to think of it.

Another week begins

2007-05-14T07:09:00.000Z

So most of the weekend was spent watching tv and feeling that life is slipping by and I need to get re focussed and find myself a purpose, a meaning.

Did scrub the kitchen floor and do some housework which felt a bit more satisfying and met Lorraine and Jayne at the pub. Lorraine said Amy seems to be having some kind of breakdown which is totally unexpected as out of her two girls Amy is the most solid and dependable. Hope she gets through this horrible time. Of course the worry is that Lorraine has schiztoprhenia in her family so fingers crossed its nothing more than just a bit of teenage angst.

I was talking about siblings comparing themeselves and asked Jayne who completely misheard and understood me and launched into how both her girls are crap in her defensive way. She was edgy tonight for some reason.

They all seemed to enjoy watching the match from their posh leatherlined box today so thats good.

Anyway another week begins.

Food was a disaster

shredded wheat
Bacon sandwich
Crisps, apple, cheese dip.
M and Ms
Beer

Weather horrible heavy rain showers

News: still missing toddler and now police have scaled down hunt, very sad and distressing. Labour leadership contest which really isn't a contest at all.

Mood: a bit down

Health; cold going and feel okay but fat!

Purpose in life?

2007-05-13T11:27:00.000Z

Spent yesterday slobbing around till I met up with Jayne and we went up the town for coffee and post Friday night review. We both agreed the Railway had been pretty boring, or perhaps its us now and maybe we're outgrowing that kind of thing now. I think Lorraine would be pleased if we were. Trouble is if we don't go to the Railway where else is there or what is there for us to do?

I am getting to the stage where I am wondering what I am doing with my life? Sometimes it feels as if I am wasting time till I die!! Whats the point in that? Although its not to say I am depressed just a little pensive and bored I guess. My children are grown up and indepedent, I don't have a good relationship with husband, I don't want to go back to studying again although that might be the answer with all this extra time on my hands now. I also know that flirting and whathaveyou with different men, might stave off boredom in the shortterm but does nothing spiritually or is not even satisfying for the medium let alone long term. So where is my purpose in life now.

Look today its now 12.30 and you could say I've enjoyed a nice chilled weekend of long layins, watching telly, Chris came round last night which was nice for us but probably boring for him and they have all gone off to watch Spurs in some hospitality box today which sounds good for them, but here I am still in my pajama's wondering what to do with myself?

Should I bake another cake that only I eat?
I can't do the garden because its raining too much.
I'm seeing Jayne and Lorraine tonight.
I've already told Mr V I am free and got no response probably cos he is busy with his own life and family.
So what to do? Watch more telly? Waste a little more time till time for bed or death?
I could paint the bathroom but can't be bothered.

I have spent some time getting info on San Sebastian where Jayne and I are going in June, it looks wonderful and we will have to try the pintxos which will be a bit much for Jayne who is even more conservative than me in her taste.

Oh well life is life and its up to me to make the most of it. I just need a new purpose. I suppose this happens to lots of people as their children grow up suddenly all the time you wanted you now have its just that you have sort of forgotten how to use it now.

Mood: Pensive and considered.

Health: Cold nearly gone although nasty cough in the morning like some 50 a day person!

Food yesterday: Shredded wheat,
2 crossiants with loads of butter
Crisps and latte
Snacks and dips
yogurt
2 glasses of white wine

News: Browns campaign against who? Blair going. Toddler still missing fears that she has been abducted by international peodophile group, she was a much wanted IVF baby as well and her mother now looks like she has not eaten since the child was taken.

Gary and the bunny boiler

2007-05-12T08:36:00.000Z

Cold was getting better slowly so had an easy day, did some work but also cleaned the sitting room and re arranged the furniture for the summer ie put small sofa infron of window and radiator. Cleaned rug which despite our trying to choose something that didn't show any marks manages to show and keep every mark ever made on it. Its like a small history of what has happend on it really with stains and crumbs and marks everybloody where!

Watched About a boy which was lovely and made me cry with good feelings. I love a feel good film but have to be in the right mood otherwise I just scoff and laugh at the sillyness of it all.

Rob's phone seems to have gone again and its really pissing me off now. How bloody stupid does he think I am? Either get your phone sorted or don't bother me again. Honestly.

Jayne and Linda came round for pre Railway drinks and then off to the pub we went for a pretty boring night only made interesting my Gary's vulnerable and potentially bunny boiler Anne sobbing about how much she loves him and he saying she is good in bed and that he doens;t trust her and anyway the other girl he is seeing is better!!

Gary hijacked our taxi leaving his poor mate Bob to look after bunnyboiler and I spent the journey home trying to get a drunk Gary to promise to finish honourably with bunnerboiler. Complete waste of time but I guess I was pretty drunk myself. Just as he is about to get out of the taxi Jayne tells him about Yasmins daughters boyfriend who hung himself two days ago. He is a neighbour of Gary's and this spins him with shock and we have to force him out of the taxi because the taxi driver is now getting arsey and Gary wants to have a fight with him so slams taxi door. Its all a bit nasty and I tell Jayne off to telling that bit of news at the wrong time and we row!! oooh bloody alcohol eh?

Woke up early this morning but am aiming to go back to bed to read and stuff, gonna take it easy.

Money is a bit wobbly. I don't want to go overdrawn and the only way to avoid this is to dip into savings which is scary as its the equivalent of going overdrawn ie living beyond my means. Must get a grip.

Food
Shredded wheat
Croissent
Latte coffee
Cheese roll
lemon cake
3 egg ommelette
satuma

health; cold recovering but now have cough

Mood is good sort of settled and comfortable with enough potential excitements in the offing.

News: Gordon Brown to stand for Labour leader and next PM. Little toddlers birthday today but still missing.

Weather heavy rain showers.

Peter's investment!!

2007-05-10T17:50:00.000Z

Went to bed about 8ish last night but felt really feverish and so tossed and turned all night and had weird feverish type dreams. Woke this morning not sure if I should go to Colchester or not and actually text Peter asking him if his jet lag was okay and was it likely that he would go to the meeting because I had a horrible cold. As he didn't reply for a bit I decided to get ready and go anyway I also though I would only be bored at home.

Met Peter outside the school and he had bought me back from Hong Kong a kitchen god which was really really sweet of him. The meeting was productive as we got the EWO to get on and start some legal proceedings and then after Peter and I had a coffee together where he told me all about his trip which sounded wonderful. He said he would like to go again but was not sure with whome.

He then asked about work and what was happening so I gave him a brief overview and because he asked about what I would do I sort of told him of my fears. Anyway the upshot is that he wants to think about financing a project which would carry on the work we are doing. He wants to talk to his daughter who might also invest. It sounds scary to be outside the framework and protection of Essex but if he would pay my current salary and buy a car how could I go wrong? So it seems like it was a good decision to go to work afterall.

Came home and made a few phone calls and then started replying to Rob's texts. I told him that it seems strange his phone sometimes is able to send messages and sometimes doesn't but he says he is not lying and wants to see me again. I am making him wait. If he thinks I can just go back and to be honest I don't know that I want to really.

Read on BBC website that there is a link between cancer and blow jobs so I text Mr V the news and said all future blowjobs were cancelled. His reply read ' No way I'd be devastated' Made me laugh outloud.

Weather: showery
Health: got a cold but its getting better.
Mood: Good feeling fine and who wouldn't be with all these men talking to me and one even offering to support me financially!
Food

Shredded wheat
bacon sandwich
pork chop
one roast potato
vegetables
one yorkshire
one piece of lemon cake
satumas

News Tony Blair resigns- I do like him and I do recognise his achivements especially in education but unfortunately he lost my support when he ignore all us marchers against the war.

Sitting in Pajamas at 5.30

2007-05-09T16:27:00.000Z

My cold came out today and gradually as the day has progressed I've felt worse and worse, despite all the cold cure and hot water, ginger and lemon. Although its only 5.30 I am cleansed of makeup and sitting in pajamas.

Normalish sort of day at work although thinking about it nothing is ever really normal at work its always different which is one of the things I love about it. Did Lizzie's return to work interview, went to a school and arranged to deliver some training to year 3's and prepared stuff for next weeks training.

Christine is talking about trying to change my title and so give me a pay rise...this would be very very welcome and I hope we can do it. I desperately need a pay rise. There is not long now till she goes and once that time has come no one else will fight my corner like she will. I should have got her to start this ages ago but thought while funding was an issue it would be out of the question.

Not heard anything from anyone today and tonight intend to just sit in and watch the telly.

Ate today

bowl of Shredded wheat
Hard crusty roll with cheese
2 satumas
quarter piece of chicken pie, mashed potato and speghetti hoops
Piece of lemon cake
some yogurt covered apricots
Lots of water with lemon and ginger

I thought if I record what I eat it might make me cut down a bit being more aware of the junk that I normally stuff in to me. I want to be thin and svelt for Spain which will be a tall order as there is only about 3 weeks to go.

Money still under control just about.

Health like I said above a cold but mood is good.

Weather is showery today...the months are muddled its more like April now than it was 3 weeks ago.

News is still about missing todler, Tony Blairs impeding resignation and the split of the Home office.

A team away day.

2007-05-08T18:06:00.000Z

Woke up the day after he 'told me off' about being 'careless with chatting' I woke to a picture message of his willy entitled Miss it? Ahhh how sweet! So I guess he is not as cross as I first thought but like I thought he will be back.

Went on an away day today to Aldborough all paid for by Christine. She really is lovely. Greg didn't come but said he was unwell which is deeply suspicious. I was a bit morose as its worrying and unsettling with nothing being settled for work and I have in my mind that I need to start looking elsewhere now. However as the day progressed and we walked along the highstreet and the beach and then had lunch and a wonder around the maltings my mood lightened. Christine was lovely and bought us all lunch and a present of a ring each. She really is a lovely boss and I think part of my depression is that I'll miss her really. I feel quite sad and upset when I think its all going to end. However I have to get on and look forward to another future although the control freak in me wants to know what that future will be. I have to say I am getting worried now particularly now Christine is going, who will drive us all forward? I feel I have a cold coming on so that probably doesn't help my mood either.

Sent Rob a final text yesterday morning saying that I no longer believed problems with the phone was the reason for his silence for if he wanted to get in touch he would have found a way somehow and I am only sorry I trusted him so please don't contact me again! He didn't get the message till 7.40 this morning so I do wonder if he is having problems with his phone but like I said if he wanted to get in touch he would have found a way somehow...so no real regrets. Unsurprisingly I have not heard anything.

News today is about Northern Ireland and lets hope the union is a long and successful one.
Also still missing the toddler in Portugual, I wish people knew one way or another its all too horrible the suffering that parents and child must be going through, to have your child stolen is just dreadful.

Health, cold coming on, all Phil's fault. Lets hope its not a horrible one.

Money still just about keeping a reign on it but will be a challenge this month with money spent in Cornwall.

Food - ate weetabix, large lunch of suet pudding, new potatoes followed by chocolate brownie and cream. Tonight had lemon cake and apple. Must cut down on calories as feel fat.

Mood okay but a bit worried re job - above.

Careless with chatting

2007-05-06T18:17:00.000Z

Just a quick update. Sent Mr V a text cos I was bored suggesting he gets a dog to have the excuse to take it for a walk and he replies straight away 'Have you been careless with your chatting again?' Since then he won't tell me what he means and assumes I know which I don't. It all ended with me saying that as he has tried me and found me guilty there is nothing I can do. I cannot deny or apologise if he doesn't explain so nothing more for me to say.

Its a puzzle though and I keep wondering what it was that has been said. I don't think its anything I have said but it could be Jayne or Linda or Lorraine or even Yasmin could have said something to old barage balloon when she saw her at the pub the other week. I bet that was what it was and he is seeing old BB again.

He probably doesn't want to tell me because he will have to say where he got the information from.

To be honest it really won't matter too much cos its more or less over anyway, just the odd time now and anyway in my heart I know he'll be back.

I'm kind of tempted to say ' so does that mean no sex then?' in a cheeky sort of way but it just might push him over the edge lol

Mid life blues

2007-05-06T10:09:00.000Z

Jayne was supposed to be going to her neices wedding yesterday, the much lauded and speculated upon wedding. Where prodigal cuckoo son John was going to be in the same room as Jayne's deserted and wronged Mum. The wedding where Jackie's ex husband who ditched her for younger woman was going to be in the same room as Jayne who could have been potentially on the war path. The same wedding where Jayne bought two outfits because she put on too much weight in between buying and the wedding date so had to buy a whole new outfit. The same wedding where she was going to announce to her family that Justine was pregnant.

She sent several texts saying that they had started off okay but then suddenly about 3ish I got a text to say their car had almost predictably broken down and they were being towed all the way back to Harlow. She spent 12 hours on the road to nowhere yesterday, probably felt very foolish in front of her family when what she wants more than anything is to prove to them that she is a success. Her life is really going through a difficult phrase at the moment.

I'm feeling a bit bluergh myself at the moment. All my get up and go seems to have gone and left especially since returning from Cornwall. I often get like this around my wedding aniversary so am just hoping that now I have recognised this mood as something that often reoccurs I can work through it and get back to normal.

Everything seems so pointless at the moment, work is going down the pan, home is a mess and I look around at the settling for nothing and think what am I doing? I'm nearly 50 for gods sake and if I don't get on and do something I am going to die feeling I settled for second best is that what I want?
On the other hand I have two wonderful sons, good health and good professional reputation so why am I getting all down in the dumps. I suppose I just want more.

Pre bank holiday thoughts

2007-05-04T09:44:00.000Z

Went to the office yesterday and caught up with everyone. Told them all about Cornwall and did a minuscule amount of work but it got my motivation going again however I'm working from home this morning and motivation is back at rock bottom. I've just spent the last two hours surfing Urban, washing hair, texting Mr V who has replied, bless him and generally just wasting time.

Wasting time is all I feel I am doing at the moment. I find I am even going to bed early just to get to sleep to waste or move on time! Last night I was asleep by 9.30 which is rediculous. I should be doing something with my life not just wittering it away. When I am old and infirm I will regret all this waste I know I will. However I have been feeling tired and lethargic since returning back from Cornwall.

The bank holiday looms and the weather is not supposed to be as good as last week. I suppose I should plan some things to do. I've asked Rob if he wants to meet up and through telephone messages as his phone is still playing up either that or he is being a wanker and messing me around anyway he says he wants to meet this weekend. Tonight would be good for me but so far he has not got back this morning.

I want to do some more gardening but not sure what to do really. I've dug it all over and just have to wait for seeds to come up. I also planted lots of summer bulbs and its hard to tell if they have taken or not so don;t want to weed too much in case I pull up the bulbs. I will just have to potter. It will be too cold to sit out there and read so will have to find activities that keep me busy.

Just having a texting conversation with Mr V that follows traditional lines that might or might not lead to a meeting ...either way he still turns me on big time and will wind away some boredom.

Need a purpose.

weather is sunny but slightly cloudy and windy not as warm as earlier.
News is election with Labour losses and a little girl abducted from Portugual holiday village.
Health is good.

Lots to be thankful for.

Boredome, de motivated and nature

2007-05-03T15:42:00.000Z

I've been so unmotivated since I got back from Cornwall. Some of it is post holiday blues but I suspect that some is down to the uncertanties of not knowing what is happening work wise. In some ways I am looking forward to finding a new job and all the challenges that brings and in others I just know what a brilliant job I have had and how hard that will be to beat or even equal.

Just been pootling around since I got back not really bothered to phone or get in touch with anyone although having said that I can feel the old boredom settling in and then follows the desire to text or phone just to get a response.

Not sure what Rob is doing as he is now hard to communicate with as his phone rarely seems to work and I get fed up with leaving messages that don't get answered etc. I've left messages saying its up to him on numerous occasions and he always gets back to me...oh I don't know

I see a black bird is collecting twigs and stuff to make another nest in the garden in the same place as last year. I was really worried last year the cats would get the babies or upset the nest but they were fine and in fact when the babies fledgted and sat around in low bushes the paren birds did such a good and ferocious job of dive bombing the cats they just left the babies alone.

Saw another baby sitting in the garden and the mother dive bombing a huge magpie although in fairness to magpie I don't think it knew the baby was sitting there. It all a bit tense looking out the garden window at the moment. Nature red in tooth and claw alright.

Holiday in Cornwall

2007-05-02T08:00:00.000Z

Just got back from 5 days in Cornwall which was fab! Flew down there with Chris and Fiona to a lovely little cottage in Mousehole. Chris and Fi were good company and I think and hoped that they enjoyed it as much as I did although I think or know that 5 days of Cornwall was enough for them. They or Chris as least were getting a bit bored with endless moors and windswept bays or little harbours...as for me I could watch the sea all day and not get bored.

We had a walk along the coastal path to Lamorna cove which was a bit scary to be honest. Really steep and close to the cliff edge is not my idea of a gentle walk especially at times when we were hand over hand climbing!! Although there was Fiona gamboling along springing from rock to rock apart from when she had to stop and wait for me!

We did the inland walk on the way back which was almost as scary but for a different reason as we had to go through fields of herds of cows!! I was glad to get back to the village again.

Sennen Cove was beautiful and I have that as my wallpaper now. Beautiful big curving bay with lovely turquoise blue sea which had brave surfers bobbing about on it. Lovely.

St Ives was a typical sea side town although marred by maurading seagulls attacking anyone who dared to buy and try and eat anything on the sea front.

Talking of seagulls the car park attendant in Mousehole had a tame one that he fed and watered. Otherwise it just sat quietly by him occasionnally reminding him to feed it. Apparently it comes every year and even brings its chick!

Seeing Chris, Ray, Adrian and Jason was great. Jason is so assured and confident which is what money brings I guess. Perhaps its true that everything has a price and he knows he can afford those prices now. Lovely big mercedes, designer clothes and paying for the whole thing, food, drink including champagne, and the accomodation for Chris, Ray and Adrian. Interesting though was how he felt about his childhood and his mum and bitterly angry still at how she took him from his friends in London and didin't really want much to do with the boys because it was all about Ray. Which was how I remembered it as well except I only saw that on holidays and he had to put up with it for all his childhood. Still angry at Ray's abuse of him as well. Ray was what you would call abusive now although in those days it was called being a disciplinarian. Makes you wonder how Chris could have let her boys be so unhappy though. I don't think she remebers it like that. I think Jason feels about Chris as I do about my Mum and in fact we both said how we get on with each others mum much better.

I liked Jason he still has a family attitude and I hope we can stay in touch.

Went to telegraph museum on last day which was okay as it was raining and then had lunch with Chris and Ray before heading back to Newquay airport and quick flight home. Lovely time. Chris and Fiona seem very close and in love although she is not so fragile and gentle as she seems at first glance. She is a strong indepdent woman which is good and knows her own mind. I sometimes wonder if Chris is more in love with her than her with him but thats for them to know ...just don't want my boy hurt.

Now back home and really not motivated to do anything much at all particularly work. Especially with all the uncertanties of work. Now we know Christine is going its hard to stay motivated on a job that will probably not be here next year.

Rob? Communication or playing the fool?

2007-04-21T12:00:00.000Z

Completed all the work for the Conference and got some lovely feedback from the family. You can visibly see that Sheila looks better already much more relaxed and I really hope and pray the plan works out for them and Nigel comes up trumps and does his stuff.

Raced back to the office as the work for the training needed to be done and found Sally had been a superstar and completed most of it and Christine had done none and had a very strange attitude. I think she is depressed and anxious about lots of things including work, Lizzie and life generally but there is tons of work to do and she has to shake her self and get motivated. Its all very sad and I hope she does and doesn't get the job she is going for on Tuesday.

Came home feeling really tired, the last week must have hit me and it was funny but Sheila did say to me how could I do this job without getting emotionally involved and tired and the relief of finishing everything suddenly hit me and I felt exhuasted so left around 4. Mind you I had been up working at 7 so they didn't go short yesterday.

Sent Mr V a text and he phoned and we had a little chat which was nice. He actually seemed interested in my life and the chat was quite nice he signed off by wishing me a good weekend. We do have a strange relationship its doesn't fit any traditional mode really.

Got bored so sent Rob a text and this morning he replied and I've just had a brief phone conversation with him. Still has not done anything about his phone and might do it next week. Now what does that tell you? That he is not interested because if he were he would do somthing wouldn't he?

So I'm a bit bored on the men front. Mr V is busy and anyway I don't have anything to prove to him. Robo is just Robo and Rob is being a silly pain and anyway when I do talk to him I remember how he just irritates me with his drinking and not getting anything done in his life so why keep chasing him now? Probably because his now elusivness makes him more appealing I guess and anyway I want someone to come to the jousting with me over the weekend and I thought he might be fun.

Right off to the garden before I see Jayne. She came back from Florence last night straight back to Mark telling her work had overpaid him £900 and they want it all back. I bet that brought reality back home for her.

Weather is lovely warm and sunny but no rain is not good for the garden.

Health is very good although feel a bit stiff and should do some exercise. Nice not to wake up with a hangover today as stayed in last night and watched telly with Phil.

News - still about the gunman and the leadership of Labour party and a shooting in Leeds.
Money situation is good and I still feel incontrol in fact this month I'm £130 up so have transferred £100 into savings. Next month the £150 excess will be clawed back you see.

Its Friday at last

2007-04-20T06:57:00.000Z

Worked hard yesterday on completing all the paperwork for the Conference, made some calls to check that people were okay and composed loads of thankyou letters. The day just flew by.

It was another lovely sunny day and it felt frustrating to be so near to the garden and yet unable to get out there and do some work on it. Also all this dry weather is making life difficult for the little seedlings who really need some April showers to get them on their way rather than relying on me.

Money situation is still okay. I've been checking my balances every day and sometimes twice a day and so far have remained in the black for the whole of this month. Next month might be more of a challenge as have the bank loan going out (although I did account for that this month and put the money in the savings account) and my car excess is going to cost £150 so that will make me short. Plus we have Cornwall which will be expensive but hopefully fun.

Its Friday today and have lots of work to prepare for Monday's training and also to send off plans and letters etc so got up by 6 and started work at 7. Now got to battle for the bathroom before I set off for Tiptree.

Another sunny day although its not meant to be as warm.

News is still about the terrible shootings at the US tech. Gunman sent a video tape of his angry ramblings. Seems mental health problems and a feeling isolation, exclusion etc he feels justified in killing people because they are richer than him? Also aligns himself to Jesus I guess by feeling persecuted but then rails against christianity?! I keep thinking guns don't kill people do.

I feel pretty okay. Still feeling good about conference although slightly stressed at other work outstanding. Not heard anything from anyone which is just finnnnnneeee :-)

A successful Conference

2007-04-19T11:49:00.000Z

Did the *** conference last night. Started at 4.30 and finished around 8.45 pm so by the time I got home it was nearly 10. Felt very tired but satisfied. I had achieved all my aims of getting the father to take responsibility and his family to make concrete offers of help so was well pleased. Have just finished typing the plan and only need to get it signed and delivered to put that baby to bed. However there is still the younger daughter to consider so my work with this lovely family is not yet complete...ahh what a hardship.

Sometimes I really love my job and doing that Conference last night was brilliant! I felt like I had been holding the family in my palms and bringing them all together had been difficult but it was worth it especially when N apologised for his poor parenting and his family offered concrete offers of help. Keith said on his evaluation that they had not talked this much even at the wedding so that was good.

Work is busy busy busy and a bit chaotic with Christine now seeking alternative employment it feels a bit like we three are just being dumped with piles of work and little support.

Another lovely sunny day although the lack of rain is a bit concerning to be honest and I'm going out with wateringcans trying to save seedlings and my bamboo.

No word from any of the men in my life including the once besotted Rob 'oh you are the most wonderful person I have met in my whole life and I really mean that' Huh!! Don't expect to hear from Mr V and Robo sent a little text saying it was cold lol.

Right off to get dressed. Now I've done the bulk of the work for the *** I can sit back a bit today although with training next week I shouldn't really.

Tuesday catch up

2007-04-17T19:04:00.000Z

God I was so so tired all day yesterday I could hardly wait to get into bed and in fact I was having a bath by 7.30 and in bed by 8. I did try but I could hardly keep my eyes open and fell asleep quite quickly. The really annoying thing was that I woke up about midnight worrying about the family I am working with and the forthcoming conference.

Went to visit them today. Poor things its such a hard decision for them. They have lost their daughter and now have to decide to give up their granddaughters and if so to whom? They are such lovely people all of them and I really really hope I can do a good job for them tomorrow and help them find some resolution. I really want this to be right for everyone and I've been pretty stressed and worried about it in as much as I want the best result for everyone.

Not heard from anyone really today apart from good old Robo who phoned because he thought I had phoned him earlier, ahhh bless. I did have a long conversation with him yesterday though and he told me all about the party that they went to. Him and Mr V didn't get to bed till 6 in the morning and was up about 9 to take Mr V's son to football! No wonder Mr V looked pretty spaced out and tired and no on wonder he could only manage twice which is not like him! It pays to know his best friend it really does.

Not heard from Rob but thats fine and it makes me think once and for all its right to let him go. He brings out the nasty worse in me and all I want to do is organise him and make him grow up and its really not my place to do that. If he is happy living like he does then let him. I actually don't need the responsibility of looking after a 33 year old man. As I write that I can see how silly it all is.

Weather today has been sunny but not as hot, more seasonal spring weather, still nice though.

News is the shocking 33 murders in a US tech. Lone gunman rampage and students die. Horrible familiar words. Apparently in the last 10 years there have been about 16 such massacres! The US need to sort out their gun laws. Its ridiculous this right to bare arms what about the right to live life without being shot!

I feel fine. Happy and relatively content. Garden coming along, done housework, healthy, got good family and friends, money sort of under control and had brilliant sex this weekend. Wht more do I want?

Sunday rendevouz with Mr V

2007-04-16T08:36:00.000Z

The weather was gorgeous over the weekend more like August than April. I luckily escaped any hangover from the night of boringness at the Railway and managed to get out into the garden and actually made real inroads to the mess that it had become. I spent all day Saturday and Sunday and have now dug all the borders although some need another dig and rake, planted some new plants and tidied up the patio area. My seedlings are coming up well and I cleaned and moved all the bird feeders giving the whole area a nice fresh feel to the place.

I had to stop yesterday afternoon and get ready to go and see the lovely Mr V. Drove down and met him in a virtually empty hotel and we had a lovely time. He kisses so beautifully and I love it when he takes hold of my face in his hands and kisses me deeply and tenderly, he makes me swoon.

In between we watch tv and chat and stuff and its all pretty relaxed although to be honest he was shattered as he had been to a birthday party the night before and only got in at 4 yesterday morning so was only able to manage it twice but a very nice twice it was. He woke up this morning feel shit and really tired and so was I with little sleep lying next to him feeling excited and tired all at the same time although unable to sleep with his bloody snoring!

Left the hotel at 6 this morning and got to Braintree for 7.20 and just catnapped in the car. Now I am looking forward to just going home and back to bed...its gonna be a long slow day.

News is still Wills and Kate split plus Des Brown and will he won't he resign? Poor Alan Johston held hostage has been reported as being killed which is sad but as yet unconfirmed so we are hoping it will all be okay.

Weather still lovely but due to change.

I am tired, achey and ready for sleep but having lovely sexy flashbacks of previous night.

Another boring Railway night

2007-04-14T11:21:00.000Z

Bimbled around for most of the morning but got some real work done over the phone around lunchtimeish and actually got some letters posted. Its hard to motivate yourself sometimes even when you know there is work to do.

We all went to the Railway last night and it was totally boring. I just was not in the mood really and while the others were getting drunker I found myself staying boringly sober and not chatty at all. I did talk to a nice man at the end of the evening, nothing sexual though just a chat. Got bored with always seeing Yasmin pull young blokes and Lorraine's brother always being there.

Robo had said he might come out but he didn't which was a relief. I have to set him straight on terms of our friendship.

Anyway arrangements for Sunday progress and at the time of writing the plan is that I go up there about 8 or 9 ...should be good fun providing it happens. Trouble with him is that if he makes up with the other woman or something happens he'll call it off...oh well its a risk but to be fair if he says he is going to do something he generally 8/10 does it. I'm looking forward to it in a its gonna be hard work and tiring sort of way. I sometimes wonder if I almost enjoy the planning and thinking about it either before and after as much if not more than the actual doing it.

Heard from Rob today. He is saying his phone is playing up and yesterday he was saying that he would replace it today, now today he has gone to his mums with his sister and now he is saying he will sort it out in the week. Get your life sorted Rob...I really can't be bothered and won't text its not worth it. I think he has got over me to be honest so thats okay we'll just be friends.

Weather is supposed to be really hot today and tomorrow so want to get out in the garden.

News is Kate Middleton and Prince William have split...who bloody cares.

I'm a bit tired and slightly hungover but not too bad.

Two men again.

2007-04-13T07:54:00.000Z

Set off early yesterday as had to get to Saffron Walden early to deliver some training to a housing association. This was different for us and I was aware that our narrow field of working with young people and calling people victims was probably not making the right connections for these housing officers. This was later confirmed with the commissioner of the training and I will have to think carefully about how we deliver the training in the future. We can still use our very real and valid experiences but we have to transfer them to other organisations. Other than that the training went well although Christine does get a bit carried away with all her stories and I was timekeeping to keep us on track. We should have had loads of free time as it was only a small group but as it was we had to cut out stuff because she rambles on so much.

Was slightly distracted by lack of contact from Rob and couldn't get over how only a week ago he was constantly phoning and texting and promising the earth and now nothing. I was also beginning to regret being so snappy and just deleting everything. So last night I went on line and registered my phone, found an old bill and got his number and sent a text! He says that he doens't think I am getting all his texts and that he was surprised when I had sent my sniffy text. He also says that he tried to text me the day before and yesterday! Now do I believe all this or is it baloney. I told him to tell me straight if he doesn't want me to contact him anymore but he says he doens't want that, he does want me to contact him. Still not sure but I have to say rather sadly that it does make him rather more interesting.

On anther note the newly revised Mr V is still texting and this morning in response to my text that said we could do with another whole night where we could relax in between he tells me he is up there on Sunday! Sounds interesting and suddenly there is looming the possibililty of a night with the delicious and energetic Mr V...can my poor old body cope...possibly not and I know I will suffer the next day with exteme tiredness but will this stop me? I think not!

Weather has still been sunny and unusally mild for April a lovely spring.

News has been still about Sailors being able to sell their stories and today a bomb went off in Iraqi parliament oh and its Alan Johnstone day. His dad read out a very poingnant letter addressed directly to Alan. Sounded so British and so stiff upper lip, in direct contrast to the soppy Sailors crying because they had to sleep on a rolled up blanket instead of a pillow!

Lifes rich tapestry

2007-04-12T06:24:00.000Z

Busy day working from home on tidying up and last minute preparations for next weeks conference. I went to the Behaviour Support office to print and post some reports and really noticed how much busier its got. When we first moved in it was relatively empty and now it looks like a really busy and exciting environment. Jackie has also spent a fortune on office furniture which is sick making when you think of all the cut backs there are in other services including my own.

Had lunch with Jayne, Linda and Lorraine. Jayne was late because she took Justine to her midwife session and came back full of how she challenged the midwife who was trying to persuade Justine to breastfeed. All I can hear is how Jayne is doing what she did when Justine was at school or anywhere else which is align herself against the authority and bring Justine with her, making her decisions and basically living her life for her...no boundaries. Jayne even wants Jane to be her local caseworker for Surestart...no ethics and I feel Jayne loses sight of the important stuff. Should I keep my mouth shut or try to point out these things I feel I see? Not sure if she would take it on board anyway to be honest. Might try talking to her away from other people.

Just after I said no more referral to Mr V I got a surprising text from him at lunch time which rapidly turned into a text flirting session. He obviously wanted to come round or meet but Richard was at home and I had loads of work and anyway there was no where to go.

Incidently Mrs V or the barrage balloon was also at the pub with her family which was a coincidence.

I text Rob and got no answer so phoned him. He answered nicely enough and said he had been really ill all over the weekend and how he had done nothing and missed everything. He also said he didn't have any credit but would get some later today and maybe even a contract phone and then he could phone me whenever he wanted. He said he would text later and then chat. Later came and went and no word so about 8ish I sent him a text saying it didn't seem creditable that he still didn't have any credit and that if he didn't want me to contact him he only had to say. Have a good life and take care. I then deleted all contact of him including past calls etc so not tempted to go back again. So thats it. Another little chapter closed and what a curious one...one minute saying I am the most wonderful person in the whole world and the next just gone. Oh well all part of lifes rich tapestry and at least the now reliable Mr V is still around.

Tuesday news

2007-04-11T06:07:00.000Z

Had a good day yesterday. Another lovely sunny spring day and I set off to see the ***'s worrying slightly that it might be all doom and gloom and sadness but it wasn't. The girls met me on their skates and while I was having a chat to C Sheila came in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. They made me lunch and later Tony showed me around his garden and gave me some rubarb. All lovely but not really on and I should maintain professional boundaries but they really are a lovley family...have to remember they are not my family and I am here in a professional capacity although they are talking about me visiting them after this is all over.

Not heard a thing from Rob which is strange. I wonder if he got the message that I was pissed off with him and he always said he was stubborn so is not contacting me. I am tempted to just aks him why he has not contacted me but on the other hand I wonder what the point is? I was never that much into him and we never really got the romance off the ground partly because I kept stalling him. I am curious though and I might just text to find out why. It seems a bit rude him not contacting me, unless he is seriously ill somewhere?

Not heard from Mr V either and don't really expect to although there is a tiny fairy part of me that sort of hopes he will suddenly realise I am the love of his life and he will get in touch with me. The sensible grown up side says yeah in your dreams. I've decided not to refer to him on here anymore unless I hear something. Time to move on.

Robo phoned and we had a long chat while driving. It seems his youngest son had an accident on the trampoline and bashed out his two front teeth. The whole thing sounds alwful with Robo trying to push them back in again and later a dentist doing the same thing. Poor little mite.

Met Jayne for coffee and chat, she is now paying her credit card bill by withdrawing money from another credit card so thats a bit scary and I wonder how she will fund the holiday in June. Get anothe loan I guess. We all live close to the wind and there is no let up but then I guess we have a pretty nice life style although we are all aspiring for more material things that really we cannot afford. Also buying things gives us that tiny sense of satisfaction that life is lacking in other areas I guess.

The news is still about teenage boys being killed by other teenagers in London. Manchester Untited won against Rome last night 7-1 although this was marred by violence.

Work continues to be wound down in someways while actually getting busier in others. Hope I get my car back today I am fed up with this silly Corsa with no aircon and expensive petrol however it does pull away nice and quickly.

Easter Monday

2007-04-10T07:15:00.000Z

Another lovely sunny day and I was a very busy bee yesterday. Woke early and finished report for the *** before getting ready and meeting Jayne at the town for a coffee and analysis about why she is so fed up with Markiepoos. It must be more than just because he fell asleep but we are as yet unsure what it is exactly. I expect we will continue to anaylyse both hers and his behaviour but both of us have decided to give up men...for the moment at any rate.

I spent the early part telling myself not to text Mr V and succeeding which is exceedingly good. No word from Rob either and I am beginning to think that he has the miseries about something but to be honest can't be arsked to find out. Have decided he is way to young and immature for me.

Went home and cooked roast and carrot cake in readyiness for Chris, Fiona and Joyce visit in the afternoon.

Also cleaned house and dug garden so felt very smug and busy in a very satisfactory way.

Dinner went well although another bottle of wine would have made it even better. Joyce as usual annoyed Richard and I by her greed. God knows where she puts all the food but she can really put it away. I did her a huge plate, plus carrot cake plus Richard gave her a cream cake plus she had dorritoes to start and still wanted some easter egg!! Still if eating is her only pleasure who are we to knock and we did knock other members of the family which must make poor Joyce feel disloyal so we shouldn't do it really.

Chris has got a shiney new Saab which looks lovely and had spent £160 on plants for his balcony so lets hope he looks after these more than he did the ones I bought him.

The news is all about the hostages selling their stories for money. I just wonder where all the British stiff upper lip has gone. To be honest they seemed to cave in very quickly and would have sold their souls let alone their country. Not much to be proud of there is there? Not that I am saying I would have been any different but then I never took the Queens shilling did I?

Easter weekend

2007-04-09T07:57:00.000Z

Jayne and I went off to London and on the London Eye. It was a lovely sunny day and we strolled along the southbank and had a few drinks and people watched before joining the queue for the Eye.
The Eye itself is pretty cool and the views are wonderful across the Thames and over to the Houses of parliament etc but I had seen them before and anyway this was supposed to be Rob's birthday present so all the time I was thinking I wonder if it would have been better had I been with him. There were one or two romantic couples on there and I supposed I also wondered if we might have been smooching a bit as well.

Anyway we sauntered back and had a nice salad in a busy Italian and got the train home.

Yesterday I went to Karens for a barbeque which was good, just a shame the boys did'nt come along although Phil did come it was quite late and most people except me were pretty drunk.

Jayne was pissed off with Markie poos as the night was spent with him getting gratification not once but twice and her not at all. I think she just saw him for the selfish git he is. Fancy sending your wife off crying with two small children just cos you want your bit on the side to come round.

Not heard anything from Rob and feel a bit mean because I have not tried to contact him and if he is ill and can't get out to get any credit thats not very nice. On the other hand I am thinking he needs to sort his life out a bit better really and then he would be contactable, also who is to say he is ill, he could be just stringing me along really.

No word from Mr V and I've decided not to contact him but accept its over and let it go. Nice feelings of memories and stuff.

Not sure whats happening to day but have to complete a report for work, cook dinner and must plant some seeds I bought last week.

Men with colds and parking tickets

2007-04-07T09:34:00.000Z

Life is funny..this time yesterday I was all full of the joys of spring and today I feel angry and fed up.

Had a lovely day yesterday with Jayne driving around in the sunshine. Halstead was practically shut so we went on to Colchester and had a nice lunch and a wonder around. Jayne didn't buy any underwear but it was good anyway. The lovely sunshine, church groups singing in the squares, chatting about what the night might bring for Jayne and generally feeling pretty good.

Got home and text Rob who had been quiet all day to find out that he is laid up in bed with some cold/man flu! So not sure if he will be well enough to go out today and we were supposed to be going on the London eye for his birthday. I've asked Jayne to come along instead if he is still ill but she might be busy with her own family and the whole thing just might be called off. Oh well will save me some money in that case but was not how I was expecting this weekend to go especially given the conversation I had with Rob on Friday night and I am beginning to wonder if this really will go anywhere at all.

Sat up with Phil last night after I had dropped Jayne off to her excited rendevouz, getting into her sexy underwear was fun. I was guarding the door to my living room while she put on her all in one with suspenders and stuff. We had a giggle. Anyway drank too much wine and sat up too late and today feel a bit tired and lathargic.

Heard from Jayne this morning that her evening was not an unqualified success although I will get details later.

Lethargy was knocked out of me though when I noticed the traffic warden across the street and realised I had forgotten to put the stupid parking permit in the car window. I wouldnt mind but I bloody well live here and I've only got the stupid car because someone bashed into my car last week. So far the cunt who bashed into me has cost me £180 and its really pissing me off. I was so angry I did all the door slamming and swearing and frightened the cats and pissed Phil off. Just lost my temper and still feel really pissed off about it now.

Like I said its amazing how a mood can change within 24 hours...lets just see if it can change again.

Heating up Rob

2007-04-06T07:42:00.000Z

I text Rob and it seemed he was still driving around the M25 at half six at night. Poor thing was on the road for over 13 hours and was exhausted so we called off last night. I was a bit naughty though because I text him and told him that I had some stockings and naughty underwear in my wardrobe hidden for Jayne and her secret rendevouz. He replied that he had got excited till he saw Jayne's name. To which I replied did he? Anyway it went on and I've said that I would like to sleep with him and actually I feel quite excited by it all now and a little nervous.

He needs to find somewhere for us to go as I am not doing stuff in the car, well at least not the first time. Things need to be different with Rob. My relationship with him is not just about sex its about the whole him. I do like him and I guess I have to focus more on the positives rather than the negatives and anyway I am not talking life long relationships here but just a little fun while life is tough. As long as niether get hurt whats the problem? I am in an unhappy relationship that is drawing to an end and have not had sex with my husband for over 20 years now so its not like I am being unfaithful and Rob is a single bloke. So no problems then.

Today the sun is shining and its a glorious spring day, birds eating on the lawn and a cat sitting purring beside me. Just washed my hair and off to clean house before I go out with Jayne. I feel excited and happy today...anything can happen and life is generally good.

Housing dilemma's

2007-04-05T19:23:00.000Z

Richard said yesterday not to panic I was not going to end up on the streets...which was good because I think I was panicking really. When I had looked at what kind of mortgage I could afford it was not much and I was going to end up in some grotty bedsitter or flat with no garden and not even a balcony or patio. The thought of sitting in some bleak place with no access to the outside filled me with misery and I started to wonder what life was really going to be about?

Now his cunnning plan seeems to be that we extend the mortgage on this place which would free up some money for him. He could then buy another place while still keeping an investment in this house. This would be an ideal solution for me. I would keep my little house along with Phil, the cats and the garden and be free of living with Richard. However I really don't think he has thought this through properly as I don't see how he could afford the kind of mortgage needed to buy another place and keep this.

The other alternative that we were looking at before was to jointly buy a bigger place and it just so happens that a house around the corner has come up for sale. 4 bedrooms at only 199 00 00. I'll have to show Richard tonight.

Met with Jayne today and bought her some nice underwear for her planned rendevouz at the weekend. Ah how I look back on this time last year little realising that he was hooked on me. I wish he had told me that then.

Heard from Robo yesterday who said his wife had been really horrible all weekend but that things seem to have quietened down now. He is busy decorating over the weekend and he responded to a text I sent today with a drunken phone call. He sounded cheerful and I do like him.

As for Rob...I phoned him last night and he missed my call. Heard nothing all day today and assumed he had run out of credit but when I text him asking if we were going out tonight or not he replied by telling me all his travel troubles so no trouble with credit then. Why didn't he contact earlier and is he going off me and if he is am I bovvered? Not really no, just a bit of pride I guess.

Anyway glorious weather and looks good for the weekend.

Off to Halstead tomorrow to find Jayne some more underwear

Weekend catch up.

2007-04-03T08:36:00.000Z

Actually get to do some decent gardening on Sunday and the garden looks heaps better for it. I am so motivated by the results that come Monday I really don't want to go to work but stay at home and do more gardening. However duty calls and I trawl off to work.

Work at the moment is increasingly difficult and I look back on the previous couple of years as a sort of golden time now. We cannot allocate any work to IC's because there just isn't the money. Christine has given up trying to find funding and is now actively seeking alternative employment and the whole air of uncertainty coupled with increasing work loads is now very stressful. How are we supposed to do more training and take on all the cases I simply do not know. I wonder if it would be better to give up the training and concentrate on cases but then would there be enough money for Christine and Greg and will there be anyway? Its all horrible.

Poor Jayne is going through horrible times as well ...Lauren and Justine still not working, Justine pregnant and now on top of everything Mark seems to have given in his notice! Really I don't know how she stays sane. I wish she would just leave them all but then I guess she would not be happy unless she is needed.

I was totally bored this evening, just sat there watching telly,not really being able to read properly in the evening because of eyesight and I wonder if I should just get myself a decent pair of reading glasses rather than trying to squint through the tiny bit on my normal everyday glasses. I end up waiting to go to sleep at rediculous times of 9 .30 and only through boredom. Its like wasting your life away.

I did check out properties that might be within my price range on the web last night and came up with a bungalow in bloody Jaywick or Beruit as it is known locally!! Still there were also some flats and I think I need to think of maybe a ground floor flat and that might suit me.

I had a long chat with Christine today and she thinks that Rob is looking for a mother figure and rediculous as this sounds that had not really occurred to me. I don't see him as needy as he has loads of friends and his own very supportive family and he has always been very protective of me so I don't entirely agree with her comment but it does make me wonder.

No word from Mr V and its just something that has to be got used to althogth I sometimes find myself deaming of him and I do have lots of very nice memories to play back in my mind in boring or otherwise times.

Robo has continued to text and it sounds like things are pretty rough for him at home. I'm a bit worried that he might suddenly think our relationship can just change from being friends to lovers just when it suits him but will deal with that at the right time and not via text.

Rob should have moved last night to his friends and I sent him a text asking how it went but have heard nothing from him so far and I suspect that as usual he has run out of credit...which is so boring.

Now this vain and superficial woman must get on with some work.

The Old Bags Ball

2007-03-31T10:36:00.000Z

Lorraine wanted to go to the Old Bags Ball and as it is her birthday next week and we have not been before it seemed fair to let her choose. Both Jayne and I had our misgivings but I was not too keen on going to the Railway as it might have Mr V and Robs friends all in the same room along with Robo who has been increasingly texting me and even last night suggested he be my taxi home last night!

What is it with some men? They think they can keep you stringing along for over a year and then suddenly when they choose you will just open your legs for them? No way. I think of him as a friend now and thats it. I'll have to let him down gently as it sounds like things are pretty rough at home for him.

Mark was there which had bothered Jayne along with knowing that his ex wife Hazel was there as well. It started off okay with Jayne talking to Hazel and encouraging her to speak to Mark and get him and his son together but as the night went on and Hazel did talk to Mark and did sit with Mark and did still talk and chat with Mark and basically left no room for Jayne anyway ...Jayne got crosser and drunker and ended the evening by sending Justine a text complaining about what Mark and Hazel were doing which caused me to say to Jayne she shouldn't do that and Jayne getting even crosser and we all went home pissed off and 20 quid poorer.

Robo came to Harlow and apparently had some crisis at home that he had to whizz off to so I was relieved the problem of trying to fend him off which was a relief.

The Old Bags Ball is so wierd. Its full of really old wrinkly people wearing teenage clothes. You can see the loose saggy arms and the faces are so lined and yet they are wearing the most inappropriate clothes. I always feel uncomfortable there. I don't object to older people having a good time after all I am one myself but why dress like a teenager? You do not look attractive. Why not buy yourself something that makes you look good and glamorous like what I try to do lol.

Lorraine is annoying because whenever we go to the Railway she always wants to leave dead on 12.30 but at the OBB she books a car for 1.15!! Double standards or what?!

Jayne and I also have a problem in that we have the secret trip to Venice booked in September and Lorraine wants to go away and last night suggested to me that we book for early September as Justine will be having her baby in October! Oh god what to do!

Today is a gloriously sunny day and I really want to get out and plant some seeds and do some digging. Hangover and tiredness might conspire against me and I might end up doing something gentle like a little browsing round the shops with Jayne.

Friday night anticipation lol

2007-03-30T16:33:00.000Z

Saw Rob last night for a drink down the hare. I was sort of dreading it in a way and as I walked to the pub was even telling myself that if I didn't like him there was no pressure and that after the following weekend I never have to see him again...but as I walked in and saw him my first thought was that he actually looked quite nice.

I felt a bit stroppy at first but after a glass of wine relaxed and the time did go by quickly. We can chat and he can make me laugh and he is kind and considerate so after a nice evening we parted and he just gave me a little kiss on the cheek, only just missing my mouth. He nearly had me changing my mind as he is sooo sweet and considerate and patient.

Today I have had a text from a fed up Robo who is now saying he is going out tonight and could be just mine taxi...we all know what the subtext here is and I have sent a text to Mr V asking him to keep an eye on his mate and prevent him from wandering off. I like getting the texts from Robo but I think of him as purely a friend now and anyway he is never going to leave his mrs or do anything serious with me.

Not sure where we are going tonight might be the railway but if Robo and Mr V are there that could be stressful and I will have to watch the alcohol, Jayne and Yasmin and also Rob's friends might be there so I don't want to feel spied upon.

Lorraine wants to go to the old bags ball which kind of fills me with dread, we'll see what the night may bring.

Rob the accident prone.

2007-03-28T19:23:00.000Z

Not too much to report today really. Busy day colouring hair, collecting shopping and doing some work. Drove home talking and arranging holiday with Mum on the phone. Cooked dinner and sat and ate it with Phil while watching tv and now just surfing the net etc. Going to watch The Apprentice soon.....all feels slightly deflated and yet at the same time relieved because I thought I had a date arranged with Rob tonight.

He text today asking how I was and when I replied said that he had dropped a pallet onto a colleague's car bonnet causing it to need replacing. God another mistake. So far since I have known him he has told me about his break up of his parents marriage, how he broke his leg on holiday, got serious burns through suntanning without protection in Australia, had his car bashed into, had a serious industrial accident, lost his cash card while drunk and now in danger of losing his job.

Is this a person who lets life happen to him, or is he incredibly unlucky or what? Either way I do not need to get involved and make him my responsiblity so its for the best if we are just friends and I had a similar discussion online with Fuzzy only today...and yet and yet...I sometimes ponder at the possibilities because I want someone to share my life. I want to go for walks, share weekends with someone and do all the nice intimate things you do with someone who loves and cares for you...but I have made a similar mistake before and am still living with that mistake today. I do not need to escape one mistake only to jump into another mistake.

Am feeling slightly pissed off that he didn't let me know that he wanted to watch the football instead of seeing me afterall...it feels a bit rude. On the other hand I need to let him get on with his life.

While I am typing this I am on line on Yahoo and so is Mr V...however England is playing and I am telling myself that he probably is not even watching this screen or could be talking to his new girl friend I guess. Either way I don't even feel particularly bothered about this either.

In fact I am really quite anti men at the moment and might forgo going out on Friday for a Saturday of no hangovers and the ability to plant my garden seeds on Saturday...sad or what? lol

Fire in the street.

2007-03-27T10:15:00.000Z

Big excitement in our street last night with the woman over the road's tumble drier catching on fire. I came out of the bathroom to see the reflection of flashing blue lights on the walls and when I went to look there was two fire engines, loads of fireman and half the street on the girls lawn watching smoke billow out of her house although later I found out it was her shed not her house. Sad thing I was but I videoed it and sent it to Jayne as I know she likes chasing Fire engines.

Rob found out that his company had lost a contract today and he might be made redundant. Shame as he likes this job but it got me thinking is he someone who has things happen to him or is he the kind of person who as Mr V says makes things happen for him? I think its the former. Just recently he has had his car smashed into, lost his cash card so he can't get to his money and losing it was a stupid easily rectified mistake, moving home to another room with a mate rather than making a decision to get his own place and the new place he won't even have to do his own shopping as they'll include his stuff with theirs! Now losing his job. It all sounds a bit childish to me and not the sort of person I need. I need someone who can look after themselvs as well as me occasionally. I do not need someone who reels from crisis to crisis or wanders aimlessly around.

On the other hand he is not my responsiblity and I am not his so what if he ambles along, maybe he just needs someone to give him a bit of direction or maybe he has not had any reason to want his own place or do his own thing till now?

Still unsure if this is going anywhere and its strange because normally at this early stage of a relationship it would feel all exciting with lots of challenges and possibilities whereas now it feels a bit strange to be talking such long term concerns...if he were married it would just be about fun but instead it feels like life time commitments are about to be made. Weird scary feelings abound.

As for Mr V I sort of feel that it is over now and not in a bad way. I probably will see him one day and we will have sex but it won't be like the previous year with sex 3 times a week or even regularly, it will be like old friends meeting and actually I am fine with this.

Poor Rob

2007-03-26T06:27:00.000Z

Poor Rob. I am not being fair to him. I like getting the texts and the occasional phone calls and I love the idea that someone loves me but I don't commit or even try to see him and have really told him that we are over and yet I send him warm texts and stuff. Late Saturday night while I was asleep he text and told me he doesn't know where he is with me and when I read that I did feel guilty...for a short while.

The truth is that I don't know myself. He seems such a lovely bloke that I really don't want to give him up and yet I am not that attracted to him either and am scared of making another mistake like I did with Richard all those years ago and what would be the point of escaping someone I know and trust for the arms of someone that I don't? The truth is that I have to escape from Richard on my own first and then make my own decisions about men.

Apart from that yesterday was busy with cleaning, cooking and a little tiny bit of gardening. Some idiot has crashed into the side of my car and driven off without reporting it so thats gonna cost me at least £150 in excess and just when I am trying soooo hard to stay within my budget as well. I am pissed off about this.

No word from Mr V although I am not at all surprised or even that bothered to be honest I sort of feel that I've said goodbye really or maybe its knowing that we will meet again someday maybe not even soon but some day and I know we'll have fun yet again.

Welcome back Mr V!

2007-03-24T11:54:00.000Z

Had a very sad and stressful morning sitting with the grandparents of two young girls and going through with them what the options are for the two girls and none of the options include living with the Grandparents. Its all very sad. Drove home and my thought wondered to Mr V and just how some good rampant sex would take my mind off the stress so I text him and say does he fancy some tight ripping fucking and almost immediately he replies 'interesting'

Result! Although for a while it doesn't look like it can happen as he wants me to book a hotel room for a couple of hours and this all seems a bit of a waste of money for a couple of hours plus all the horrible ness of checking in and out so I prevaricate but he's not to be deterred and keeps on and on. I'm still trying to work and Richard is around which is very irratating and eventually I tell Mr V I'm completely stressed so stressed I could cry and he phones and asks me why and puts my mind at rest and says he is now home and we can meet locally.

Then follows an hour of driving around looking for somewhere to go. We stop and kiss and fondle and it all comes rushing back, the fun and excitement and the raw serious wanting that we both have for each other. Eventually we find somewhere and the sex is good although very quick, he says we can meet tomorrow he will find an excuse to take a video back or go to the gym but earlier in the day he was saying with the increase in his hours weekends are now very busy with home life. Anyway I say to him welcome back in a very nice way.
God a year later and that man still turns me on like no one has ever done...I am slightly in love with him or lust or infatuated or something but when I am with him I am overawed by his pure animalistic power.

Today have not heard anything from him lol...here we are again then...but he will be back.

Went to Railway and it was okay, no one fanciable but we chatted to people and two blokes out celebrating a forthcoming marriage bought champange for us all so that was nice and going into the toilet some handsome bloke who Lorraine and Jayne really liked stuck his tongue down my throat...he was so conceited I asked him if he was looking at his own reflection in my glasses. Oh well it was a laugh I suppose.

Today woke up feeling okay not too hungover but happy cos Richard is away this weekend!!! Yipee!! Spoke to Rob and suggested we have a day in London but he has no money because his card has still not been sent to him so we arrange to go on his birthday so thats nice...he wants to go on the London Eye...he is such a sweetie. Everything Mr V isn't the complete opposite, he is sensitive, tender, kind and listens to me he also is not handsome or good looking and how shallow that makes me.

I tell Rob its off and then....

2007-03-22T19:23:00.000Z

Around 6 pm yesterday I suddenly decided that I needed to phone Rob and tell him I could not see him that night or any other night. Unfortunately he didn't answer his phone and then Richard came home and when Rob sent me a text asking if I had phoned I had to text him and tell him I could not see him again.

I felt guilty but also slightly relieved that the pressure was off me. He was just so sweet though and told me he understood and that he would still like to be friends. Have I done the right thing? Last night I did and I was relieved I didn't have to go out or perform or be anyone except me at home. I just don't think I am ready to be someone's girlfriend after all this time let alone be in a warm, loving relationship. I think I can only do the destructive ones.

Today I tried to phone him and got no answer so went into paranoid mode thinking he did not want me to contact him afterall and beginning to wonder yet again if I had done the right thing. However I have just had a nice chat with him and he is fine. He tells me that he is gutted but understands completely and wants to be friends and stay in touch and maybe go to London again as he really enjoyed that...and actually so did I. I was kind of tempted to say that this weekend would be good as Richard is away but I thought I had better not yet...bit too much like me eating my cake and keeping it.

Work is very busy, I had a long chat with KW about families, struck lots of chords with myself and I really hope we can help resolve this situation.

I ended up cleaning the office which Christine quite rightly diagnosed as displacement of anxiety but it was obviously infectious because even she and Lizzie joined in. I am trying to motivate Lizzie into taking more active role in the office and have called her our office manager and said she is in charge and has to tell us when she wants help in tidying etc.

Got to give Phil a lift in a mo...life is complicated isn't it?

Boring Conference

2007-03-21T17:34:00.000Z

Had to go to a Service Day today. It did not start well as the first speakers were Psychologists and did not introduce themselves, set up a badly prepared presentation and went on half an hour over their alloted time. They showed us a whole episode of the Simpsons and then sat around discussing the family dynamics and whether Marg was neglectful in allowing Bart to play on the washing line!! The whole thing felt deeply patronising and I was not the only one in the audience to feel angry and depressed at the same time by them.

It doesn't help that we still do not know if we will continue to be a service or not and poor Christine is totally exhausted by the whole thing and very close to breaking point. She is emotional and tearful and we can all understand why.

The speaker this afternoon was more interesting although the subject was heavy, Serious cases but at least it made the day more worth while.

Got a surprise text last night from Robo asking if I could get out at short notice to which I replied no ...but it got me thinking how easily my little house of cards could come crashing down. On the other hand I really should let Robo know the state of play. We've only chatted as friends and it was Christmas when we kissed and since then nothing, not even the suggestion so he shouldn't be too surprised in fact he should be surprised if he thought I had waited so long.

I'm supposed to be seeing Rob tonight and am not sure if I am looking forward to it or not. Its a week since I last saw him and to be honest I remember feeling bored so I guess if I still feel bored tonight it really will be time to call it a day.

As for Mr V...nothing today.