Dad's birthday *2

Dad's birthday today and its been a lot harder than I thought it would be, harder than even Christmas I think. I kept thinking of all the things he had done and said over the years and how I won't ever get the chance to talk to him again or hold his hand or feel his giant squeezes.

I also thought and regretted all the times I didn't give him the attention or love I should have done, the times spent trying to get off the phone, not really listening to the stories of hospital visits and getting impatient with tales of illness etc. I thought about how impatient or tetchy I could get even though I knew they knew I was tetchy and that they would moderate their behaviour it gave me a sense of power and revenge for all the times I felt powerless as a child and of course I regret doing all that now.

I'd like him back so I could just listen to him, hold his hand and tell him again how much he means to me, how he shaped my life, my beliefs, my sense of right and wrong and my moral map of which I am ashamed to say I sometimes veer away from.

But I have done all that. I did it just before he died. I told him how my happiest memories of childhood were all to do with him and we both cried. I did listen to him especially when we both knew time was short. The time tunnel was our last special time together when I looked out for his frail and tender body and made sure that the hospital staff were gentle with him and we talked about which part of his life would he go back to and my Dad being brilliant played the game and told me he would go back to the 1960's when we were all little. I knew what he meant. He loved us all being little girls and sitting around the table listening to his farm stories and we loved listening to them. When he emerged from the time tunnel he had accidently gone back to his first job of pulling the horse and milk cart along and covering the horses head when it went past the fire station.

I just feel so teary and sad today and almost broke down in work but just managed to hold it together. I thought I was over the worse but today grief has come back and bit me so hard. Its so fucking final and sad and there is nothing you can do. I suppose if I were religious I would believe he is in a better place and is happy and I could pray for him but I don't know that I do believe that.

I don't have the comfort of religion or like my Mum and sisters even the comfort of superstition with their tales of pigeon's and rainbows. I think a bit like my Dad that once your gone you are gone...you should make the most of people while they are here and not have any regrets...I just wish..........